At long last, we have found her! The woman destined to become our first female president, just as the sages foretold. It was predicted that she would be found in diner in far off land of New Hampshire on the primary date of elections in the year of twenty-one-six. Sound the electoral horns and gather the vetters for we have found a being of pure light to ascend to the throne!
We understand that many of you have grown weary awaiting the one true candidate but slumber well tonight for we have found her! A candidate unassuming, innocent, and just as the prophecy stated, primed to take the youth vote. There she sat, feasting alone yet surrounded by a clamoring press, she paid them no mind — the painting of a youthful, tumblr using, introvert’s dream candidate. The future president wants not for media attention or corporate funds, instead she made one simple request for her side of flapjacks! Truly, she is primed to bequeath a side of flapjacks upon this weary nation.
Spread the word far and wide, the first female president will be seen in our time! This is crucial, for we were regretably unable to inform her of the role she is to fulfill. It is believed her name is Sunny Side, and she is destined for 2020. Should you come across her, get her to an oracle and tell all you know, the first female president may arrive tomorrow!