Tag Archives: Football

Super Bowl Offers Final Escape From 24/7 Election Coverage

(Washington DC) Last night’s big game offered the American public a fleeting chance to escape from the media’s fascination with the 2016 election. For an impressive 6 hours the nation’s collective attention was spent watch watching men physically brutalize one another, as opposed to the verbal assault seen daily in political news coverage.

Since September the public has endured a total of 13 debates with few chances for universal distraction, a new Star Wars movie, the occasional ball game, and Christmas day. Still this election season has been particularly difficult to ignore with heavy hitters like Donald Trump saying whatever it takes to make news on a daily basis. His statements, outrageous to some, and “refreshing” to an unfortunate margin has dominated casual conversation from the work place to the dinner table. It’s hard to escape the reach of this election cycle and the terror has only begun as political ads start to spread beyond the swing states.

On Sunday night, much of the country gleefully consumed miniature hot dogs and alcohol, knowing that this would likely be their last chance ignore the political atmosphere outside. While most saw the night as a moment for celebration, many living New Hampshire could note a dark turn in festivities once the first political ad aired during the game. Within twenty-four hours their state would be plagued with yard signs and endless pollster phone calls. For them the Big Game would offer a bleak reminder of the peaceful lives they once lived.

With the winner of Super Bowl decided, our nation stands on the brink of a dry-spell, with little to pull focus from politics. Optimists have pointed to the Summer Olympics as a forthcoming opportunity to take a break from the heated presidential election. However dwindling ratings from previous olympics paired with an increased fear of foreigners from the political right have analysts fearing that this year’s Olympics will do little to bring the nation together. We can only hope that Beyoncé will release a new album to provide us with a week’s worth of distraction sometime soon.

Kevin Cole

Harbaugh Brothers vow to join forces and rule all of Football

[New Orleans, Feb 5, 2013] Following a contentious Super Bowl pitting brothers John Harbaugh (Baltimore Ravens) and Jim Harbaugh (San Francisco 49ers) against one another, the two have decided to put their sibling rivalry behind them. During a post-game interview, John Harbaugh said the following of his little brother’s performance, “In the first half all I could think about was how easily I was creaming the little twerp, but then Jim really used that blackout to pump up his team and bring them to what was almost the greatest comeback in Super Bowl history. Of course, in the end the better brother won. Still, you gotta admire the little guy.”

The two then met up after the Super Bowl after party at their own Harbaugh family after after party. John and Jim spent a full two hours complimenting one another. When their sister, Joani Harbaugh, told them to get a room, they did.

The next morning, John and Jim emerged with ruffled hair and held a press conference to announce that they would be working together during the next season.

“We’ve realized that as strong as we may coaching against one another, we could really blowout the place…” Jim Harbaugh announced. “If we worked together!” Declared John, finishing his brothers sentence.

However, the two do not intend to make headlines by coaching as brothers. “It would be a cheap gimmick” said Jim Harbaugh, speculating as to how the sports media tabloids would handle each and every game-equating every glance from brother to brother with childhood subtext. Following these predictions, John Harbaugh chuckled in a way he probably would have once he discovered Jim had gone to prom with his Eighth Grade crush.

The Harbaugh Brothers went on to make it clear that any sort of Coach/Assistant Coach set up would be detrimental to their work, placing one with a higher rank than the other. “There’s really only one way this could work…” John stood and led his brother off stage, only to reappear 6 feet taller, sporting a trench coat and a mustache.

“I, Jom Harbaugh, will assume coaching duties for the Baltimore Ravens, Champions of Super Bowl XLVII, following the tragic off-stage deaths of my brothers. I loved them dearly and they will be forever missed and cherished in the hearts of football fans everywhere.”

As of press time, neither Harbaugh brother could be reached for an individual comment. According to Jom Harbaugh, a Memorial Service will be held in the Mercedes-Benz Superdome this Sunday at 3pm and all are welcome to attend.