Tag Archives: Frederick Man

Frederick Man Constantly Singing in Cubicle Next to You is Surprisingly Getting Better

(FREDERICK) “I used to dread coming to work on sunny days,” regales Jenny Derricks, one of the many office workers at Leidos Biomedical Research in Frederick, Maryland. “[Logan] was always more enthusiastic when it was sunny.”

For months, Jenny has endured the sound disruption of her cubicle neighbor, Logan Sleaves, a 24 year old coworker filled with a vigor for life.

“It was never-ending! A constant stream of humming, desk-tapping, whistling, and even full out karaoke! It was terrible! He was off-pitch, off-key, off-beat; he was taking everything about music and twisting it to the point that I hated any sound at all.”

Jenny was forced to listen to all of Logan’s audio garbage, and would be denied any attempt to move desks as she and Logan should “work it out themselves.”

“I told him it was distracting and a little annoying,” says Jenny, picking at a hangnail. “He got the hint for maybe 20 minutes and then I started to hear the Beverly Hills Cop theme mumbling from his mouth! I reminded him again and he was all like ‘I didn’t even realize I was doing it!’ and ‘I can’t help it! I guess I’m just in a singing mood!’”

Mike Shrouder, a Doctor of Music at Boston University, informed us that there is no such thing as “a singing mood,” and when a person sings it is a conscious decision. The person knows exactly what they are doing.

Logan’s insistent chirping went on unabated, until Thursday, June 16th, when Jenny was surprised to find her ear drums no longer hurt like they used to.

“All of sudden, it was like there was no noise – of course, that would be impossible, because Logan never shuts the fuck up – but then I realized it wasn’t an absence of noise, it was an absence of me hating the noise. I wasn’t exactly sure what was happening; was I just becoming accustomed to the audial onslaught from Logan’s lips? Was I developing feelings for this guy, making me hear his awful singing in a new way? It was so beyond belief that he might actually be getting BETTER that I came up with a thousand other reasons for what it might be.”

Of course, Logan HAD gotten better but not by chance. Logan’s friends and family had also been on his case about leaving some room for silence. When that didn’t take hold, they encouraged him to at least try to improve. He did – taking classes, listening to varying musicians, and keeping one of those tuning thingies in his shower.

Logan still can’t stop himself from letting out the song in his heart, but Jenny has found a silver lining.

“I’ve given him CDs of my favorite artists and recommended new songs that I like. Then he comes to work, and he becomes my own personal radio! Although, just like the radio, he will continue to repeat songs until I hate them, but at least my ears have stopped bleeding!”

At press time, Jenny is enjoying her job, but Logan has moved on, and is now the guy that puts all the ear-shattering auto-play music on websites.

T.M. Scholtes

Support our writers on Patreon

Frederick Man Unsatisfied with Christmas Gifts after Clearly Stating he Wanted Nothing

When local resident Brad Lipan leapt out of bed and bounded down the steps of his childhood home Christmas morning, he was ill prepared for the horrific site that awaited him.

“I was shocked,” said Brad, shivering under a mound of Santa Claus-print throw rugs. “I literally could not believe what was right in front of my eyes.”

Three weeks earlier, Brad’s parents – Tim and Jamie Lipan – had asked Brad what he wanted for Christmas.

“It’s tradition,” explained Jamie, tears streaking down her face. “We’ve always asked what Brad wanted for Christmas, regardless of whether or not he had been good that year.”

Brad had clearly stated that he didn’t want anything for Christmas this year, seeing as how he was already in possession of everything he could possibly need, and more.

“I already have too many video games to play, too many books to read, and I’m still catching up on all the television shows I’ve missed!” Brad shouted while his parents looked on from the other room. “It’s honestly overwhelming the amount of cool shit I have to decide between whenever I have some free time from the awesome job that I love.”

Brad had said something similar two years prior. But that Christmas, he had come downstairs to find…a brand new iPad Mini.

“I was astonished,” Brad said, with a whimsical look in his eye. “Here was a gift I never even knew existed, but it was something I desperately needed. They definitely hit a home-run in 2013.”

But 2015 turned out to be a different story.

“We should have gotten him nothing like he asked for, the ungrateful bastard!” Tim Lipan remarked solemnly. “We went out of our way to pick out the best Black Friday deals, getting up at 3am in the morning just to try and please him. We even asked his girlfriend of five years if he had mentioned anything, and what size clothes he wears, anything to try and get him that perfect Christmas gift, the one he would remember for the rest of his life. And yet we still fail as parents.”

Tina Younkins, Brad’s longtime girlfriend, had this to say in a private statement:

“Brad is just hard-headed, you know? He gets these ridiculous expectations in his mind, and no one else knows what he is thinking, so we can never please him. I told myself years ago to just take everything he says literally; when he said no gifts this year, he ended up with no gifts. You should have seen the way he held back the resentment in his eyes, but hey, that’s what he asked for.”

“It’s just…I’m not even a big STAR WARS fan!” Brad continued, without being asked. “Why would they get me this remote control BB-8 droid; what 35 year old man can really enjoy that? And what about these; socks? I mean, that’s a joke, right? I mean, yes, I needed new socks, but not for Christmas!”

Brad proceeded to whine hysterically into his new tailored suit (“How many occasions am I even going to need this??”), his parents looked on in silence.

“When I said I wanted nothing for Christmas, I meant it as ‘There’s nothing I can THINK OF, so, find something unique and awesome that I have never heard of, and buy that.’ What’s so hard about that?”

Tim and Jamie look forward to purchasing gifts for next year, but just hope that Apple has something big to be revealed, otherwise it might be “another year of depression for little Brad.”

T.M. Scholtes

Frederick Man’s Solo SantaCon Only a Minor Embarrassment

This past weekend, Frederick resident Chris Hollenbreck embarked on his annual one-man SantaCon. The tradition has its roots in New York City, where one day of the holiday season is devoted to dressing up as Santa and consuming dangerous amounts of alcohol.  Hollenbreck, a New York University dropout and current Downtown Frederick resident, brought the festive event to his hometown two winters ago.

“People drink in Frederick, but unless it’s Drinksgiving there’s no real holiday spirit. No holiday spirits, if you catch my drift,” said Hollenbreck. “So I thought, why not toss on a Santa hat, toss back a few brews and make a night of it?”

And make a night of it he did! Hollenbreck started his adventure at Brewer’s Alley, running into a few high school friends. “Becky was there. Oh man, Becky. I’d like to stuff some coal in her stocking,” he said, thinking fondly of his fellow Urbana High School ’08 graduate.

According to Hollenbreck, he never intended for the outing to be a solo SantaCon.

“I’ve tried to get more folks to come along: Becky, Victoria, Hillary, they all had other plans. I even asked Jeff,” he said. Reportedly, Hollenbreck and Jeff hadn’t spoke since a tenth grade argument regarding Star Wars Episode III. “They’re still churning them out, so I guess we know who won that argument.”

Unable to find anyone willing to play Santa’s Little Helper, Hollenbreck made his way down the street to Wags for a few more drinks, and then stumbled over to Guido’s. That’s where a night of attempting to get bars full of people to sing Christmas carols took a turn for the worst.

“I threw up twice, which is pretty good for me, especially on SantCon,” said Hollenbreck. He recalls vomiting in front of the Guido’s restroom, followed by a prompt berating by the barkeep. “No Christmas spirit! That guy was a real Grinch. He forced this dude I was talking with to clean up the mess. He didn’t even work there!”

After being escorted from the premises, Hollenbeck vomited a second time in front of “a few nice firemen,” who called him an Uber and got him home safely. There, Hollenbeck stared long and hard into a lump of coal and wept over what he had become.

Kevin Cole