Tag Archives: ghosts

5 Ghosts That Haunt the Cast of the New Ghostbusters

Surrounding the praise for the new Ghostbusters is the excellent cast, but what many don’t realize is how their strength is derived from their own experiences with the paranormal. Much like Dan Aykroyd’s ghost-hunting grandpa, this cast has ecto-plasm in their veins.

Lady Slimer

Lady-Slimer

This goo-covered ghost is no different than the Slimer that came before her, but has caused an uproar across the web due to her feminine features. However, Lady Slimer is a real life ghost that has haunted Kristen Wiig since childhood. The specter is said to be responsible for teaching Wiig about the horrors of womanhood and made a bargain that Wiig would attain fame and fortune if she gave Lady Slimer her first born child. Now, indebted to the ghost, Wiig contracted Lady Slimer to play a small roll in the new film.

Betty FriedanThe Disembodied Ghost Head of Betty Friedan

Credited with starting Second-wave feminism, the visage of Betty Friedan spent the films production haunting Melissa McCarthy, often times possessing her body and using it as tool for dismantling the patriarchy. Remember when McCarthy rolled down Sunset Blvd sticking her head out a limousine and giving everyone the finger while shouting “ALL WOMEN ARE BEAUTIFUL! STANDARDS INVENTED BY THE PATRIARCHY HURT EVERYONE” ? That was all Betty Friedan.

Idris ElbaThe Hunky Cunnilingus Ghost of Idris Elba

Idris was a big fan of the original Ghostbusters, and had hoped to get a cameo as the gender-swapped blowjob ghost from the original film. Unfortunately, when this role was never written, he swore that his dream would not go unfulfilled. Leslie Jones calls the haunting a gift and a curse, as she knows when Idris Elba will die (approximately 50 years) but thanks to a interdimensional vortex, she gets to see him every night.

Zool CatMr. Sprinkles

Kate McKinnon is a noted cat-person who was unfortunately cursed with a deadly allergy. In an attempt to find a creature she could love, she participated in a dark ritual: candles, pentagrams, the whole nine-yards. The result was Mr. Sprinkles, an powerful hell-kitten who has gored many house guests and 3 of Lorne Michaels’ assistants.

Gaybraham LincolnGaybraham Lincoln

Never one to turn down a show, Gaybraham Lincoln materialized on the set of the new Ghostbusters one day and found himself quite smitten with the new receptionist portrayed by Chris Hemsworth. The two have been spotted getting lunch at various New York eateries, giggling and holding hands. Move over Hiddleswift, because this president has found his own Norse God!

Kevin Cole

What Scares Us

As Halloween approaches, I’ve gone back and watched several classic horror films—notably, the Halloween series. While interesting to see how horror films have changed in the past decades, I was not truly scared by anything occurring on-screen. I didn’t go to bed worrying there would be a murderer in my closet; I didn’t double-check the locks to make sure no homicidal maniacs could get in undisturbed. Hell, I even left one leg out from under the covers, even though that guarantees a monster will ooze out from under the bed to devour it!

Americans aren’t as scared of the world as they used to be. We’ve all been desensitized. Off-key piano chords or a ghost jumping out from a wardrobe don’t have the same effect on us as those same tactics did forty years ago. People these days are more worried about healthcare, police brutality and Trump actually getting enough votes to become President!

So I thought: if I were a filmmaker, what could I use that would be truly scary? Something that everyone who went to the theater would be screaming about and cause them to have mental issues after viewing? Based on a study done in 2014, here is a list of things Americans fear:

  • Public Speaking
  • Heights
  • Bugs, snakes,and other animals
  • Drowning
  • Blood, needles
  • Tight, confined spaces
  • Flying
  • Strangers
  • Zombies
  • Darkness
  • Clowns
  • Ghosts

Very few of these have justly been expressed in horror movies to date, so I now pitch the scariest film of all time:

The film opens at the airport. An attractive, single woman is boarding by herself, having just recently broken up with her boyfriend who was cheating on her with her best girlfriends (so now she is lonely and heartbroken, too).

She boards the plane (FLYING), and is seated in the middle seat (TIGHT, CONFINED SPACES) between two attractive men with foreign accents (STRANGERS). As the plane takes off (HEIGHTS), the men tell her more about themselves; one is a CLOWN in a travelling circus, while the other works for the Red Cross and is very pushy in his attempts to get her to become a blood donor (BLOOD, NEEDLES)! As they both begin to ask for more and more donations (CHARITIES), our protagonist excuses herself to go to the restroom.

In the very small (TIGHT, CONFINED SPACES) airplane bathroom, we see a flashback to a young girl, playing by the pool while her mother (MOTHERS) looks on. Suddenly, a traveling door-to-door vacuum salesman (STRANGERS) comes to the door, and the mother goes to talk to him. The girl is on her own, and she can’t seem to remember how to swim! She sinks to the bottom of the deep end…(DROWNING)

She awakens and realizes she must have dozed off in the airplane bathroom (ROOFIES). She quickly composes herself and walks out. She opens the door to discover all the lights are off (DARKNESS). She thinks that it must be dark outside the plane, and the lights have been turned off so others can sleep (INSOMNIA). She begins to see shapes moving about (GHOSTS), and thinks it is just her eyes adjusting to the DARK, as well as other passengers moving about. She struggles to get to her seat.

She gets to her middle seat, only to discover the two men are now ZOMBIES! She fights them off, and now realizes the entire plane is full of ZOMBIES! She gets to the divider between first class and coach, where the flight attendants are huddled scared. They tell her that the only way to stop the ZOMBIES is to use the on board microphone and recite the ancient incantation they accidentally used to summon them; but the trick is, she has to do it with all the ZOMBIES watching her! (PUBLIC SPEAKING!) She gathers her courage, digs deep, and reaches for the microphone. Oh, but did we forget to mention the microphone cord is now a COBRA and the mouthpiece is COVERED IN BUGS and the plane is now just ONE GIANT ALBINO RAT?!  Our heroine no longer cares! She screams, grabs for the microphone and recites the incantation!

She awakens back in her middle seat between the two foreign men, cheerful and talkative as ever, with the sun shining bright outside. All the people from her dream are there, and nothing bad has happened. She reaches into her purse, pulls out her phone, and realizes SHE JUST HAD THAT CRAZY DREAM BECAUSE THERE IS NO FREE WIFI ON THE PLANE!!!!!!!

Credits.

See? Kids these days aren’t scared anymore. Only by threat of taking away their internet and electronic gadgets can we get a rise out of them. There are plenty more sequels where this movie comes from. I’m thinking a cinematic universe combining Apple, Samsung, Google—hell, we might as well get a Microsoft straight-to-HD DVD version in there somewhere. Enjoy it while it lasts, America, because one day you might wake up, and your cell phone signal will only be two-and-a-half bars…

T.M. Scholtes

Ep. 13 – Ghost BOOloons

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Episode 13 of The Last Hurrah is now online! You can click the picture above to listen!

This weekend kicked off octoberfest on The Last Hurrah, with everyone feeling a little spooky. Kevin was joined by Laura Stark, Zoe Richter, Lia Seltzer and Rich Cole to share some real life ghost stories. Zoe ressurected the “Talk Dirty to Me” segment. Special stand up performances from Nicky Costanzo (Matt Kline) and Isabel Duarte. Plus a very special interview with a ghost!

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Please support the show by subscribing and reviewing the show on itunes and join us Sundays at 7pm at the Maryland Ensemble Theatre.