Tag Archives: GOP

RIP John Kasich 2016

A truly sad time has befallen the Republican Party as the candidate a nation was sure would stick through to the bitter end has finally passed. John Kasich 2016 was a strong and unshakable candidate, unwilling to let a dead-last position shake him of the confidence needed to become president. From the get-go the odds were against John, and as it became mathematically impossible to claim victory he trudged on, believing in his purest of hearts that he would become the nominee.

Unfortunately, John Kasich 2016 was little more than a distant blip on our radar. One that would go off whenever my grandmother sent out a facebook message asking family members to follow his campaign at the debates and across the country. This blip was thankfully removed when said grandmother was informed which family members were registered Democrats.

If Trump 2016 was the loud one, Cruz 2016 was the cute one and Carson 2016 was the quiet one, Kasich was most certainly the forgotten one. As Illustrations of each candidate would top relevant stories on this site, one candidate was illustrated but the final image was entirely forgotten in the upload process (until today). A sad metaphor for a sad campaign.

Today we remember John Kasich 2016, he may not have meant much to us, but to some he meant not being a Trump supporter.

Kevin Cole

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Sign our Petition: Ban Ted Cruz from All Public Restrooms

Over the weekend, we started a petition to ban presidential candidate Ted Cruz from all public restrooms. We at The Annual feel this is best for the safety of our children and all innocent bathroom goers. If you sign one web-based petition, we hope you will head over to change.org and help protect our public bathrooms from this notable creep.

Recently, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz came out against the rights of trans people to use any public restrooms. While the self appointed captain of the Bathroom Police claims to be concerned about the safety of children and innocent bathroom goers, this is where the Christian idealist fails to truly know thyself.

While feigning concern about the safety of children, Ted Cruz has been actively supported by the Duggar family. This family notably spent years covering up Josh Duggar’s incestuous, child abuse scandal. If Ted Cruz trusts the Duggars, can we trust Ted Cruz to use the same bathrooms as our children?

To make matters worse, during his time in Princeton, Cruz would often don a bathrobe and loiter around the women’s dormitory. President or not, what’s to stop this man from doing the same near our public restrooms? Not only is it dangerous for this man to be using the same bathrooms as the general public, but he could cause just as much trouble from outside these facilities.

This petition will call on President Obama to sign an executive order banning Ted Cruz from entering or standing within 50 feet of any public restroom in the United States of America. Let’s keep Lucifer out of our latrines!

Click here to ban Ted Cruz from all public restrooms.

Kevin Cole

RIP Marco Rubio 2016

“We should have seen this coming.” The final words of Marco Rubio 2016 echoed down the halls of the electoral hospital where Rubio lay in his final hours next to John Kasich 2016. Many wondered what he meant by we, certainly any electoral official or persons making a passing glance at the news could have seen that Little Marco’s best days were behind him.

In his final weeks among the American public, it was clear that dementia had begun to set in. Taken to imitating those around him, Rubio 2016 thrashed about on-stage taking cheap shots at Donald Trump 2016. With reckless abandon he spurted off jokes that one can only hope he had written himself – or at the very least bought off an aging comic from the Catskills. Whatever it was, it had become apparent that if Marco were to survive the season, then Barack Obama 2008 would be the last president to have a half-way decent grasp on comedy.

Here at The Annual we didn’t have much to say about Marco Rubio 2016. We saw this coming. However, when making illustrations of each candidate, Editor-in-Chief Kevin Cole remarked that he’d likely vote for the candidate that was easiest to draw and that “Rubio was one simple looking motherfucker.”

Marco Rubio 2016 had the name of a campaign that ought to lighten up on immigration and a long history of representing his constituents as well as Trump (a campaign with no constituents). The fact that he is even allowed to hold public office with such a piss-poor voting record is evidence of how special America truly is. In his passing we wish him a peaceful rest so that he may fail to attend as many senate hearings as he did prior to taking on the 2016 title.

Ben Carson Comes Out of Hibernation in Time for Super Tuesday

This week saw an unprecedented, energetic Ben Carson kick in the doors to his campaign headquarters, ready to take charge of his presidential campaign just in time for the Super Tuesday primaries. Those close to the candidate have reported that his sleepy demeanor was actually the result of a long-held sleep pattern developed shortly before Dr. Carson separated a pair of conjoined twins.

Carson chronicled the process in his memoir Gifted Hands:

The surgery was to last four hours. Any well-rested surgeon will begin to get the finger shakes after two hours of intensive surgery so I knew I had to develop a way to stay rested as the surgery progressed. I began to practice the motions until I could literally do it in my sleep. As time went on I perfected the method, allowing myself to sleep for day, even weeks at a time, without notice. I would communicate with patients, perform complex surgeries, and be present for important family events while asleep. My daughter’s wedding is an actual dream to me.”

Behind the scenes, Dr. Carson has survived the election with the help of his well-maintained sleep team. For most events, Carson is placed on a pair of roller skates and given a good shove towards a podium. From there he’s on autopilot, able to deliver a speech without the audience noticing a mental disconnect from the world around him.

“It’s an incredible breakthrough for politics!” said Carson’s business manager, Armstrong Williams. “Just imagine the possibilities! We can save tax payer dollars by allowing congressmen to spout off their deeply held beliefs while asleep. They could work for 24 straight hours without a break for food or accommodation. As long as they have the right folks pushing them into place they can avoid an entryway snafu like at the New Hampshire debate. I’ll admit that was rough, but Ben’s teaching me how to use the technique in my own life and I’m already looking forward to waking up to the Carson presidency.”

Though effective for Carson, this new method of sleep campaigning has its detractors. Among them is Carson’s former campaign manager Barry Bennett: “Sure he was in the room, actively participating in conversation, but he was never actually there. You have to be engaged to run a successful campaign and I couldn’t work with a candidate who’s coasting by making statements like ‘the Jews could have prevented the Holocaust if they had guns.’ That dream logic doesn’t work in the real world.”

Now wide-awake, Carson has been seen doing cartwheels on the campaign trail. He’s connecting with voters like never before, joking and laughing. He once became so excited at the prospects of his presidential campaign that he was heard yelling from two blocks away. Carson now presents an energy that surpasses that of Donald Trump and has reportedly fractured 87 wrists giving out campaign trail handshakes.

This uptick in energy from the candidate has many supporters at ease, now knowing Carson is actually excited to run for president. With poll numbers through the roof, it looks like he may turn around the race and take home the nomination. This is believed to be good news for the GOP, who is currently at odds with their idealist frontrunner. Studies show Carson will likely grow tired and reenter his sleep cycle in October, just ahead of the general election.

Kevin Cole