Tag Archives: gossip

Mourning The Mighty Hiddleswift

For three months the mighty Hiddleswift reigned supreme, and with it, it brought a white hot passion that would leave lasting effects on the environment. While many of us mortals believed the sun was violently inflicting 100 degree days upon us, the cause of the 2016 heatwave stemmed from the love given off by the Hiddleswift. Many remember the fateful day when the creature was first spotted on a secluded beach in Maine, only to disappear for the months to follow.

According to the ancient scrolls passed from Justin to Kelly, it is likely that the Hiddleswift built a lovenest for itself deep in the Pocono Mountains. There, it basked in its own existence, radiating an incredible warmth that is said to have accelerated the melting of the Poles. All summer, meteorologists unfamiliar with the legend of the Hiddleswift complained of a great heat, but it was merely the cold in their own hearts in comparison to the unstoppable love felt by the Hiddleswift.

All of this changed yesterday, when, without explanation or warning, the mighty Hiddleswift fell. Some believe it was done in by its own hubris, a love that burned so bright that after a short period it simply went cold. Cynics will be quick to tell you the Hiddleswift went into hiding because it was never really the pure creature we made it out to be–perhaps nothing more than a ploy for a secret music video. One thing is for certain: Right now, soothsayers are predicting a vortex of cold that will cover the land, more so than ever before. For as the Hiddleswift ended its love, it took the world’s warmth with it. It is believed that in the coming months the temperature surrounding that infamous Maine beach will steadily drop. Soon the hillsides will be covered in snow and ice, and we will have no choice but look up to the sky and curse the fallen Hiddleswift for abandoning us.

Kevin Cole

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5 Celebrities Who Don’t Celebrate Halloween

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5. Ryan Murphy

The American Horror Story creator is well-known for his love of the macabre. In fact, many believe that Murphy uses Horror Story as a venue to confess to a series of BDSM-inspired murders he has committed since 2005. What many don’t know is he uses Halloween as a day of rest. Between producing Glee, American Horror Story and an estimated 28 murders a year, Ryan Murphy keeps busy, but in a recent interview, muse Jessica Lange said, “[Ryan] is simply wonderful, and incredibly Zen. Every year I invite him to my Halloween Ball, but he consistently declines in order to spend the day in meditation.” He has reportedly done so since birth.

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4. John Carpenter

Carpenter, largely responsible for the slasher genre, actually abhors the holiday that inspired his biggest hit. Little-known fact: John Carpenter is a devout Catholic who created the film as a cautionary tale to frighten teens away from celebrating a pagan holiday. He hoped Michael Myers would become so ingrained in the public subconscious that children would spend Halloween in church and not out on the streets.

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3. Vincent Price

Many would be surprised to find that the Master of Menace actually was found with a soul for getting down. While Price took part in many Halloween specials they were all taped at least a week in advance, and he would spend Halloween at home watching the specials in the dark.

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2. Alfred Hitchcock

Hitchcock, the man who put horror on the map, was a tad too pretentious for his own good. While he spent his days devising ways to frighten the movie-going public, he considered Halloween “amateur hour.” It’s said he kept a trained flock of birds outside his house to violently attack anyone who would approach his stoop to trick-or-treat.

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1. Neil Patrick Harris

NPH and his family famously go all-out with their creative Halloween costumes. However, the family has never laid a sacrificial goat over a concrete slab, drained the creature until its veins ran dry, then bathed in the goat’s blood while pledging their allegiance to the mighty Lucifer.

Kevin Cole

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