Tag Archives: Gun Control

Where are the guns?

Honey? Honey wake up! Something’s not right.

Oh my god, where are my guns? They’re gone! They’re all gone! Okay, don’t panic, they’ve got to be here somewhere maybe I accidentally left them behind the gun safe or in the pantry, they’re always the last place you used them. Jesus, where did I put them? What if the kids got a hold of them? No. I always told them not to play with the guns. They’re good kids, they’ll listen. They — oh, thank god they’re asleep.

Wait a minute… Of course. That bastard! The man from the TV, he said he would take them! I thought we were safe, I thought if I locked them away I could hold onto them for one more day. How could I have let my guard down? He just came in the middle of the night, unseen and unheard, like an evil Santa Claus. We weren’t even offered the chance to participate in a buy-back program. Just like that all my guns are gone. My Colt, my AK, my Han Solo blaster replica! All gone!

I can’t defend myself, my family, my kingdom. We’ll have to enroll in Jiu Jitsu classes. I just hope those Brazillians can be trusted…

Hey kids! Who wants to learn a martial art!? We have to learn all of them before President Mussolini comes knocking the door down to take you away and force you to pray to his sun god.

Daddy’s just going to go to the bathroom for a minute and then we’ll begin your home schooling. Wait… WHERE IS IT!?!

Kevin Cole

Santorum’s Campaign Entirely Fueled by Thoughts and Prayers

Annual Hackers recently uncovered the following email from within the Santorum campaign.

Dear Rick,

The latest polls are in and I simply must implore you to try a new campaign strategy. Back in 2012 you were a potential frontrunner, now we are dead last among every other GOP candidate. Rick, I’m begging you, please let us get out and do some actual campaigning. Enlisting evangelicals to come in and pray 8 hours a day for you to win is not working. You and I both know that God wants us to win, but we don’t have a change in H-E-Double hockey sticks if don’t start printing out flyers or putting your face on a billboard. Anything.

I’ve CCed the Santorum Think Tank on this as well. It cost a lot to fill a room with atheists and pay them to think about your presidency and the fact that you will win, but that’s no longer enough. I’m putting my foot down as campaign manager and asking them to stop thinking about the end goal and rather what it will take for us to get there. I’ve also asked the Think Tank to stop thinking about how “God is dead” because it might be counteracting the 8 hour prayer circle.

If prayers fail to start upping our poll numbers by Wednesday I will pull our staffers from the prayer circle so we can pay them to do graphic design and whatever else they were hired for.

Terry Allen
Campaign Manager – Santorum 2016