Tag Archives: Guns

NRA Gearing Up To Purchase America’s Naming Rights

In 2008, American’s elected Barack Obama on the premise of change, almost eight years later it seems the biggest change is just around the corner. Inside sources have indicated that the National Rifle Association, a majority stock holder in the House and the Senate, is preparing to flex their influence and purchase the naming rights to the United States. In 2014 the NRA spent $974,152 buying out individual congressmen, yet in 2013 they raised over $300 million and this surplus will soon be spent on a major political power play.

We reached out to NRA President Wayne LaPierre and he assured us that any changes would be minimal. “In most cases you’ll still be able to say you’re a ‘United States’ citizen, even when using abbreviations our great country’s title will be almost identical, with the exception of one letter.” The USAR.

Much to the excitement of AR-15 manufacturers like Barrett, Colt, and Knight’s Armament, the purchase of our country’s naming rights would solidify the AR-15 as a household rifle without the passage of legislation. “Wayne and I had numerous conversations about the upcoming purchase and found that it would only serve to strengthen the second amendment,” remarked former presidential candidate Ted Cruz, who was bought by the NRA for over $65,000. “Once we become the United States of Assault Rifles, it would be false advertising to reject them altogether. I think that’ll help folks sleep better at night.”

Aware of the importance of truth in advertising, the NRA recently acquired master-salesman Donald Trump to head up their latest campaign. “People think radical Islam is a bad word, but no one wants to say Assault Rifle either. Sad! It really is. So we’re going to hogtie the P.C. Police and force them to say it when they pledge allegiance to the great USofAR!” Trump said at a recent sales pitch following the Pulse Nightclub shooting that left 50 dead. “Once I’m running things, everyone will be packing heat. No background checks required. With that kind of firepower we won’t need gods to keep us safe. Trump. NRA. One Nation Under Guns!” he proclaimed as supporters fired celebratory rounds into the air.

With the country about to be bought out, the NRA has assured us that despite the name change, all the basic ingredients will remain the same. Under the United States of Assault Rifles, the second amendment will be safe from harm, just as the infallible slave owners who wrote the Constitution intended it to be.

Kevin Cole

Where are the guns?

Honey? Honey wake up! Something’s not right.

Oh my god, where are my guns? They’re gone! They’re all gone! Okay, don’t panic, they’ve got to be here somewhere maybe I accidentally left them behind the gun safe or in the pantry, they’re always the last place you used them. Jesus, where did I put them? What if the kids got a hold of them? No. I always told them not to play with the guns. They’re good kids, they’ll listen. They — oh, thank god they’re asleep.

Wait a minute… Of course. That bastard! The man from the TV, he said he would take them! I thought we were safe, I thought if I locked them away I could hold onto them for one more day. How could I have let my guard down? He just came in the middle of the night, unseen and unheard, like an evil Santa Claus. We weren’t even offered the chance to participate in a buy-back program. Just like that all my guns are gone. My Colt, my AK, my Han Solo blaster replica! All gone!

I can’t defend myself, my family, my kingdom. We’ll have to enroll in Jiu Jitsu classes. I just hope those Brazillians can be trusted…

Hey kids! Who wants to learn a martial art!? We have to learn all of them before President Mussolini comes knocking the door down to take you away and force you to pray to his sun god.

Daddy’s just going to go to the bathroom for a minute and then we’ll begin your home schooling. Wait… WHERE IS IT!?!

Kevin Cole