Last weekend I went out of town for less than a day, which might not count as “going out of town” but I digress, and when I returned I found this mysterious painting sitting upon my stoop:
I’m taking this time to reach out to the community and ask “who did this?” I’ve never seen it before and presume it’s some kind of unsolicited submission.
Here’s the thing, if it’s yours, please claim it or it’s going in the garbage. Do you think we care about running this picture? I know it’s halloween, but unless you change those ominous men to Ken Bone in a Trump shirt, we ain’t buying. Sorry.
Last week Kanye West did the unthinkable, he stopped his own concert to help someone else. Hoping in a stretch limousine he rushed to Paris hotel where his wife, Kim Kardashian had just been robbed. Now, Kim K. is speaking out about the eventful night, laying the blame on someone long gone from this etherial plane:
That’s right, it is currently believed that famed occultist and sex magician Aleister Crowley is behind the now infamous Paris robbery. Although he passed away in 1947, Crowley spent considerable time in Paris conjuring spirits with other like-minded sex magicians yet the art of sex magick is not a very profitable one. In 1903 Crowley needed to summon some quick cash to support his habits.
At the start of October, 1903, Aleister Crowley broke into the Paris Catacombs to begin a seven day ritual that is believed to have been the source of his mass wealth. Given Crowley’s success, we won’t list all the steps here (though they can be found in just about any book on Sex Magick). Prior to the start of the ritual, the magician must participate in a cleanse in which they may only partake in the nectar of various fruits of the earth, no solid food may pass their lips. Upon entering the catacomb they are to strip naked and spend 38 hours rolling around in the dirt until the dust forms an exoskeleton which will be necessary protect them from the demons to be summoned. The summoning process, perhaps the most grotesque step involves bones and… bones, let’s leave it at that. Once materialized, Crowley wrestled with the demons for two days (headlocks were not permitted, a standard set by sex magicians and adopted by pro-wrestlers across the globe). After proving his strength the demons disappeared and on the seventh day returned with the highly valued jewelry that Aleister Crowley would use to build his nest egg.
On October 8, 2016, Kim Kardashian would file a police report stating that while in her Paris hotel room a group of men “materialized through flames” and ransacked her belongings. These flames left no scorch marks inside the room. Among the most valuable items stolen were a cache of jewels bearing a resemblance to those worn by Crowley during his lifetime. Many have pointed to the matching accessories as a sign of the Kardashian’s occult status when in fact, it was Crowley who lifted Kim’s fashion sense.
Kim’s wedding ring was also stolen during the robbery, but Kanye West was quick refuse its return. West tweeted the following over the weekend: That thing’s probably on a demon dick somewhere and I don’t mess around with that Lady Gaga shit.
I was born with a gift: the ability to transform any normal, mundane Halloween costume into an object of sexual fantasy. Give me a costume design and I’ll give you the steps to making it sexy in three bullet points or less. Some may call this power sexist, but I would like to remind those readers that all genders can be sexy. Recently I solicited facebook friends for their costume challenges, what you’ll find below is a guide to making over 40 different costumes sexy for Halloween.
1970’s Apple Employee
- Match the aesthetic of an overworked computer nerd, don’t shave your face. Match the aesthetic of the 70s, don’t shave your pubes.
- Spending your entire day in a garage office start up, it’s okay to forego pants in favor of underwear.
- Tell friends about your innovative ideas for the bedroom.
- Place a patch of green screen over your genitals.
- Wear a suit jacket with no undershirt and a tie that hangs just low enough.
- Tell friends you’d like to see what’s happening in their neck of the woods.
Beanie Baby Puppy
- Lay on the floor with you felted ass in the air.
- Attach a large TY heart to your ear, on the inside write erotic poetry about doing it doggy style.
- Spend the night searching for secret emails but only find sexually explicit correspondences between Mr. and Mrs. Clinton
- Spend three years persistently asking Brad to sleep with you, long after that horse died from your inquiries.
- Drunkenly gaze at friends nether-regions under the guise of the “freedom of information act”
- Steal clothing items from the billionaire class.
- Heavily tax the fabrics on these items to make them more revealing.
As Halloween approaches, I’ve gone back and watched several classic horror films—notably, the Halloween series. While interesting to see how horror films have changed in the past decades, I was not truly scared by anything occurring on-screen. I didn’t go to bed worrying there would be a murderer in my closet; I didn’t double-check the locks to make sure no homicidal maniacs could get in undisturbed. Hell, I even left one leg out from under the covers, even though that guarantees a monster will ooze out from under the bed to devour it!
Americans aren’t as scared of the world as they used to be. We’ve all been desensitized. Off-key piano chords or a ghost jumping out from a wardrobe don’t have the same effect on us as those same tactics did forty years ago. People these days are more worried about healthcare, police brutality and Trump actually getting enough votes to become President!
So I thought: if I were a filmmaker, what could I use that would be truly scary? Something that everyone who went to the theater would be screaming about and cause them to have mental issues after viewing? Based on a study done in 2014, here is a list of things Americans fear:
- Public Speaking
- Bugs, snakes,and other animals
- Blood, needles
- Tight, confined spaces
Very few of these have justly been expressed in horror movies to date, so I now pitch the scariest film of all time:
The film opens at the airport. An attractive, single woman is boarding by herself, having just recently broken up with her boyfriend who was cheating on her with her best girlfriends (so now she is lonely and heartbroken, too).
She boards the plane (FLYING), and is seated in the middle seat (TIGHT, CONFINED SPACES) between two attractive men with foreign accents (STRANGERS). As the plane takes off (HEIGHTS), the men tell her more about themselves; one is a CLOWN in a travelling circus, while the other works for the Red Cross and is very pushy in his attempts to get her to become a blood donor (BLOOD, NEEDLES)! As they both begin to ask for more and more donations (CHARITIES), our protagonist excuses herself to go to the restroom.
In the very small (TIGHT, CONFINED SPACES) airplane bathroom, we see a flashback to a young girl, playing by the pool while her mother (MOTHERS) looks on. Suddenly, a traveling door-to-door vacuum salesman (STRANGERS) comes to the door, and the mother goes to talk to him. The girl is on her own, and she can’t seem to remember how to swim! She sinks to the bottom of the deep end…(DROWNING)
She awakens and realizes she must have dozed off in the airplane bathroom (ROOFIES). She quickly composes herself and walks out. She opens the door to discover all the lights are off (DARKNESS). She thinks that it must be dark outside the plane, and the lights have been turned off so others can sleep (INSOMNIA). She begins to see shapes moving about (GHOSTS), and thinks it is just her eyes adjusting to the DARK, as well as other passengers moving about. She struggles to get to her seat.
She gets to her middle seat, only to discover the two men are now ZOMBIES! She fights them off, and now realizes the entire plane is full of ZOMBIES! She gets to the divider between first class and coach, where the flight attendants are huddled scared. They tell her that the only way to stop the ZOMBIES is to use the on board microphone and recite the ancient incantation they accidentally used to summon them; but the trick is, she has to do it with all the ZOMBIES watching her! (PUBLIC SPEAKING!) She gathers her courage, digs deep, and reaches for the microphone. Oh, but did we forget to mention the microphone cord is now a COBRA and the mouthpiece is COVERED IN BUGS and the plane is now just ONE GIANT ALBINO RAT?! Our heroine no longer cares! She screams, grabs for the microphone and recites the incantation!
She awakens back in her middle seat between the two foreign men, cheerful and talkative as ever, with the sun shining bright outside. All the people from her dream are there, and nothing bad has happened. She reaches into her purse, pulls out her phone, and realizes SHE JUST HAD THAT CRAZY DREAM BECAUSE THERE IS NO FREE WIFI ON THE PLANE!!!!!!!
See? Kids these days aren’t scared anymore. Only by threat of taking away their internet and electronic gadgets can we get a rise out of them. There are plenty more sequels where this movie comes from. I’m thinking a cinematic universe combining Apple, Samsung, Google—hell, we might as well get a Microsoft straight-to-HD DVD version in there somewhere. Enjoy it while it lasts, America, because one day you might wake up, and your cell phone signal will only be two-and-a-half bars…
In an internal memo sent out by a top CNBC executive, presidential candidates participating in tonight’s debate have been encouraged to wear Halloween costumes onstage. Citing concerns that GOP Contenders have run out of steam with regard to hot-button non-issues, CNBC is hoping that taking a festive approach to three-hour programming block will make up for a predicted drop in ratings.
“Viewers without a cable subscription won’t be able to watch so we’re pulling out the stops to attract whoever we can” said Mark Hoffman, CNBC’s Head of Programming. “We’re going up against Empire for christ’s sake!” He added before discussing plans to project moderators onto the set dressed as the hitchhiking ghosts from Disney’s Haunted Mansion ride.
As of press time The Annual was unable to confirm whether or not candidates would be attending in costume. Steve Harper, a political analyst for the site has predicted that Carly Fiorina will dress as a sexy nurse with little concern for her fellow woman. Ben Carson is expected to dress as a time traveling gun salesman, while Donald Trump will likely attend in his usual outfit but when asked Trump will say he’s dressed as The President.
Drugs are expensive.
I saw a Facebook post (shared by several others) stating that parents need to be extremely cautious about letting their children go trick-or-treating this year, due to the very real possibility of packets of drugs that look like candy. And yes, other people were commenting about the direness of the situation, which they believed to be undeniably true. Unlike most internet users, I took 20 seconds to Google this article and see that it is undeniably false; there is no real threat this year that is greater than any other year of children receiving drugs or any other kind of dubious candy and treats. In fact, almost every story you have ever heard concerning a child receiving a Snickers bar with a razor blade inside, or Ecstasy-laced sweet tarts, or a poisoned box of Milk Duds (although those things taste like poison anyway) has been fabricated and forwarded from grandmother to grandmother until it became actual news.
Drugs are WAY too expensive for playing pranks on neighborhood kids. Can you imagine spending hundreds of dollars for some molly, dropping it into an unsuspecting child’s candy bag with a huge grin on your face, watching as they walk away, never knowing what actually happened to that kid when they finished eating a couple hundred dollars of yours? No one is that malicious. You might do it to an unsuspecting friend, but at least you get to watch them freak out. The type of people who can afford and know where to purchase drugs would not even consider giving their restricted substances away! Nor would these hypothetical substance-purchasers mix up their bags of drugs with bags of anything-that-is-not drugs. No druggie is going to have their drug-bag in their hand, hear the doorbell ring, rush to the candy bowl, drop the drugs in the bowl for easier carrying, open the door, and start dropping bags willy-nilly into these kids’ open hands. Then close the door, put the candy bowl down, realize they have lost their drugs, then not immediately go stop all those kids and get those drugs back.
What about all these other dangerous candy ideas? Think about the work that goes into putting a razor blade in a miniature candy bar.
First, you have to buy the candy. Candy is on sale. Next, buy razor blades. You are going to need to find razor blades that are small enough to be hidden in a fun-size candy bar and won’t clearly be sticking out of the wrapper. Half of you have already given up reading this article, because this evil scheme is too much effort. But for those readers left: we need to find a way to surgically insert the razor blade into the chocolate, without leaving any obvious puncture wounds or bits of blade visible.
“But wait, Thomas! Kids are stupid! They probably wouldn’t even notice if the wrapper is open or if there is a two inch metal object jutting out the end of their sweet, delicious Twix!”
A-ha! But that is where YOU are wrong, reader! I was able to ask a wide selection of children on the street if they wanted my clearly opened Three Musketeers, and all of them refused! (This may not have been the most scientific or legal approach, but there we have it. Also, I couldn’t rule out the possibility that all kids just hate Three Musketeers bars.) Most parents set this as the most important rule: don’t eat things that are already opened. By abiding by this rule, all children will avoid these obvious razor blades, the small saran-wrapped zip locked baggies of coke, and the most dangerous—a POISONED GRANNY SMITH APPLE!
So, taking into account that the majority of children won’t just eat a razor blade dipped in chocolate, you will have to use the razor blade to cut a slit in the packaging—probably on the edge of the sealed seam—so that you can then cover it back up easily. Next, you will have to push the blade into the candy. Candies with nuts are much firmer, while plain nougat is softer (but it is possible the kids don’t even want your Three Musketeers, and now all that work is for nothing).
Now, you’ve somehow managed to get the blade into the candy and covered it up well enough to pass the mediocre inspection of the child and possibly the child’s parents. The kid opens it (again, missing your entry point), and eats it. If he takes a bite, he will most likely notice something hard and foreign right away; if he has not cut his tongue or lip, the plot is discovered and no harm done, except for the lifelong fear of trick-or-treating you have instilled. If there is a cut, it will probably be the same outcome with a bit of crying and hysterical parents. Either way, not much of a payoff for all this time and effort, unless you enjoy causing small amounts of pain to children. But what I assume this person is really expecting is that the kid just swallows the mini candy bar without chewing, as most children are wont to do. As the candy is slowly digested, the blade emerges from its hidden edible packaging and wreaks all kinds of havoc, probably ending in a trip to the hospital, if not death.
Barriers: Money, time, steady hands, dumb parents, dumb kids, a very sick and twisted hatred of children.
There has got to be an easier way! There are many methods to surprise these kids with an injury that just hasn’t been thought of yet. It doesn’t even have to be physical harm! When kids come up to your door this Halloween, check to see how far away the parents are and ask them what their favorite swear word is! If they don’t know any, teach them your own favorite! Now it’s an educational night for them as well! Or how about some fireworks? Kids love fire and any excuse to use it! Slip some fireworks in their bags with a wink, and make sure they promise not to tell Mom and Dad! And what do kids love? Stickers! They put them on everything. And if you are already willing to pass out drugs, why not get into making drug-laced stickers? I’ve heard they’re all the rage. Heck, if parents find out, they might come over for an actual sale. Now that’s the true Halloween spirit—boosting the economy!
What we really should be teaching these children is that drugs are really expensive, and there are better things to do on Halloween than give them out for free.