Tag Archives: Hamilton

The Definitive Guide for Surviving Thanksgiving In Trump’s America

Thanksgiving, the great American gathering. For decades, the politically minded have dreaded this post-election holiday which challenges them to reach across the aisle and deconstruct what it means to be American with their right-wing relatives. The discourse over mashed potatoes hasn’t been this divided since President Obama won a second term, and even then, the worst that most endured were rants about Obamacare and the coming death panels. Two years ago, those same relatives were calling victims of police brutality “thugs” and now they’re coming to the dinner table with a sense of supremacy (white supremacy).

It’s hard to understand how white supremacy could reign supreme at Thanksgiving (provided you ignore America’s history of massacring indigenous people and focus on the food alone). Afterall, white meat is the worst part of the bird. It’s dry, it’s bland, dark meat ought to reign supreme, I digress but keep this metaphor in your back pocket in case things get testy.

For those who choose not to opt out of tense family gatherings, survival will rely largely on prayer. Sure, prayer didn’t prevent a Trump presidency, but small miracles are still possible.

In the worst case scenario you may be celebrating at a conservative relative’s house, and that’s fine, remember, the house holds no political beliefs no matter how many Trump signs are in the front yard (and if you accidentally happen to hit one as you back out of the driveway, no one will mind, the election’s already over). As an aunt helps you with your coat and whispers “this is your first time in a Trump supporter’s house” don’t take the bait. This is the first step to proving your resilience. Smile and nod and don’t lose sight of the fact that Trump has been appointing white supremacists to his cabinet, the fact that you’re related to his supporters will not normalize the monstrous things he’s about to do. From here, navigate away from politics as quickly as humanly possible, for once it will be a blessing when relatives ask what you’re doing after high school/college, when will have a girlfriend, or what are you going to do with an art major. Breathe a sigh of relief that your lack of life choices is the chosen topic of conversation as opposed to dismissing sexual assault as locker room talk.

While killing time before dinner, remember that dogs are truly man’s best friend, as are cats, or in this instance anything incapable of forming a complete sentence. Human’s have been disregarding one another to play with pets and toddlers for centuries and that tradition isn’t about to stop. How cold is outside? 36 degrees? That’s just above freezing, perfect for fetch! Get to know your family member’s beloved pet and they’ll call you when the Turkey’s ready.

No matter how experienced your uncle may be, offer to carve the turkey. You are the best insurance that no one will slice a racial epithet into the side of a pheasant. Compliment every item of food, go in depth, remember to keep them talking about anything but the election. The most important thing is to stay strong. At times the conversation may veer into pop culture and no matter how much you think American Horror Story is trash TV, that opinion is far easier for some to stomach than the fact that we made Trash-TV our President-elect.

As coversations come to a lull, pray that someone brings up football. Sure, you’ve never watched the sport, but you’re desperate and fortunately in the home stretch. The name of the game for this last hour is distraction, like Mike Pence attending Hamilton except not like that because your cousin still can’t wrap his brain around a black George Washington. Stay calm, practice deep breaths and as soon as someone utters the phrase “radical Islam” quietly excuse yourself to use the bathroom, and jump out the second window to safety of the concrete driveway below.

Kevin Cole

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DIY Strategies To Defeat Trump

Fellow Americans, who among you has not grown annoyed with Donald Trump’s obnoxious face? It is clogging our newsfeeds, strangely overlapping between politics and entertainment, being the volatile combination of largely relevant and polarizing at the same time; I have compiled a list of tactics for us to wage wide-scale individual warfare against this unexpected cultural political force. Read on, brothers and others:

WHAT CAN WE DO?

Visualize:

It has been said by so many that if you put something into the universe, it is that much closer to being realized. There is weight to the notion that you can speak something into being. Personally, I have heard a number of accounts of this happening with an effect that is nothing less than magic. A woman I know wanted a purse, not just any purse, a beautiful coach bag (as women are wont to want). Because she couldn’t afford it, she put it into the universe. She wanted that bag and let the universe know. Less than a month later, her employer gave her the exact bag as a gift! 

Most recently, I met a woman who spoke of wanting tickets to the wildly successful Broadway hit Hamilton. (YOU AND ME BOTH, RIGHT SISTER??) She was advised by her guru (who I was told is based on Arizona) to put her desires out into the universe. In a similar fashion to the previous woman, less than a month after speaking this want, a friend whom she had not seen in over a year, who happened to be well connected in the business, gave her not one, but FOUR TICKETS TO HAMILTON. ESSENTIALLY, TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS.

With the sort of turn-over rate of less than a month, if enough of us put forth the desire to get rid of Trump, he can be gone by bathing suit season. Although, there does seem to be a trend of helpfulness by having connections to the people who have the things that you want. So, while a great number of us can do it, all we really need is one person on our side who is well acquainted with Her Majesty, Death Herself, to make it happen.

Voodoo Dolls:

Much can be said for the efficacy of inflicting damage by channeling feelings into a different object than the object of your scorn. Like the time in middle school I punched a pillow with all of my might because my ex-best friend, Deborah took my gel pens (it is worth noting her face happened to be on the other side of the pillow.)

I did get those pens back. Thank you for asking.

The most organized way to coordinate this effort of diverted aggression is to have everyone inflict their wrath of the same sort of medium. Now, we can’t very well all go to the same place to enact change. Who can deal with those kinds of crowds? Ick. Now, I’m not terribly familiar with voodoo, but I do know how the dolls work. The instructions are below:

A) Take any base material you prefer. That being said, I would never want to encourage wasting any sort of precious material on this exercise. I recommend just going ahead and using a piece of shit. Animal or human is totally fine- it just needs to be firm enough to handle while still pliable.

B) Attach googly eyes to the shit. (Available at your local craft store or a random drawer in your mom’s house.)

C) Set your doll up in a space to complete the exercise. You could do this on the floor, or using a standing desk- whatever you feel is best for your back.

D) Once it’s all set up, stare at it.

E) Stare it right in the goddamn googly eyes.

F) Continue staring and begin seething. Seethe with rage at the thought of Trump stealing your freedom, like Deborah, that pen-thieving whore.

G) Once you’ve hit a plateau of indignant frothy rage, scream at the doll. Say, “GO AWAY, TRUMP”. Feel free to take creative liberties with emphasis and elongating vowels. You will want to repeat this three times for good measure; five, if you aren’t in a hurry.

H) Kick the doll. Kick that shit clear across the room. This may prove difficult if you’ve chosen a higher, back-friendly work option for your work station. But, you’re a champion of justice now, and you will make it work.

Hopefully, this widespread practice will strike an unknown terror into the hole where Donald Trump’s heart should be, and he will in fact, go away.

Be as dismissive as humanly possible:

Everyone knows that the best way to deal with someone so obviously desperate for attention and adoration is to ignore them until their own self-conciousness eats them alive. Unfortunately, this will be difficult to do, as Trump has proven a mastery of garnering attention. So, we must do the next best thing, and entirely minimize everything he says and does. “Trump? That guy?? What a clown!!” Much like that.

Make sure to put as much effort as possible into reducing breath spent discussing his platforms. Really push the baby hands. The important thing about this is to focus ridicule where it really hurts, like his physical appearance and demeanor. It’s just like high school. It doesn’t actually matter how dangerous anyone has the potential of being, as long as the general population acknowledges they’re a stupid ugly jerk face.

Remember: laughter is the best medicine. A real doctor said that, whom I’m sure saved many lives through the practice of laughing away terminal illness. Do the same and use laughter to cure the disease of Donald Trump’s stupid Silly-Putty Dorito face.

Here’s the bottom line: 

At this dire juncture in the course of American politics, our strongest weapon we have is to muster all of the strength we have to resist someone so deeply off-putting. (How embarrassing would he be for America, right?) SAY IT, SEE IT, BELIEVE IT, ACHIEVE IT- Get Trump out of our trending subjects.

**PS: I TOO WOULD LIKE TO GO SEE HAMILTON. THANKS IN ADVANCE UNIVERSE

Isabel Duarte

Incredible! Crush Your Dreams With These Counterfeit Hamilton Tickets

Hamilton is the hottest show on Broadway since Cats and tickets are sold out for the next twenty years. Even if a seat became available, you would have to shell out $50,000 dollars for it. Luckily, we can get you closer to Hamilton than ever before with your own counterfeit Hamilton ticket!

Hamilton Tix

Print out the bad boy above and tell your friends that you’ve scored “a genuine ticket to Broadway’s Hamilton!” Book a flight, spend a weekend in New York and when you’re turned away at the door: head home with your own New York tragedy. If you’re lucky, impassioned friends will rally around you and start a Go Fund Me page to get you actual tickets!

Kevin Cole