to: The Blistering Summer Heat
I don’t know how we got to this place. I remember spending cold winter nights daydreaming about what it would be like when we were together again. I couldn’t wait to live surrounded by your sunny embrace. You were all I could think about. And when you finally came around, you were the best thing in my life. You brought me so much love and joy and even on the select few occasions where you were a bit too much too soon, I embraced it. It had been almost a year since I had felt that warm feeling and so I perspired willingly. At some point, I fell in love with it.
But your comfortable breeze quickly turned stale, thick and stuffy. You’ve changed. And I’ve changed. Literally. I cannot wear fewer than 3 shirts a day because I sweat through all of them. I take off my socks every day and wring them out like sponges, shedding a little of our love with every drop of foot sweat. It really just feels like you’re doing this on purpose to control me. I used to be able to wear whatever I wanted, but now I have to dress myself according to how hot you’re going to make the world. I want to decide what clothes to put on my body based on my style or mood, not based on how unbearable you are going to be on any given day.
And it’s not just what I wear – it’s everything I do. I can’t even make plans without first consulting you. I can’t just spend the day on a hike with friends or taking a stroll in the park, not with you there, blowing hot air down our necks. You make it impossible for us to just enjoy ourselves. You’re suffocating me.
I think I need to find someone more temperate. Perhaps a manufactured jet of cool central air, or maybe an entirely new season. I hear pumpkin spice is great this time of year– maybe I will find myself a mild autumn breeze to love. I don’t know who I’m meant to be with, but I do know it’s not you.
I do still care about you and I want us to be friends. I just don’t know how to do that at this point. That’s the hardest part of all of this. In fact, as I type this, I cannot tell if I am sweating or crying. Perhaps it’s both. But that’s exactly the problem; I am just not happy with you. And I don’t think I ever will be.
I hope we can still be friends.
All the best,
It’s the longest day of the year, alternatively, the atmosphere has provided us with some of the hottest temperatures on record. Regardless of where you are, things are getting hot and you can use these tips to survive the solstice.
- Gather your friends and stand in an abandoned pool until the heat compels you to host a functioning pool party.
- Break open your A/C Unit and stuff ice cubes into whatever empty space you can find.
- Casually browse Alaskan Airbnb listings
- Go streaking until you realize you are too hot and tired to run.
- Stand in the nude.
- Realizing the low cost of ice and syrups, open a Sno-cone stand and become a millionaire (it’s the longest day of the year, you have time).
- Start sweatin’ to the oldies!
- Purchase a cold-blooded lizard and learn its ways.
- Let the bastards get you down.
- Call your relatives and tell them you love them.
- Lay in bed as the sweat pools around you, slowly you will become one with the moisture in the air and evaporate.
The biggest problem with the summer seems to be the constant energy consumption. You’ll do anything to stay cool, until the bill arrives. Luckily, we at The Annual have compiled a list of simple ways to keep energy costs down while beating the heat.
- Unplug your fridge at night, the air naturally cools down once the sun goes down so you won’t need to worry about anything spoiling.
- Use migrant labor instead of electric fans.
- Knock large holes in all your exterior walls, and enjoy the cross breeze.
- Go old school and carry a box fan on your shoulder like a boombox.
- Sign a pact in phallic blood with Marchosias, mighty archduke of Hell, and be granted the ability to thrive in all temperatures.
- Instead of wasting your own energy figuring out ways to save energy, just turn on the a/c and listen to ac/dc’s greatest hits.
(P.s. Best results are found when using a vaporizer while listening).
- Plan ahead by harvesting ice during the winter, then use it to insulate your home in the summer.
- Purchase a summer home on the moon. You must provide your own transportation. Time shares available.
- Scope out the homes of older couples going on vacation. Move into home, and tell neighbors that your great-aunt and uncle who previously inhabited the house died in a freak accident. Replace all photographs in the home with pictures of yourself and your cat. Alternately, for more sustainable use, scope out the homes of older couples who may kick the bucket soon.
Compiled by Parker Benbow, Kevin Cole, Nicolas Contreras, Isabel Duarte, David Luna, and Steve Younkins
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