Tag Archives: Hillary Clinton

One Last Shouting Match: Trump’s Best Moments From The Final Debate

Chris Wallace: Welcome to the third and final presidential debate between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton–

Donald Trump: Before we go any further, I just want to go on the record that I am drug free. I urinated in a cup before we started and I had the best, cleanest urine. Clear. Like water. You could drink it, believe me. Anyway, my doctor has certified it – Drug. Free. You don’t see Hillary taking a drug test. What is she hiding?

Chris Wallace: Alright Mr. Trump, I’m going to have to stop you there. For tonight’s debate, I will ask the questions and you will each be given two minutes to respond.

Donald Trump: (Rolling his eyes) Okay Chris.

Chris Wallace: I beg your pardon?

Donald Trump: Anderson Cooper said the same thing. Are you ALSO going to let Secretary Clinton go over her time? I just want to make sure we’re being fair here.

Chris Wallace: When the time is up, I will inform Secretary Clinton, as I will for you. If we all stick to the time, there won’t be any problems.

Donald Trump: Okay, I just want to make sure it’s fair.

Chris Wallace: It will be.


Hillary Clinton: The last seven statements made about me are completely false and if you go to my website HillaryClinton.com–

Donald Trump: Don’t go to her website.

Hillary Clinton: — we have fact checkers —

Donald Trump: Don’t go to her website.

Hillary Clinton: — who are constantly checking Donald’s statements.

Donald Trump: Lies. Her fact checkers are liars. If you go to her website she just going to ask you for money. She’s going to ask you to make a “contribution” to her campaign but she’s just using that money to buy the election. She is RIGGING this election and she using her WEBSITE to do it.

Hillary Clinton: … Again, HillaryClinton.com for the facts.


Chris Wallace: … with that in mind, what will you do to handle immigration? Mr. Trump you may answer first.

Donald Trump: First of all, I would like to call attention my special guest tonight, Malik OBAMA. Now Malik is from KENYA, but he’s a US Citizen. How? I find that very interesting. I’ve spoken to Malik. We’re friends, Malik and I, and he finds it interesting that he could gain citizenship so easily. He wasn’t born here. He was born in Kenya. Sound familiar? I have worked with him to develop a new immigration policy that is fair to all Americans. Under my administration, you will have to be born in America to even be CONSIDERED for citizenship. To gain instant citizenship both sets of biological grandparents will have to be American Citizens. Without that, they are illegal. They are OUT! Of course, there will be exceptions. There are always exceptions. Malik, he’s okay. He’s my guy. But believe me, we will be a lot tougher on what constitutes a citizen.


Hillary Clinton: We’re going to use the intelligence agencies at our disposal and —

Chris Wallace: Secretary, your time is up.

Hillary Clinton: — that’s how we’ll —

Donald Trump: Your time is up Hillary! Hillary, your time is up! Can you believe her, folks? I mean, what is she, deaf?

Chris Wallace: Mr. Trump, I’ll keep track of time, thank you very much.

Donald Trump: Excuse me, you were going to let her go for another minute and now you’re mad at me for shutting her up? This is unfair. She blatantly cheating by going over her time and I’m in trouble for making sure she follows the rules. This is a mess, Chris. I expected better from you.

Kevin Cole

Support our writers on Patreon

Why Hillary Clinton Must Embrace Taco Trucks on Every Corner

Last night,  Marco Guteirrez, founder of Latinos for Trump, threatened that “if you don’t do something about [immigration] you are going to have taco trucks on every corner.” This is very on-message for the Trump campaign, even if it is toned down from usual threat of murder and rape from across the border.

At this very moment, Clinterns are hard at work wedging this 5 second soundbite into the campaign’s next ad calling Donald Trump a double-racist:


VOICE OVER as black and white clips from cable news play on screen:

Just when you thought it was safe to listen to a Trump Supporter…

MARCO GUTEIRREZ

Taco trucks on every corner!!

note to editors: insert 20 more seconds of racist trump quotes here.

Title card:
CLINTON 2016


However, this is counter-intuitive. The Clinton Campaign would be wise to spend their resources embracing “taco trucks on every corner” as opposed to making it another flagship moment of Trump-based racism.

Obviously, Clinton isn’t hurting in the latino demographic, Trump’s done an excellent job of ensuring her success there. “Taco trucks on every corner” has the potential to be another “hot sauce in my bag” moment for Hillary. It’s a welcoming message to so many groups, particularly white male taco truck owners in the Bernie or Bust camp.

Taco trucks on every corner comes with the promise of job growth, diversity, and an increase in tacos. Let’s face it Hillary, people love tacos and if Trump can successfully run on a platform of “having the best words” why not win by having the best tacos?

Kevin Cole

Support our writers on Patreon

AP Declares Clinton Victory in California

WASHINGTON (AP) – Hillary Clinton secured a historic, landslide win in the California primary today. As of 9:35am EST (6:35 am PST) an Associated Press count declared her to be the winner in the state, contrary to polls placing her neck and neck with rival Bernie Sanders.

With 0% of precincts reporting and 14 hours before they close, Clinton has secured the majority of votes within the state. In finding these results, the AP’s top counters intercepted thousands of early voter and absentee ballots, nearly all of which were in support of Hillary.

“It’s almost embarrassing, Bernie Sanders had maybe 4 votes total” remarked one counter. While our counters are unable to confirm the identity of these Sanders supporters, it is believed that they are Dick Van Dyke, Susan Sarandon, Danny DeVito and James Adomian.

With this landslide win under her belt, the Associated Press is proud to be the first media outlet to declare Hillary Clinton the be the presumptive winner of the 2016 election and our nation’s next president. We look forward to receiving our Pulitzer.

#GiveHillaryAGirlfriend

Across the internet, the rallying cry of a generation has emerged: MAKE IT GAYER! they shout, from #GiveElsaAGirlfriend to #GiveCaptainAmericaABoyfriend it’s time that these characters hook-up with someone of the same gender identity. Representation is important, but why must that it be limited to the purely fictional. What we need is homosexual representation in the real world, which is why it’s the perfect time to #GiveHillaryAGirlfriend.

What more inspiring visage for LGBTQ youth could their be than to pair our first female president with a first lady? Up until now, Hillary Clinton hasn’t seen much viral success, but with #GiveHillaryAGirlfried she could become an internet sensation, giving her the strength to break away from Donald Trump as they grow closer in the polls.

Of course, there will be plenty of naysayers, those who believe Hillary should stick to political canon which dictates that she has been a lifelong heterosexual, married to former President Bill Clinton since 1975. However, even Hillary was canonically opposed to same-sex marriage until 2013. Perhaps as characters grow, they can have a change of heart and given the fluid nature of sexuality it is entirely possible that she could find herself attracted to someone of the same gender. Bill was a great addition to the Hillary Clinton saga, he added an incredible dramatic plot line in the late 90s, but it’s time to retire the character for something hotter. If the polls reflect that the people really want to #GiveHillaryAGirlfriend then perhaps that will nudge her in the right direction, as it has on so many other important issues. It’s time that we unite as a party and proclaim “I’m with her and also her!”

Kevin Cole

I Always Carry A Dime Bag In My Bag

Hey kiddos!

It’s the twentieth day of April, so I hope you all had the chance to wake up and bake! I know I did. I always carry a dime bag in my bag and that’s because just like you, I’m wild and care free. I toke it up on the reg, especially today, the 420. Just sprinkle a dash of that herb on my bong and I’m ready to roll – a big ol’ fat one that is.

I know a lot of the cynics out there may say I’m just “pandering to the millennial crowd” but I’d like to ask them to chill. Bill may not have inhaled but I certainly have. I tell ya, when President Obama, or as I call him the Narc In Chief, wasn’t looking I would hot box in air force one Cheech Chong.

If you want to get high with your Doobie Brothers, remember that Chillary’s got the dope. Even if Senator Sanders talks a big game, he’s only been lit twice, I was lit 420 times today. So when you go out to cast your vote remember you can’t get the THC without HC.

Hillary Clinton

Bernie’s Campfire – Single Issue Candidate

This week, Bernie addresses claims from the opposition that he is nothing more than a single issue candidate.

Please send any questions you have for Senator Sanders to BerniesCampfire@gmail.com or tweet @SandersCampfire.

Click here to hear past addresses.

Continue reading Bernie’s Campfire – Single Issue Candidate