Tag Archives: Hillary Clinton

Trump’s Most Recent Bowel Movement

Recently, Donald Trump blasted Hillary Clinton’s bathroom break during the Democratic Debate as “disgusting.” Commentators have been quick to judge Trump without knowing his personal experience on the matter. The following is a minute by minute timeline of his most recent bowel movement:

May 31, 2005 4:47 pm: Donald Trump takes a small swig of water during an Apprentice boardroom taping when his stomach makes a slight gurgle.

5:04 pm: Stomach rumbles intensify.

5:10 pm: Sounds emitting from the depths of Trump’s bowels make it impossible to continue the day’s taping without causing audio issues. The director pauses the shoot and Trump taps a small button hidden under the the boardroom table.

5:11 pm: Trump rises from his chair, a small fart squeaks through his butt cheeks.

5:13 pm: Trump storms through the halls of Trump tower, gently cropdusting the golden shag carpet beneath his feet. The clock is ticking.

5:14 pm: Trump, alone, enters the Executive Boardroom. He lays a finger on a thumbprint scanner and a bookcase descends to reveal the Executive Bathing Suite. Lined wall to wall in ivory tile made from the tusks of elephants hunted by his own sons, a solid gold shitter sits across from him.

5:14:52 pm: Letting out a sigh of relief, one last fart escapes his buttocks. A turd the size of a pearl exits with it.

5:14:54 pm: With very little time left, Trump drops his slacks and sits upon his throne.

5:15:01 pm: The Purge begins.

7:38 pm: Out of breath and hoarse of voice, the last of Trump’s leavings fill the bowl.

7:39 pm: Trump taps a small call bell sitting in the space typically reserved for toilet paper.

7:40 pm: Eight well prepped butlers enter the room, they’ve been waiting for this day. Hoisting Trump to his feet, they take shifts chiseling away at the product of a hard day’s work with the finest silk.

8:02 pm: The clean up is nearly completed as a ninth butler enters to act as a human bidet.

8:04 pm: The nine butlers are taken out back and shot behind Trump Tower to rid the world of witnesses. A new batch will be selected through a future reality program. The silks are sent to a dry cleaner in Chinatown.

8:45 pm: Trump returns to his peaceful slumber, it will be twenty years before another incident.

Kevin Cole

This Moment Rocked the #DemDebate

CNN’s Democratic Debate ran for almost three hours. During that time the top five democratic contenders for the presidency discussed issues ranging from race to gun control, but it was Senator Bernie Sanders who stole the show… 
Oh yeah, that’s right Bernie! For the past 6 months Hillary’s campaign has been stifled by the controversy over emails she kept on a private server, but not anymore. It’s time to hunker down and focus on the real issues, next question Mr. Cooper?

Wait wait, this better be about policy because…

Well said! The American people want to hear about where the candidates stand on such issues as climate change and foreign policy, not whether or not Hillary secretly deleted emails that belong in the public record. This is a debate after all, not a time to discuss where the emails of our Secretary of State ought to be stored. So enough is enough with these emails! Let ’em hear you in back, Bernie!

Kevin Cole

O’Malley Plans to “wow” at #DemDebate with Homemade Podium

Presidential hopeful and self-starter Martin O’Malley has taken a thrifty approach to his campaign in hopes to win over the youthful hipster vote. Prior to disappearing from the campaign trail all together, O’Malley decided to save money in an attempt to connect with millennials by printing out campaign banners on 8.5×11 copy paper.IMG_1576

“I think my new approach to campaigning will really hook that key crafty-mom demo.” O’Malley said in a statement to the press. Staffers have noted that to date O’Malley has recycled four amazon boxes and used nearly 28 glue sticks to construct his podium.

According to Campaign Manager David Hamerick “The thing is loaded with glitter, once stage lights hit it it will be the only thing visible on stage.” This will no doubt aide O’Malley in the debate as he has largely been overshadowed by candidates willing to engage in policy, rhetoric and voters.

“We know that many college-aged voters are looking for candidates who can relate to them, so we ironically purchased O’Malley’s debate suit at Good Will.” Hamerick added. “At this point, we’re about appealing to anybody who will listen or give the candidate airtime.”

CNN plans to provide podiums for all candidates at the Debate but O’Malley is really hoping this solo-podium earn him the label of “maverick.”

Kevin Cole