Tag Archives: how to

How to Vote in The Maryland Primary

Tuesday will a big day for voters, with 5 states hosting their primary elections. Maryland is set to play a key role with 95 delegates at stake for Democrats and 38 for republicans. This comes with numerous changes to the voting process as the state has decided to forego electronic ballots, luckily we have all the tips you need to cast your vote in the Maryland Primary.

Finding Your Polling Place

Your polling location should have been mailed out to you. In the event that you forgot, the easiest way to locate it is to go outside the night before election day, locate the North Star and follow it for 57 paces. This should plant your right in front of your designated polling place, leave a trail of bread crumbs so that you can locate it in the morning.

What To Bring

While the constitution ensures your right to vote, there are strict laws in place to protect you from voter fraud. The easiest way to be guaranteed your ability to vote remains is to bring a copy of your fourth grade year book, this has been the gold standard of identification since the Lincoln administration.

New Ballots

While Maryland votes are no longer cast with electronic machines, the new ballots aren’t entirely new. Election officials have opted to revert back to methods used by the state’s founding fathers. When you arrive at your polling place, you will be given an electoral crab mallet, find the crab that represents your chosen candidate and give it wack (names are often written on the underside of the crab in blue sharpie). The bashed crab will then be cooked and fed to a state delegate representing your candidate, the delegate to gain the most weight decides the outcome.

Voting While Independent

Independent voters get very little say in Maryland’s closed primary. So little say that independents who enter a polling place are often locked up and sentenced to 6 months in prison, which tends to disqualify them from voting in the general election. However, it is still possible for independents to make their voices heard. When the moon is in its third phase, burn an effigy to your candidate of choice deep within a field of corn, let the blaze catch amongst the crops and spread to the nearby villages. The message of your chosen candidate will be carried on ashes and taken to the state house in Annapolis.

Upon Completion

Wear your “I Voted” sticker with pride so that you do not fall victim to the hoards of spring breakers, searching a human beer bong to take with them Ocean City.

Kevin Cole

How to Be A Good Friend

Step 1: Find Someone To Be Your Friend

This can be anyone you share common interests with or someone you think is interesting and nice.

Step 2: Did You Find a Friend Yet?

Really, anyone will do. Don’t be too picky.

Step 3: How About Now?

Come on, there’s got to be someone you’re acquaintances with that will make a good friend.

Step 4: That Guy Gerry In Spin Class Seems Nice.
Step 5: You’re Going To Have To Speak To People To Find A Friend 

It’s okay to be shy, but you’re going to have to push through it. Enjoying someone else’s company is a big part in being a friend. 

Step 6: Okay Then, How About A Dog?

Dogs make great companions for humans. In fact dogs love humans so much they are referred to as man’s best friend.

Step 7: Find A Rescue Shelter

There are many shelters in and around New York City. Finding a furry friend will be no trouble.

Step 8: Ouch, That Bite Looks Bad.

The blood is oozing out of the bandage! Clean yourself up before we continue your journey of being a good friend.

Step 9: We’ve Found The Perfect Friend For You, An American Girl Doll!

Meet Samantha, she’s never met a person she didn’t want to share her toys with. She loves adventures and listening to her friends when they need someone to talk to, she’ll be a perfect friend for you!

Step 10: Go To Brunch

Now that you have a new friend, it’s time to work on how you can be a GOOD friend. Friends love going to brunch with other friends. Take Samantha to a nice Sunday brunch and get to know her better. Be sure to offer to pay, it’s only polite.

Step 11: YOU BURNED OFF SAMANTHA’S HAIR

We understand Samantha is a doll but the number one rule of friendship is “Do Not Burn Your Friend’s Hair Off” and you broke that rule when you decided to use Samantha as nighttime lamp.

Step 12: Take This Body Pillow

This body pillow is your new friend. Hug it when you feel lonely, kick it when you feel angry, chew it when you are hungry. That is how to be a good friend to a body pillow.

Briana Haynie

Additional Awkward Affairs

Andrew Michaels
Artwork by Kelsey Sartory

Unintentional Boob Grab

The Unintentional Boob Grab

Every man has been a “victim” of the unintentional boob grab. While there are men who use this incident to purposefully grab a love muffin, others find their hands in the wrong place at the wrong time. Most grabs occur in crowded areas, such as hallways, elevators or concert venues.

Say you are at a concert and land a decent spot on the floor right near the stage. Suddenly, a mosh fight breaks out. For those of you who don’t know what a mosh fight is, it consists of a large group of people shoving each other every which way for the hell of it.

As the shoving gets worse, you stand your ground with you hands at your chest, trying to avoid the constant bodies flying at you. But let’s face it; one is bound to hit you at some point. And, with your luck, that one is a woman with perky Pointer-Sisters. After “cuppage,” it is possible to redeem yourself.

How to proceed:

  1. Consider acting like you have no idea what happened. Don’t draw attention to yourself with worried looks. Just talk to a friend that is nearby or slowly walk away like you’ve got some place to be.
  2. Fess up. Explain what happened and that you didn’t mean to grab one of her puppies. If she still doesn’t believe you, insert additional details that will finalize the occurrence. You never know! One day, this could be the “how-we-met” story you tell your future children.

Umbrella Malfunction

The Umbrella Malfunction

The only thing worse than a rainy day is when you also have to drag around an umbrella. We all know there are smaller umbrellas that can fit in your purse or desk, but how efficient are they when the wind turns them inside out? So, after choosing an effective umbrella, you’ve managed to stay dry. On the other hand, you’re now equipped with a potential weapon.

Imagine you are in line at a local coffee shop. Since it’s raining, the soaked non-umbrella users are cramming into the store in need of a warm beverage. Meanwhile, you are squished in between a wet businessman and a mother and child. As you try to adjust your position, you accidently press the release button and your effective yet large umbrella discharges, smacking the child in his face. Now, you’ve gotten everyone’s attention.

How can you get out alive without feeling the wrath of a momma bear?

  1. Try to woo her. Buy the kid a cake pop or biscotti. Chances are he’ll ditch the tears for a sweet treat. Then, buy a drink for the lady. She’s probably heard the kid whine all day, so this really isn’t any different. Adult interaction is what she needs.
  2. Immediately let go of the umbrella and give it a subtle toss forward. After, look as shocked as everyone else in line and begin accusing the businessman for this incident. Through in a line or two about the “poor child” and just kept yelling. The businessman will give in to your words and confess.

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How to Handle Awkward Affairs

Andrew Michaels

Illustrations: Kelsey Sartory

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The Fart n’ Stare

Don’t lie to yourself: If you are a living, breathing human being, you are guilty of executing the fart n’ stare. This act takes place between two or more individuals in a central location, typically tight-quartered, like a line at the movie theater or an elevator.

If you would like, imagine the scenario: You thinking you can get away with a gentle, modest fart—a simple “pfft.” Once released, you subtly look around to see if you were successful in hiding the discharge. If you make awkward eye contact with the surrounding individuals, you’ve lost the battle but won the war. In other words, the fart wasn’t hidden, but you executed the fart n’ stare.

There are really only two ways to go about it.

Take the straightforward approach and acknowledge your fart. Be proud of the fact that you can toot in public and admit to its existence with three words: IT WAS ME!

Force the issue onto another. Look around like you’re trying to find “the person” who could have released such a foul odor in a public place. Usually, this will only work if three or more people are around, but if you’re really embarrassed, it doesn’t hurt to test your skills. Avoid trying to push the stench with your hand. You will be caught.

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The Retracted Wave

When seeing a family member or friend from afar, a wave is often a sign of acknowledgment before further contact. Among acquaintances or random people, the wave can be used as a silent “hello.”

The retracted wave begins when you see an unfamiliar individual waving in your direction. S/he appears to be making eye contact with you, so you wave in return. You might smile as well. Within seconds you realize the waver was actually acknowledging someone behind you and not greeting you.

How do you avoid looking like an ass?

Pull back. Slowly or quickly, whatever your style, place your hand back down by your side. This can look more believable if you pretend to get something out of your pocket with the waved hand.

If you don’t think you’ve got enough time to get your hand all the way down by your side before the waver sees you, use it to slick your hair back. This isn’t exactly subtle, but it sure beats accidently being caught waving to a random person.

photo 3

The Misinterpreted Fist Bump

Depending on your clique, the fist bump may be the handshake you all choose to use. Whether someone said something awesome or you’re saying hello, the fist bump reflects your attitude toward a situation. On the other “hand,” if you use the fist bump outside the group, it may not always go your way.

Let’s say you’re checking out at a grocery store. As you finish paying, the cashier hands you your groceries. While grabbing the bag, you notice his/her hand is in the standard shape of a “pound-it” or fist bump. Although this isn’t a common occurrence, you figure, “Why not?” and proceed to complete the bump.

Is there any way out?

Once the fists have been bumped, there is no turning back.

If you notice a fist bump isn’t the intention before contact, you can go for a more professional form of contact. Shift the situation into the misinterpreted handshake. While it may not be exactly what you hoped for, it’s better than a random fist bump.

Remember: To be awkward is to be human. Embrace it, or avoid it completely.

How to Handle Awkward Affairs was originally published in The Annual #4.

How to Handle Hecklers

Andrew Michaels

If you have ever performed stand-up comedy or attended a comedian’s show, you may be familiar with the term “heckler.” Heckler is a word commonly used to describe a person who harasses or purposefully interrupts another person—in this case, the comedian. Though many comedians have perfected the art of handling hecklers, others still give in to the disruption.

In 2006, a disturbing heckling incident occurred at the Laugh Factory in West Hollywood. Michael Richards, best known as Cosmo Kramer from Seinfeld, grew frustrated with an African-American heckler in the audience. Reaching his boiling point, Richards lashed out at the man, using coarse language and derogatory words. Audience members proceeded to leave the show, disgusted with Richards’ actions. The actor/comedian’s reputation has fallen significantly since the incident.

While I understand the annoyance a comedian experiences with hecklers, there are better, more professional ways to handle the situation if it should arise.

First of all, be sure to maintain your composure at all costs. Regardless of what the heckler says, you must realize that others are actually interested in your comedic performance. Just because one person is interrupting you does not mean it should affect your stand-up. By keeping your cool, you display a professional appearance and show the heckler that he/she will not change your routine.

Another suggestion is to listen and politely respond to the heckler. Let them know you are aware of what he/she is doing and that it does not bother you. If you find that you can reply to his/her comments, do so, but be respectful. From time to time, good comedy can appear out of thin air, even if it comes from riffing off of a heckler. By properly surviving a heckling, comedians stay in control and continue to entertain their audience.

For more tips on how to handle hecklers, visit comedian Ben Rosenfeld’s blog.

How to Handle Hecklers originally appeared in The Annual #003! Purchase your copy today!