Tag Archives: Humor Magazine

A Brief Return to Print

Annual 12 Cover

We’ve been on a bit of a hiatus lately with irregular updates, postings and quarterly magazines. Luckily we were putting the hiatus to good use by preparing our first of four final print issues. That’s right, final. It’s not financially feasible for us to constantly tear down a small forest to produce print editions of The Annual. We are prepared to produce years of comedy for your eyes to consume, but we want to close out the print chapter on our own terms and that begins here and now. We’ve ordered a very limited run of The Annual #12, on May 15th copies will be shipped out to subscribers and on May 17th copies will be available to attendees at The Last Hurrah, and the remaining issues will be sold on our web store starting Monday May 18th.

You won’t want to miss this issue, it’s got interviews with Rich Fulcher, Nick Vatterott and an in depth look into what really happened to Andy Kaufman. Not to mention, lost invites from the Secret Service and an examination of Black Superheroes (or the lack thereof).

There are great things on the horizon, with regular original content returning this Monday, because The Annual will always be here to provide humor more than once a year.

-Kevin Cole

Editor-In-Chief

Synopsis of The New Pixar Movie

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Matt Lee

A French actress, a frog and a demon walk into a bar. The bar is a strip club. The strippers are dead fish. The French actress punches herself in the nose and orders 15 glasses of the good stuff. The bartender is playing some violent video game and not paying attention at all. The demon is speaking Latin or something. The frog, he’s just hoppin’ around, not a care in the world. The ladies love the nonchalant frog. Some Japanese businessmen are in a corner booth stuffing dollar bills into dead fish g-strings. The frog gets too drunk and falls over the bar, knocking into the shelf with all the bottles. Everyone in the bar gets down on the ground and starts licking up spilled spirits. The bartender is having difficulty defeating the Level Four boss. The French actress asks for a light. The whole bar goes up in flames. The frog’s stomach bursts from the heat. The dead fish smell good. The Japanese businessmen summon several different parts, which assemble into a giant fighting robot. The robot is fighting the fire. He’s just punching and smashing the hell out of it. The Japanese businessmen are cheering, even though they’re on fire. The bartender finally manages to beat the Level Four boss as the TV melts into a puddle of plastic and glass. A priest, a rabbi and a black guy burst in. They’re each dual-wielding fire extinguishers. The fire is subdued in no time. The bartender buys a round of drinks for everybody. The frog is trying to scoop his guts back into his open belly. The giant fighting robot is way too drunk. He pukes on the dead fish and takes his pants off before he passes out. Buzz Lightyear flies in through the window with a raging erection. He cock-slaps the demon. A portal to hell opens and Buzz Lightyear puts his boner into the inferno. He takes a leak and extinguishes all the hellfire. The demon is pissed, but he admits that was pretty cool. Rapturous applause from all followed by more drinks. The priest, rabbi and black guy officiate the same sex marriage of Buzz Lightyear and the giant fighting robot. The bartender cries. Roll credits.

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Emily Heller

The Annual has been fortunate enough to consistently feature interviews with such tremendous contemporary talent, not to mention content from a truly exceptional staff. And our audience isn’t wide, which means you are reading, quite possibly, the most “indie” humor magazine in existence. Allow us to further illustrate this fact; In July of 2014, Vice  released an interview where they asked Ron Funches what happens after death. We featured an interview with Funches asking the same question, in September of 2013. Of course, this is not to imply that Vice has any awareness of The Annual. To the contrary, we are small and we do some pretty cool things. Hopefully you’ll find the following to be just as cool: an exchange of words with stand up comic and host of The Future with Emily Heller

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[Sometimes it is difficult to come up with an adequate introduction for someone so pleasant.]

David Luna: What was your earliest memory?

Emily Heller: I think my oldest memory was just sitting in the dining room of my house I grew up in at a little kid table, looking over and seeing my mom on the phone.

DL: Would you consider yourself a feminist?

EH: I do consider myself a feminist.

DL: When did you first start to have an understanding that there really isn’t equality between the sexes?

EH: Pretty young. My mom subscribed me to a feminist magazine for young girls called New Moon when I was in third or fourth grade. There was a section in the magazine called “How Aggravating” where people could write in and tell stories of things that happened to them that frustrated them, and a lot of them were just stories of young misogyny, basically. For some reason that was always my favorite section, because it did make me really mad.

DL: Were you ever bullied as a kid, or were you ever a bully yourself?

EH: I probably was more of a bully than I thought I was. That “30 Rock” episode where Liz Lemon goes to her high school reunion, thinking these were the people that terrorized me in high school, and she gets there and realizes that she was the one who was terrorizing them—I’m always afraid that that would be me.

I was very mean to some of my close friends when I was younger. I was never really bullied. I was definitely excluded a lot, and that had a big impact on me, but no one ever did anything truly awful to me. I probably deserved to be excluded to a certain extent. It sort of forced me to figure out what I was doing wrong. A lot of times people are excluded for the wrong reasons, but I think I was kind of an unpleasant person to be around for a long time. It’s probably why I became a funny, to try to keep people around me.

Make some people feel good and make positive change.

Continue reading Emily Heller

Tracking Black Mirror’s Thematic Similarities

Kevin Cole

[This article contains spoilers]

The BBC’s Black Mirror is said to be a modern-day Twilight Zone. The show’s creator, Charlie Brooker, describes it as such: “Each episode has a different cast, a different setting, even a different reality. But they’re all about the way we live now–and the way we might be living in 10 minutes’ time if we’re clumsy.” In the majority of episodes, characters deal with incredible advancements in technology with the same casualty that we handle cell phones. This technology ranges from the ability to record life through our own eyes to simulations that enable us to seemingly bring the dead back to life. With these advances, Brooker asks, “If technology is a drug–and it does feel like a drug–then what, precisely, are the side-effects?” Within the seven existing episodes he takes a clear stance on where our collective addiction to technology might lead.

Series 1 Episode 1: The National Anthem

In this political thriller, the Prime Minister learns that the Duchess has been kidnapped and the only way to ensure her safe return is to have sexual intercourse with a pig. Initially, the PM attempts to keep the threat on the down-low, but the ransom video has already leaked to Youtube, and before parliament can remove it, it is downloaded hundreds of time. He blocks the press from covering the story until the pressure from an increasing vocal viewership forces them to provide 24 hour coverage of the Duchess’ kidnapping and the PM’s struggle to fuck a pig. In the end the Prime Minister has no other choice and with the entire population of United Kingdom watching in shock for nearly two hours he fucks a pig. In the episode’s shocking twist, the Duchess was freed an hour before the PM inserted himself into a hog, but no one noticed. A nation can get swept up in a trivial event, forgetting the most important matters at hand.

Series 1 Episode 2: Fifteen Million Merits

Set in a dystopian future, one man (Bing) finds love with a girl (Abi) who works across from him, pedaling exercise bikes to generate electricity and merits (a futuristic form of currency). After discovering her hidden passion for music, he purchases a ticket to audition for the future’s most popular reality/talent competition, a ticket that costs 15 million merits. The two then connect in ways long forgotten in this dystopian future where the two major exports seem to be elliptical based energy and pornography. This poses a problem as Abi auditions for the show and is then pressured by one of the talent judges and the audience to join his famed pornography wing. Bing, heartbroken and furious, works day and night to raise another 15 million merits so that he can appear on show, but when he finally does he smuggles in a little surprise. In front of the judges, Bing pulls out a small teacup pig (the last of its kind) and fucks it for all the world to see, all to show Abi that he would do anything for her.

Series 1 Episode 3: The Entire History Of You

Set in an alternate dystopian future, everyone has a small chip inserted behind their ears. These chips enable everyone to record life through their own eyes and then play back experiences for their own enjoyment/assessment. This process is know as a “re-do.” In this episode, Liam Foxwell, a young lawyer, returns home from a business trip to find his wife entertaining guests. During the party he grows suspicious of his wife’s relationship with an old friend, and the following day, Liam drunkenly sets out to confront him. The man has no scandalous memories of Liam’s wife, but suggests that a pig on the neighbor’s farm might know more. Infuriated, Liam returns home and forces his wife to re-do her experience with the pig. On their luxurious television he watches as she fucks the pig, and following some simple math, Liam realizes that the baby he had presumed to be his own is actually a half-human half-pig hybrid. So distraught over what has happened, the wife takes the child and leaves, while Liam, try as he might, can’t re-do a single memory of his wife without experiencing the pain of seeing her fuck a pig.

Series 2 Episode 1: Be Right Back

Set in a dystopian future, a young painter loses her internet-addicted husband to a car accident. Shortly afterwards, a friend turns her on to a program that will simulate her husband and enable her to participate in simulated communications with him from beyond the grave. As the technology grows more and more life-like the program suggests an expensive, experimental addition to the technology. Without hesitation she sends away for the new product which arrives just weeks later in a heavy crate. Inside is a pig with a phone taped to its forehead. The phone is set to speaker, and it emits her husband’s voice. It’s not quite perfect, but it’ll do. She fucks the pig, as it emits sounds only her late husband could make. It’s just like love, but you have to fuck a pig a reach it.

Series 2 Episode 2: White Bear

Set in a dystopian future, a woman awakens with no memories. Stumbling into town, she finds herself surrounded by people who won’t speak to her, until she finds herself at the other end of a shotgun. Making a run for it, she meets up with a pair of rebels to describe a world taken over by corrupt transmission spanning cell and television signals. They set out to destroy the transmitter before they are captured by one of the anarchists controlling the signal. He ties them up and takes them deep into the woods where he begins to torture them until he is stopped just before killing them. In the background of this scene a man can be seen fucking a pig.

Series 2 Episode 3: The Waldo Moment

This is perhaps the most underwhelming episode of the series, but I’m not here to review. I’m here to point out that exactly 35 minutes and 19 seconds into this episode, a blue cartoon bear fucks a pig and proclaims that the government is a sham and that all politicians are liars. The screen goes black for the remaining ten minutes of the episode, creating its own Black Mirror.

Christmas Special: Black Mirror White Christmas

Charlie Brooker’s demented vision for Black Mirror reaches its apex with an episode that redefines what is apparently acceptable to air on the BBC. This 90-minute special is nothing but Jon Hamm reciting lines from Mad Men while fucking a pig as N*Sync’s “Merry Christmas” plays on a loop. It is a waking nightmare and a powerful metaphor for the commercialization of Christmas.

Charlie Brooker announced there will be a third series of Black Mirror. No word on his plans to integrate the show’s three themes–darkness, technology and pig-fuckery–but if the first and second series are any indication, it’s not to be missed.

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I Thought I Wrote A Real Headline But It Only Met Upworthy’s Standards

Kevin Cole

Many of us are familiar with Upworthy, the godforsaken venue that provides uplifting videos, pictures and GIF sets shared all over Facebook by everyone you could ever hope to never casually run into again. Here is a list of classic Upworthy headlines. Don’t worry about what lies beyond the clicks—they’re self-explanatory.

  • I Thought I was Watching One Thing But It Turned Out To Be Something Completely Different
  • This Made Me Sad But The Reason Why Will Surprise You
  • I Never Believed in Justifiable Murder, But This Story Changed My Mind
  • Just When I Thought There Was No God, This Video Changed Everything
  • Here’s A Picture Followed By Another Picture But What Comes Third Will Really Knock Your Socks Off
  • OK, This Headline Seems Racist But Here’s A Video That Explains What I Really Mean
  • No One Knows Who Made This Kid The President But His Views Will Delight You
  • Racial Bias Doesn’t Get Much Clearer Than This Picture That Actually Uses Words To Get Its Meaning Across
  • Do You Know Your Expiration Date? I Do, And Now I Just Sit Around Waiting For The Cold Sting Of Death
  • The One GIF That Finally Sums Up The Meaning Of Life You Thought College Was Hard But The Plight Of This Homeless Man Will Change Your Mind
  • This Celebrity Understands Life Is Hard For Everyone And Will Gladly Talk To You About It
  • We Couldn’t Embed The Original Video We Wanted To Show You So We Made A Bunch Of GIFs Featuring Our Favorite Parts
  • He Smoked Candy Cigarettes For A Year But It’s What He Says About E-Cigs That Will Change Your Life Forever

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Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

It’s me, again. It has been 15 years since my last entry. What’s been going on, you ask? Well, since I am now 23, puberty was a big change. But I don’t need to bore you with those hairy details. I’d have to say that the biggest development is my relationship status. I’ve got a girlfriend! I know what you’re thinking: “What about those descriptive entries that clearly pointed to some bi-curious tendencies?” I’m just going to blame that on the heated Twister match with my cousin. Anyway, she’s finally met my mom and dad for the first time and, boy, was it a doozy.

Dinner was okay. We went to a nice restaurant with great food. But it got a little weird when my mom kept saying she was going to steal the saltshakers while my dad ordered a drink called a Bikini Martini. I had no problem with that…until he started talking about wearing a bikini.

Later, we went back to our house and my girlfriend told me she really wanted to play a game called “Cards Against Humanity.” In case you don’t know, it’s basically a perverted version of “Apples to Apples,” involving white cards with a noun that must be matched with black cards that are either fill-in-the-blank statements or questions. Without much thought, I agreed.

At the beginning, our cards mainly consisted of curse words, which didn’t really bother me since my mom says them all the time. However, just like that Twister game, things got erotic pretty quickly. I picked a black card that asked, “How did my last relationship end?” Without hesitation, Mom slapped down her white card: Micropenis.

Mom implied that I had a MICROPENIS IN FRONT OF MY GIRLFRIEND! WHAT’S UP WITH THAT? I tried to quickly move on as it was now my girlfriend’s turn. Her card read, “__________ leads to _________.” And, just like Mom, Dad slapped down his two cards: Road head AND friendly fire. I mean, C’MON! ROAD HEAD leads to FRIENDLY FIRE?!

I guess it wasn’t a complete disaster because my girlfriend still kissed me goodnight as I dropped her off at home, ending the conversation with an “I love you.” All I gotta say is that if my crazy family didn’t faze her one bit, I’ve got one hell of a girl on my hands. Talk to ya later, Diary.

                                    Andrew Michaels

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