WASHINGTON (AP) – Hillary Clinton secured a historic, landslide win in the California primary today. As of 9:35am EST (6:35 am PST) an Associated Press count declared her to be the winner in the state, contrary to polls placing her neck and neck with rival Bernie Sanders.
With 0% of precincts reporting and 14 hours before they close, Clinton has secured the majority of votes within the state. In finding these results, the AP’s top counters intercepted thousands of early voter and absentee ballots, nearly all of which were in support of Hillary.
“It’s almost embarrassing, Bernie Sanders had maybe 4 votes total” remarked one counter. While our counters are unable to confirm the identity of these Sanders supporters, it is believed that they are Dick Van Dyke, Susan Sarandon, Danny DeVito and James Adomian.
With this landslide win under her belt, the Associated Press is proud to be the first media outlet to declare Hillary Clinton the be the presumptive winner of the 2016 election and our nation’s next president. We look forward to receiving our Pulitzer.
Across the internet, the rallying cry of a generation has emerged: MAKE IT GAYER! they shout, from #GiveElsaAGirlfriend to #GiveCaptainAmericaABoyfriend it’s time that these characters hook-up with someone of the same gender identity. Representation is important, but why must that it be limited to the purely fictional. What we need is homosexual representation in the real world, which is why it’s the perfect time to #GiveHillaryAGirlfriend.
What more inspiring visage for LGBTQ youth could their be than to pair our first female president with a first lady? Up until now, Hillary Clinton hasn’t seen much viral success, but with #GiveHillaryAGirlfried she could become an internet sensation, giving her the strength to break away from Donald Trump as they grow closer in the polls.
Of course, there will be plenty of naysayers, those who believe Hillary should stick to political canon which dictates that she has been a lifelong heterosexual, married to former President Bill Clinton since 1975. However, even Hillary was canonically opposed to same-sex marriage until 2013. Perhaps as characters grow, they can have a change of heart and given the fluid nature of sexuality it is entirely possible that she could find herself attracted to someone of the same gender. Bill was a great addition to the Hillary Clinton saga, he added an incredible dramatic plot line in the late 90s, but it’s time to retire the character for something hotter. If the polls reflect that the people really want to #GiveHillaryAGirlfriend then perhaps that will nudge her in the right direction, as it has on so many other important issues. It’s time that we unite as a party and proclaim “I’m with her and also her!”