Fireworks weren’t the only thing banging last nigh, and statistically someone reading this has to be pregnant so consider this your one-stop-shop for baby names!
- L’il Spark, or Sparky….Cuz everyone knows that if a spark from a firework lands on you, you get pregnant.
- Baker, for the park in which they were conceived.
- “America”…after the beer that inspired the conception
- Katy Perry, as inspired by firework
- George Washington
–Lisa Burl, Isabel Duarte, Giovanni Kavota,
Lydia Hadfield, Emily Perper, T.M. Scholtes
- Under the bed
- Under the covers
- In the basement
- Your boss’s skirt
- Bagpipe bag
- In a bush
- In a purse
- Chewing/ripping all the stuffing out of the couch cushion and wearing it like an animal skin
- Turning fear into aggression as he chases the neighborhood kids.
- His personal flashbacks of Vietnam
- FBI witness protection program
- Bomb shelter you didn’t know he made
- In your cornhole (the game, of course)
–Lisa Burl, Isabel Duarte, James McGarvey, T.M. Scholtes,
The Tiger Blood Bomber
An authentic Tiger Blood Bomber can be hard to find but really packs a punch. Only produced in 2010 during pop culture’s “Charlie Sheen Breakdown” these rare, cocaine infused fireworks are capable of destroying entire TV shows. Launch one of these within an earshot of a Bachelorette taping and watch the whole thing collapse from within.
North Korean Sparklers
Here’s a firework with the potential to do some serious damage. These 1/5 scale replicas of an atomic bomb are a pretty common find at your average roadside fireworks stand and they promise an impressive display of carnage. Unfortunately, in field tests they would rarely launch higher than ten feet before exploding, so be prepared for an upclose experience!
Small, silent and wirelessly controlled, what more could you ask for? The Drone Strike is world’s quietest firework, capable of reaching heights averaging 78 feet in less than 5 seconds, no one will even know you set off this firework until the earshattering BOOM! For added effect, launch a few outside of Independence Day.
This is a bit of a black-market buy but a timeless classic that’s sure to make you the hit of the party! You know that angsty teen who always lurks around in the woods near your house with a copy of The Anarchist’s Cookbook? Toss him a few bucks and we guarantee he’ll provide one of these bad boys, if he’s a real anarchist he’ll do it for free!
Living in a quiet neighborhood this Fourth of July? Really shake things up with the Riot Starter! This device is a one firework finale. Capable to sustaining a series of blasts for 5 straight minutes, it’s sure to get the neighbors out of their homes just to see what the hell is going on. Once they see you with a line of riot starters, punches will be thrown and before you know it the whole neighborhood will go up in flames, all so you could have a little fun.
Hurricane season has begun and unfortunately, the first hurricane of the year has chosen America’s birthday to strike the coast. This has left many on the East Coast wondering what to do in the event that Arthur impedes on their holiday plans. It would be simply unamerican to reschedule, so here’s a convenient guide to enjoying the fourth amidst inclement weather:
It’s awfully hard to keep a grill lit during a torrential downpour so take those burgers inside, put that fireplace to use during the summer. If you don’t have a propane fireplace you’ll want to keep some dry firewood handy. Then, simply wrap your patties around a meat skewer and roast away, it’ll feel like summer camp, only you’ll be inside. This is also an effective way to keep your house well lit in the event of a power outage.
FOURTH OF JULY PARADES:
It’s more than likely that your town may cancel their Independence Day Parade due to the safety concerns but with the World Wide Web it’s easier than ever to live stream distant parades. We recommend this border cam
where you can view hundreds of Americans and Non-Americans parading across the border, just as our founding fathers did a little over 234 years ago.
During a hurricane nature provides its own natural form of fireworks. Venture out into the dark of night, picnic blanket in tow, and set up shop underneath a nice tall tree. The fresh summer leaves will keep you dry as the storm rages around you. Now, sit back and enjoy lighting strikes in the distance, each bolt is a firework from God’s personal connection, and just wait for finale!