Fellow Americans, who among you has not grown annoyed with Donald Trump’s obnoxious face? It is clogging our newsfeeds, strangely overlapping between politics and entertainment, being the volatile combination of largely relevant and polarizing at the same time; I have compiled a list of tactics for us to wage wide-scale individual warfare against this unexpected cultural political force. Read on, brothers and others:
WHAT CAN WE DO?
It has been said by so many that if you put something into the universe, it is that much closer to being realized. There is weight to the notion that you can speak something into being. Personally, I have heard a number of accounts of this happening with an effect that is nothing less than magic. A woman I know wanted a purse, not just any purse, a beautiful coach bag (as women are wont to want). Because she couldn’t afford it, she put it into the universe. She wanted that bag and let the universe know. Less than a month later, her employer gave her the exact bag as a gift!
Most recently, I met a woman who spoke of wanting tickets to the wildly successful Broadway hit Hamilton. (YOU AND ME BOTH, RIGHT SISTER??) She was advised by her guru (who I was told is based on Arizona) to put her desires out into the universe. In a similar fashion to the previous woman, less than a month after speaking this want, a friend whom she had not seen in over a year, who happened to be well connected in the business, gave her not one, but FOUR TICKETS TO HAMILTON. ESSENTIALLY, TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS.
With the sort of turn-over rate of less than a month, if enough of us put forth the desire to get rid of Trump, he can be gone by bathing suit season. Although, there does seem to be a trend of helpfulness by having connections to the people who have the things that you want. So, while a great number of us can do it, all we really need is one person on our side who is well acquainted with Her Majesty, Death Herself, to make it happen.
Much can be said for the efficacy of inflicting damage by channeling feelings into a different object than the object of your scorn. Like the time in middle school I punched a pillow with all of my might because my ex-best friend, Deborah took my gel pens (it is worth noting her face happened to be on the other side of the pillow.)
I did get those pens back. Thank you for asking.
The most organized way to coordinate this effort of diverted aggression is to have everyone inflict their wrath of the same sort of medium. Now, we can’t very well all go to the same place to enact change. Who can deal with those kinds of crowds? Ick. Now, I’m not terribly familiar with voodoo, but I do know how the dolls work. The instructions are below:
A) Take any base material you prefer. That being said, I would never want to encourage wasting any sort of precious material on this exercise. I recommend just going ahead and using a piece of shit. Animal or human is totally fine- it just needs to be firm enough to handle while still pliable.
B) Attach googly eyes to the shit. (Available at your local craft store or a random drawer in your mom’s house.)
C) Set your doll up in a space to complete the exercise. You could do this on the floor, or using a standing desk- whatever you feel is best for your back.
D) Once it’s all set up, stare at it.
E) Stare it right in the goddamn googly eyes.
F) Continue staring and begin seething. Seethe with rage at the thought of Trump stealing your freedom, like Deborah, that pen-thieving whore.
G) Once you’ve hit a plateau of indignant frothy rage, scream at the doll. Say, “GO AWAY, TRUMP”. Feel free to take creative liberties with emphasis and elongating vowels. You will want to repeat this three times for good measure; five, if you aren’t in a hurry.
H) Kick the doll. Kick that shit clear across the room. This may prove difficult if you’ve chosen a higher, back-friendly work option for your work station. But, you’re a champion of justice now, and you will make it work.
Hopefully, this widespread practice will strike an unknown terror into the hole where Donald Trump’s heart should be, and he will in fact, go away.
Be as dismissive as humanly possible:
Everyone knows that the best way to deal with someone so obviously desperate for attention and adoration is to ignore them until their own self-conciousness eats them alive. Unfortunately, this will be difficult to do, as Trump has proven a mastery of garnering attention. So, we must do the next best thing, and entirely minimize everything he says and does. “Trump? That guy?? What a clown!!” Much like that.
Make sure to put as much effort as possible into reducing breath spent discussing his platforms. Really push the baby hands. The important thing about this is to focus ridicule where it really hurts, like his physical appearance and demeanor. It’s just like high school. It doesn’t actually matter how dangerous anyone has the potential of being, as long as the general population acknowledges they’re a stupid ugly jerk face.
Remember: laughter is the best medicine. A real doctor said that, whom I’m sure saved many lives through the practice of laughing away terminal illness. Do the same and use laughter to cure the disease of Donald Trump’s stupid Silly-Putty Dorito face.
Here’s the bottom line:
At this dire juncture in the course of American politics, our strongest weapon we have is to muster all of the strength we have to resist someone so deeply off-putting. (How embarrassing would he be for America, right?) SAY IT, SEE IT, BELIEVE IT, ACHIEVE IT- Get Trump out of our trending subjects.
**PS: I TOO WOULD LIKE TO GO SEE HAMILTON. THANKS IN ADVANCE UNIVERSE