Non-founder of The Trump Organization, Donald Trump, made waves this week when outed President Barack Obama as the founder of ISIS. Many are considering this to be an unfortunate gaffe but in reality President Obama is just one name in a long list of lesser known founders of famous organizations, here a few more notable
Starbucks founded by Ben Franklin
“Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee” is perhaps Ben Franklin’s most quoted phrase. Often recited to French prostitutes following his famed sex-capades, Franklin was a notorious coffee-addict. During a binge in the streets of Paris, Benjamin Franklin stayed up for five days straight, conceiving a massive chain of coffee shops so that he would never be unable to find a supplier.
Hoover Vacuums founded by J. Edgar Hoover
As the head of the FBI, J. Edgar Hoover was always vigilant for ways to listen to other’s conversations. Throughout his career he made an art out of spying on anyone from suspected hollywood communists to Martin Luther King Jr. but the man with his own secrets had a need for privacy. Hyper aware that anyone could be listening in as he privately had sex with other men, Hoover created a vacuum company so no one would find it suspicious when he left the noisy cleaning contraption on at late hours of the night.
Amazon.com founded by Sam Walton
Yes, the man who founded both Walmart and Sam’s Club is also responsible for Amazon.com. Shortly before his passing he conceptualized a new form of store, one which would take up little to no retail space but was capable of driving down prices in order to further diminish small businesses. Acknowledging that this new business venture may put him in direct competition with himself, he shrugged it off, citing “I’ll be dead, what do I care?”
The Cheech and Chong Franchise founded by Bill Clinton
Bill never inhaled, but he did commission a series a documentaries to study what might happen if he did. After viewing the films, Clinton decided that zany adventures and joint-powered road trips simply weren’t for him, but he had the movies released across the country so viewers could make up their own minds.
Trump Steaks founded by Donald Trump
Perhaps Donald is so obsessed with unrecognized founders because he is one himself. In 2007, Donald created Trump Steaks as a way to further the Trump brand, but few know that Donald Trump is the Trump behind the famed steaks. In fact, few know about Trump Steaks at all because the venture had a shorter life span than two man terrorist organizations that would go south after one suicide bombing. Sad!
As the skies clear out and summer begins, hundreds of thousands of hot air balloons will take to the skies, but how do we know they can be trusted? Often these colorful contraptions go airborn, piloted by men and women who have not undergone background checks and the passengers? forget it. There are no air balloon marshals, no air balloon security checks, no system to prevent balloon highjackings, no way to know if the ballooners are already highjackers. Ballooning is a lawless occupation.
This balloon has been floating above a New Jersey suburb for the past two days. At heights of nearly 2000 feet, it’s impossible for those on the ground to see who’s piloting the hot air balloon, let alone whether or not the pilot has a bomb strapped to their chest. Given the speed at which it has been traveling, it will be another three days before we know whether this balloon is headed for New York City. If it manages to travel that far without being shot down by the air force it could cause mass casualties, gently colliding with a sky scraper, slowly descending and smothering the civilians on the street below.
Just how many balloonists are under ISIS control? At this very moment, balloons have been sighted in the national mall and on the outskirts of many national parks. Their colorful exteriors providing a pleasant distraction from the potential terror cell in the basket below. We can no longer look upon these balloons with joy, as Americans we must begin to question their origins. God forbid the Islamic State graduate to using our blimps or even worse… building their own zeppelins.
I lack an eidetic memory, so in order transcribe these phone call interviews I must record them through an app on my Apple product. My laughter was present throughout 80% of the conversation, because this man understands absurdity. The fact that the recording was audible despite my perpetual cackles and sniggers is nothing short of a miracle. In fact, the man I inter- viewed is a miracle. You probably know him from British television or from all the times your
keys and wallet go missing.
What is your earliest memory?
Oh, God. I remember somehow being in trouble, and I was told to go in my crib, or playpen (is that was they call it)? Apparently, I rode my tricycle off the base where we had just moved because I was so excited that it was flat, so I went all the way to the main gate, and security picked me up and they drove me back. We were moving at the time, so my parents sort of lost track of me, but I just kept going on my trike, and I think I was relegated to my room for a while.
So you were a military brat?
Air Force brat, yeah. Get it straight.
Did you have to make friends over and over? What was that like?
A lot of entertainers are military brats because they have to adjust. You either, like, withdraw into a shell, get beat up or become a bully, or you try and adjust as quickly as you can. I always felt sick to my stomach whenever I went to a new school, and I would try to be a bit goofy. It would depend on the class, but I would either be a class clown or a, you know, a goofball. You know. You know how it is. I think the same thing happened with Louis Anderson.
[Laughs] No, I don’t know, I just said that randomly. Jim Morrison was a military brat.
Do you feel any sort of extra patriotism? Do you feel connected to the structure of our country because of your upbringing? Or –
I looove the structure of the US. It’s sooo well put together.
I mean more like the system. Do you care about elections and politicians?
You know, actually, I’m really into politics. A lot of it is just because I like to hear arguing. I love good arguments and debates, so I’ll watch like MSNBC and stuff all the time. It’s sort of like sports for me. But as far as being extra patriotic, I used to be more like that and then I just sort of became a little less… crazy.
When you go overseas you realize the good things and the not so good things about the U.S.
What are some of the not-so-good things that you’ve realized?
Well, it’s still a really young country, so it’s still a little uptight. It’s still a little up its own bum. It’s a bit puritanical. Anything sexual comes out in a weird way because it’s sort of repressed, so whenever you repress it in one way it comes out, like, bestiality. It’s not just treated as a normal thing. Like a country that’s been around for a thousand years has a different sort of attitude about stuff like that. But the good thing about the U.S. is it’s always changing and it’s always innovating, so you can never be bored.
If you want to be a ghost, you be a ghost.
Put yourself on the web.
If you want to do porno, you can.
Of course. Do you have any religious beliefs?
Do I? Not really. I think you die and dissolve somewhere.
Like oblivion or an eternal nothingness?
I think you go into like a big bucket of borscht, and everybody is cooked in it, and then it’s periodically poured onto the Earth, mostly through Russia and parts of Lithuania. No, I’m not even going, “Just in case, I’ll believe.” It’s like I’ve sort of lost that energy. Like “Ugh. I don’t see much proof of this.”
Some people aren’t easy to get along with or worth knowing. Some people are complete dullards, trudg- ing through life without any sense of ambition or creative ability. Some people are just unpleasant and boring as all hell. The person I spoke to over the phone on October 4th, 2014 is not some people. He is kind, he is smart, he is important. He is…
What is your earliest memory?
I must have been three years old. I think it was the first time I ever saw snow or something like that, and I ran outside in my pajamas and started running in the snow.
That’s actually really delightful. Would you say that reflects your day-to-day character? Are you joyful all the time, running into new situations with excitement?
I think I’m always interested in running into the snow. I’m always interested in running into whatever. “What is this thing over here? What is this? Let’s try this out.” And a lot of the times I’m not always prepared for it. I’m just in my pajamas, and I probably should have done more homework.
When you were 10 years old, what did you see yourself doing as an adult?
Having a beard. I didn’t really know. I still cannot grow one, so that’s never gonna happen. I think I wanted to be a Nintendo programmer at that point and a professional basketball player shortly after that. In fifth grade I had to fill out a “what do you want to be when you grow up?” [questionnaire], and I wrote on this thing, “stand-up comedian”. Years after I went away from that, and then eventually came back to it. But I always loved comedy. I didn’t understand why people weren’t watching comedy all the time.
What got you started with Second City and doing improv in general?
The first real comedy thing I did was an improv group in college. A buddy of mine was approached to start an improv group at the University of Missouri. He asked me to be a part of it, and then I wrote a humor column for the newspaper at that time. Those were the only two things I wasn’t doing terribly at the university. Second City had come through our town, and I had tried an amateur stand-up contest at the local comedy club, and I had visited Chicago, and I was like, “I gotta get out of college. I gotta do something. Let me just go to Chicago and just try this, see what happens and then take it from there, regardless of what happens.”
People had always been like, “You should do stand-up.” Even at parties, they would be like, “Oh, you’re like a funny guy. You’re like, really funny. You should do something with that.” And I’m like, “Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever. I should also be Michael Jordan too, right?” And they’re like, “NO!” [laughs maniacally]
How often do you write?
When I moved to Chicago I’d go up and do five minutes, and I realized that a lot of the same people were there the following week. This is how I know all those guys: Hannibal [Buress], and Kumail [Nanjiani], and Pete Holmes, and [Kyle] Kinane, and a million other people that are just super awesome and influential. I felt I couldn’t do the same material in front of all those guys as I just did the week before. You’ve got to know your audience. If your audience knows your material, there’s nothing in it for them. And I’m talking about The Lion’s Den, the one specific show every Monday night. I felt I could use every other open mic and every other show the rest of the week to work on material, but for that Monday night show I tried to do five new minutes every week. And I did that for years.
Then I got hired on a cruise ship and I was gone for four months, so for the first time since I started comedy I didn’t write five new minutes every week because I didn’t have an outlet to perform them. I started moving and traveling more, and then I started focusing my writing on more scripts, sketches and working on various other projects. Some weeks are just more than others, how motivated can you get that particular week. But I feel rhythm is like the biggest thing. It was because I was in a rhythm of writing five new minutes every week, that’s why that happened. Once you break that rhythm, it’s really hard to get that momentum going again.
In 2011 you won the Andy Kaufman Award. It’s my understanding that those who win the award get to spend five nights with Andy at his mansion in Bavaria, where he has been living in secret for all these years. What was that like?
It’s great. You get to go to Bavaria, but you never get to actually meet Andy. He’s always wearing a completely full blue body suit, and he’s generally underwater the whole time. I had dinner with him as he sat in the aquarium at the far end of the table. We had lunch while he was at the bottom of the swimming pool—he’s got some sort of oxygen device.
Do you think he’s actually alive still? Did you read about Bob Zmuda and his new book?
It’s more fun to believe that he is. It’s more fun to believe in Santa Claus than to not. If he’s alive, I think this is the year that he reveals himself and he comes out and he tells everybody that he was Bob Zmuda the whole time.
Let’s transition to some sports talk.
How do you think ISIS will do over these next few months, and how will they affect the other global players?
I get that they’re in a building year, this year. They’re in a transition year. I think they’re more into—I don’t know. They don’t have their priorities correct, you know? To be perfectly honest, their uniforms are garbage. They’re not very good for running around in and kicking and throwing and jumping and running. They’re very restraining. They’re gonna get caught on a lot of things, and I just think they really need to rethink their entire uniform if they want to have a chance to get any sort of athletic achievement.
Do you think there will ever be an event that ushers in an era of peace or even a gradual transition to global tranquility, or will we always be hungry for war?
It’s funny how like ISIS is so bad, but al-Qaeda is against them. We are actually on the same side with al-Qaeda, as far as our perception of ISIS goes. Hitler united a lot of the world just because people were united against him. Sadly, it’s almost like there needs to be some sort of terrible thing that the world that unites against. I think alien invasion is gonna do it. I think aliens are gonna invade, and finally we’ll get together with everybody else and be like, “We gotta beat these aliens. Oil? That doesn’t matter, the aliens drank it all, so now we have nothing to fight about.” We unite against the aliens, and then all the leaders unite and say, “It’s all peace and we have ice cream forever.”
Do you have any major aspirations unrelated to comedy or entertainment?
I would like to do something good. Comedy is a constant set of frustrations. If you’re not happy when you’re poor and at an open mic, then you’re not gonna be happy when you’re rich and doing arenas. That is sort of like the number one lesson. Every time you get to a next tier, it’s just a new set of frustrations. At an open mic you just wish you could do shows. As soon as you start doing shows, then you’re like, “Well, this is frustrating. I’m not really getting paid to do it.” And then you start getting paid to do a club: “Yeah, this is frustrating, I’m not really headlining. I wish I was headlining.” Then you start headlining and then you’re like, “Well, this is frustrating, the club keeps telling me that I’m not a draw the whole time, and they won’t book me back because I’m not a draw.” And then you’re finally a draw, and then you’re like, “Well, now people just keep bugging me on the fucking street. They yell my catchphrase at me the whole time I do my show.”
In one year I saw Bill Cosby and Dave Chappelle. I saw them within a month of each other, and they both got heckled. It’s like, “Wow, it never ends.” I think at one point, you’re just like, “I should go to Africa and dig wells. I should try to fix the homeless situation in at least one city and give people the medicine they need.” I think I have an odd-wired brain, and if it was wired one way different, I’d be the homeless guy trying to play cards with pigeons on the corner. There’s a pill that guy can take that will make him think normal again. To me I almost feel like that’s more rewarding than the low points of comedy.
Also: Professional space-jumper. If I could just jump from space into Earth and get paid for that some how, that could definitely be dope.
If money were no limitation, what would you be doing right now? I would just guess space-jumping.
Space-jumping, yeah. I wanna get paid for that. I would only do it if I get paid, you know?
I’d probably spend more time with my family, as lame is that sounds. I’d fly them out more; I’d fly home more often. It’s unfortunate that money is a factor to that.
I think rocket-pack around Tokyo. I would love to build a giant Godzilla, and then I’d love to rocket-pack defeat him and then just be a hero. I think more outlandish, month-long pranks where no one really knows what happened. More alien sightings, Bigfoot sightings. I just want to mess with everybody’s minds. I think that would be very entertaining.
I wanna save homeless people. I want to help out those who are unfortunate. And those that are fortunate, I want to take down. With pranks.
What things in life give you the most pleasure?
I’m a sucker for people being good to each other. Like, any video where strangers are good to each other, I’ll sort of get tiny choked up, you know? I’ve just lost so much faith in humanity that when I see it, it’s just a great reminder.
Pinball is my huge thing right now. I’m a pinball addict. There’s a Walking Dead and Great Lebowski pinball machine coming out soon that I’m super excited about. I don’t know if anybody is as excited about it as I am, and I don’t have a lot of people I can talk to about it. There’s something about pinball that just fits with my personality. People are often like, “But you don’t have any control over it.” No, you’re wrong. It’s sort of like chaotic darts. It’s chaos, but you can sort of control the chaos a little bit. You have some say in the chaos. At the end of the day, there are just things that are beyond your control, and it’s just how you adapt. Part of me just loves the idea that everything is just ridiculous and crazy and completely bonkers, and you have some control over it, and, Jesus, when three multi-balls are going on, it’s just bonkers-town.
What is your deepest fear?
My deepest fear is that I didn’t utilize my time for the things that are most important. While I feel that I’m generally, consistently conscious of that and aware of my use of time, I don’t wanna look back and be like, “That was an unimportant thing.” I don’t want to look back and be like, “I spent too much time on Twitter. All that time on Twitter was a phone call I could have made to an old friend. Time I could have used to spend with my loved ones, with my family.”
With the internet you can now have more control of your career by “gaining a following” and all that stuff. I feel like we as comedians, we do a lot of things that we feel are necessary or they’re part of the “do everything we can to make this possible career work.” I feel like a lot of the things that we feel are necessary are actually a distraction. Sometimes I sit there and go, “If I took all the time I’ve spent on writing blogs and podcasts and Twitter and my web page and all that stuff, never spent one second on any of that stuff, how many screenplays would I have done by now?” It’s hard to step back and look at Twitter and be like, “I did a real good Twitter feed.” Even if I don’t sell it, I think I’d have more sense of accomplishment of writing something that’s meaningful, that I think is good work.
You have been given one week left to live. What do you do with your time?
I think I’d take everybody that I want to spend time with on my last week, and we—I think we’d all just jump from space together. I’ve sort of lucked out. When I was working on the cruise ship for Second City—I loved that—I lucked out. I got to go see Stonehenge, the Pyramids, Greece and Rome. I got to see all that stuff. I’m so lucky to have done that. So as far as traveling goes, I feel like I just want to find that one cool place. Maybe we all just go to Chicago, and drink and have fun. I don’t really want an itinerary. I just want to hang out. I do want there to be pinball machines everywhere. I just want to drink and play pinball and hang out with people. I think that’s probably what it would be; I would go to Chicago, I’d try to do shows every night, I’d try to get my favorite performers to play with me, and I think we’d just drink and play pinball the whole time. I’m trying to think of that last moment. I think walking into the lake…see how far I can walk into Lake Michigan. “Goodbye, everyone! I’m going to Canada by way of Lake Michigan!”
Nick Vatterott’s album For Amusement Only is now available on Comedy Central Records. You can learn more about Nick by visiting his website and following him on Twitter @NickVatterott
On this episode of Bernie’s Campfire, Senator Sanders discusses a recent attempt by reporters at a Baltimore Press Conference to overstep their boundaries and pull focus from the task at hand.
Please send any questions you have for Senator Sanders to BerniesCampfire@gmail.com or tweet @SandersCampfire.
In the course of my life I have received many accolades, often resulting from my work as a neurosurgeon, but not many are aware of the MacArthur “Genius Grant” I received due to my work as a historian. After the attacks in Paris, I set to work cataloguing all knowledge pertaining to the elusive terrorist group known as ISIS, information I will gladly share with the President should he decide to show a serious interest in foreign policy.
ISIS came to prominence in the American Midwest in 1997. It was comprised of Aaron Turner, Jeff Caxide, Chris Mereschuk and Aaron Harris, reportedly forming as a result of dissatisfaction with the member’s former organized groups, which my research leads to me to believe was Islam. ISIS gained notoriety amongst underground factions of punks and those who self-identified as hardcore. The group aimed to fight the power to gain power—though it seems they were not moving quick enough for Mereschuk, who mysteriously left the group in 1998.
A year later, the ISIS name would arise again across the sea. It seems Mereschuk was not ready to give up on ISIS. In 1999, Iraq wasn’t on the radar, making it the perfect place to begin his work in seclusion. A small band of ISIS recruits spent their days as simple grain farmers in the Middle East. For those unfamiliar with the terrain, much of the region is comprised of desert landscapes. In many cases the only crop that can grow is Afghan Heroin. This made a grain a valuable cash crop, one this band of farmers used to steadily gain control over the region.
In a move to be perceived as “metal,” ISIS made beheadings a part of its daily routine. They started with goats, and in an attempt to see what they could get away with, bit a bat’s head off on live television. It was gruesome sight. For the sake of decency I’ll skip what they’ve attempted to dismember in recent years, though I would like to note their inability to match my precision with a surgeon’s scalpel.
As social media came into prominence, ISIS used advanced recruiting tactics to rope in a legion of millennials. From memes to .gifs of kittens exploding, it won the hearts of America’s youngest nihilists. ISIS targeted Americans for their strength and reputation as a nation-builder.
With a legion of tech-savvy teens in tow, ISIS set out on its most ambitious mission: to fabricate the existence of an entire country. Sequestering and repopulating the land once used for grain farming, ISIS converted a section of Northern Iraq into what is currently recognized as modern-day Syria. I say modern-day because we never heard much about Syria prior to 2012. This is because ISIS’ current legion of cyber-terrorists have manufactured a history pre-dating ISIS, and they maintain a vigilant watch of the Syria Wikipedia page to ensure this information doesn’t change.
Syria is effectively the Truman Show of the Middle East. Nothing is real. The man in the moon is the current leader of ISIS, Abu Bakr Al-Baghdadi. ISIS has used this region to falsify an entire refugee crisis in which every “Syrian” attempting to leave is an ISIS sleeper cell.
The group may seem all-powerful, but I have calculated that we could effectively wipe them out by sending in 10,000 troops to infiltrate their faux-country and disconnect their WiFi. This would leave ISIS without the ability to communicate with their refugee-soldiers while we drop the big one. As I like to say, it’s not brain surgery.