Tag Archives: James McGarvey

LOOKING BACK: Reaching for the best of 2016

Let’s be blunt, no one wants to begin 2017 by remembering 2016. But those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it, and you don’t want to kill the Great Barrier Reef AGAIN!

While the most important moment of 2016 is yet to be written, the fact that women with unshaven body parts are everywhere is something that should undoubtedly exploited. Sure, as a boy, I’ve been accustomed to the shaven side of most well-judged women. Mom had mention that French women never shaved under their armpits, which horrified me as a young lad, since it had been known to me that only uncivilized ladies would do that sort of thing. Of course, my first visual introduction to armpit fuzz was in a Playboy edition of an iconic hairy Madonna from early naked depictions, which nearly, kind of appalled me. However, the truth is, women in 2016 are unapologetic and proudly growing hair in all its natural delight. An undisputed marvel that has been demonstrated to me in 2016. What will the following year reveal for the contemporary woman, I dare ask?

James McGarvey

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Fifteen Places Your Dog Will Hide When The Fireworks Start

  1. Bathtub
  2. Closet
  3. Under the bed
  4. Under the covers
  5. In the basement
  6. Your boss’s skirt
  7. Bagpipe bag
  8. In a bush
  9. In a purse
  10. Chewing/ripping all the stuffing out of the couch cushion and wearing it like an animal skin
  11. Turning fear into aggression as he chases the neighborhood kids.
  12. His personal flashbacks of Vietnam
  13. FBI witness protection program
  14. Bomb shelter you didn’t know he made
  15. In your cornhole (the game, of course)

Lisa Burl, Isabel Duarte, James McGarvey, T.M. Scholtes, 

Good Christian? How Many Of These Things Are You Giving Up For Lent?

Lent is upon us and for the next six weeks Christians will be giving up anything from chocolate to watching TV. We’ve compiled 52 essential things to quit for lent, see how many you’re giving up and tell your friends how good a Christian you are!

1-3: Fallen Angel; 4-10: Decent Christian; 11-20: Good Christian; 21-30: Altar boy; 31-40: Disciple; 41-51: John The Baptist
52: Pope Francis

  • Flossing
  • Faith in Christ
  • Lean Pockets
  • The type of art where you make paintings out of your vomit
  • Sharing things on Facebook before doing 5 seconds of research to see if it’s made up
  • Telling everyone that the fish jumped out of the water and somehow got its mouth stuck on your penis by itself
  • Roller-blades (but not skates)
  • Making every bun a pretzel bun
  • Using the words “correctomundo” and “fo-sho” — See also: “epic”
  • Alcohol over 18% (ok, maybe 31%)
  • Indulgent chuckling
  • Ironic appropriation of AAVE
  • Having sex with your friends’ boyfriends (I heard Jesus would really appreciate it)
  • Pro-life bumper stickers
  • Complain-a-bragging
  • Eye contact
  • Chocolate flavored prophylactics
  • Asking to speak with your manager immediately
  • Taking all your self-loathing and personal frustrations out on the Kardashian/West family
  • Thinking about the country of Africa to make you feel better about your problems
  • Answering incriminating questions
  • Self-respect
  • The physical limitations of gravity
  • Using coupons
  • Your virginity
  • ALL television (but, like, TV-television. Not computer television. that’s different.)
  • Buzzfeed
  • Über and everything they stand for
  • Instagramming my breakfast
  • The Annual
  • “Wonderwall” by Oasis
  • Plotting revenge
  • Making ‘Fetch’ happen
  • Catching up on Game of Thrones before the next season
  • Having earbuds in for the sole purpose of not talking to your co-workers
  • Dipping triscuits in straight-up frosting
  • Wiping
  • Cleaning the litter boxes
  • Pooping in the litter boxes
  • Football
  • Pumpkin Spice Lattes and Ugg boots
  • My Sherpa
  • My Sharona
  • My Giant
  • The Mayan Calendar
  • Mylanta
  • Lionel Ritchie’s Greatest Hits
  • Tickling bystanders
  • Walking up to unsuspected people whispering “I like the way your breath smells in the morning.”
  • Taking selfies of selfies
  • Drinking Jack and milk

Lisa Burl, Kevin ColeIsabel Duarte, Hannah Gutman, Lydia Hadfield,
David Luna, James McGarvey, Christine McQuaid, T.M. Scholtes

Ep 11 – The Deathisode

Last Hurrah iTunesEpisode 11 of The Last Hurrah is now online! You can click the picture above to listen!

This weekend came to a close in an abandoned house. Kevin Cole greeted the boys and girls in the audience, got them to stand up and introduced a new segment called “Talk Dirty To Me: The Real Life Transcripts of Young Men Looking For Love.” Then, the panel came, Caitlyn Joy, James McGarvey, and Emily Perper, they discussed men with 132 Lb Scrotums, various hospital events, missing kids, deaths, and death. Oh, and James introduced his newest segment: Nurse Jiggy’s Hospital Talk.


Please support the show by subscribing and reviewing the show on itunes and join us Sundays at 7pm at the Maryland Ensemble Theatre.

Ep 7 – Remembering Robin Williams

Last Hurrah iTunesEpisode 7 of The Last Hurrah is now online! You can click the picture above to listen!

This weekend came to a close as Kevin Cole was joined by panelists Caitlyn Joy, Robert Martin, and Laura Stark to discuss the late Robin Williams, including a special tribute performed by James McGarvey. To lighten things up, The Comedy Pigs stopped by for a special longform set!

photo (1)

The Robin Williams artwork available at the show can now be purchased at The Annual Shop, a limited number of copies are available.

Please support the show by subscribing and reviewing the show on itunes or join us Sundays at 7pm at the Maryland Ensemble Theatre.

Sponge Bath

Nurse Jiggy

People ask me all the time what it’s like being a male nurse.  Sure, traditionally we have come to expect women to perform this role.  For the most part, they do it very well. They provide kisses on boo-boos (I apologize in advance for the use of technical medical terminology).  They can single-handedly change a diaper, whether on an infant or elderly man, faster than a locomotive on nitro boosters.  They provide tenderness and support at the most critical moments of life and death. In fact, when modern nursing was founded in the mid-19th century, women of every walk of life, including prostitutes, were encouraged to become nurses.  You see, women know exactly how to care for others in their most desperate moments.  Woman are not afraid to touch parts of the body most people won’t go near when they know it’s to help them relieve pain or stress.  However, in recent years the nursing profession has changed.  Men are now stepping into these once female-dominant roles and making a major impact.  Men are finding themselves in all sorts of positions (stay with me, I’m still talking about nursing).  Men can change diapers, give hugs when needed, and insert a urinary catheter into man or woman if it will help relieve bladder tension.  Men are not even below assisting in the delivery of babies, even if it means getting elbows-deep into vaginas.  (On a side note, during my schooling, I was privileged to see a few vaginal births and let me say that I have a newfound appreciation for the female genitalia.  I always understood that it had other purposes than to simply fulfill my basic needs.  It’s both magnificent and monstrous.  But I’m getting off topic.)

Being a male nurse exposes me to a world most men don’t get to see, and for many reasons this is not necessarily a bad thing.  See, I work the night shift just three days a week.  It’s a pretty sweet deal because it means each week I have off more days than I’m working.  I make decent money; however, some would say that we are underpaid.  And there are many reasons I would agree with this, but we don’t do this for the money. Even though I’m on my feet most of the time, incessantly running from patient room to patient room medicating and re-medicating, the shifts go by rather quickly.  By the way, did I mention that I’m the only male nurse on my unit at night?  This is both a plus and negative.  Women love having male nurses on the floor.  We help pull patients up in beds with very little effort.  We intervene when elderly, confused patients are being combative.  And as the one male nurse on night shift, we are useful as punching bags for the times our female colleagues are having relationship problems, which is most of the time.  What other job allows a man to work around a ton of beautiful, bossy women for 12 hours at a time who are all coincidentally on their period at the same time?  But once again, I digress.

The best part of being a male nurse is that we get to give sponge baths to our patients. Anyway, these are not real sponge baths.  They are more like baths in the bed.  We bring a wet washcloth with soap and sometimes warm water.  This mostly depends on how nice you have been to us whether we wait for the faucet water to warm up or not.  Oh, I know what you’re thinking.  I’ve seen the all that glamorous porn where the male patient is in bed agonizing over his ailment and the female nurse, or depending on what type of porn you’re into, the male nurse comes into the patient’s room and . . . BOING (queue the brown-chicken-brown-cow music in the background).  The point is I have never given a gorgeous female patient a bath.  Usually the younger the patient, the sicker they are.  Now, morbidly obese women, that’s a different story.  I’m not going to get into that at this juncture.  Another tangent for another time.

Typically it’s your mid-50-year-old men who think they are too sick to reach their own groin or wipe their own ass.  These are usually guys who have been admitted for pancreatitis or just had the gallbladder taken out . . . or worse!  They are post-operative for an emergency appendectomy.  Men are the biggest babies when they’re sick.  But I’m a professional.  I will happily go get you that Percocet or Vicodin you need to soothe your pain, but there’s no way I’m washing your member, pal.  This isn’t the Hilton, and I’m not your hospital escort service.  I’m a male nurse . . . a murse.  Look, I’m not above bathing someone who is incapable, like some of the elderly or a paraplegic.  I think it’s fundamentally important for the recovery process.  But there is no way I’m washing a guy who can easily use the clicker to call me into the room.  I say, if you can reach your own penis, you can wash it yourself.  I’ll hand you the washcloth with soap but that’s as far as I’m going.  Heck, I’ll even tell you a story about Hansel and Gretel if we have time.  Maybe next time you call me in for a sponge bath, I’ll come in with a urinary catheter and an enema instead.  We’ll assume you need help voiding and a good colon cleanse as well while we are at it.

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