Tag Archives: Kelsey Sartory

Additional Awkward Affairs

Andrew Michaels
Artwork by Kelsey Sartory

Unintentional Boob Grab

The Unintentional Boob Grab

Every man has been a “victim” of the unintentional boob grab. While there are men who use this incident to purposefully grab a love muffin, others find their hands in the wrong place at the wrong time. Most grabs occur in crowded areas, such as hallways, elevators or concert venues.

Say you are at a concert and land a decent spot on the floor right near the stage. Suddenly, a mosh fight breaks out. For those of you who don’t know what a mosh fight is, it consists of a large group of people shoving each other every which way for the hell of it.

As the shoving gets worse, you stand your ground with you hands at your chest, trying to avoid the constant bodies flying at you. But let’s face it; one is bound to hit you at some point. And, with your luck, that one is a woman with perky Pointer-Sisters. After “cuppage,” it is possible to redeem yourself.

How to proceed:

  1. Consider acting like you have no idea what happened. Don’t draw attention to yourself with worried looks. Just talk to a friend that is nearby or slowly walk away like you’ve got some place to be.
  2. Fess up. Explain what happened and that you didn’t mean to grab one of her puppies. If she still doesn’t believe you, insert additional details that will finalize the occurrence. You never know! One day, this could be the “how-we-met” story you tell your future children.

Umbrella Malfunction

The Umbrella Malfunction

The only thing worse than a rainy day is when you also have to drag around an umbrella. We all know there are smaller umbrellas that can fit in your purse or desk, but how efficient are they when the wind turns them inside out? So, after choosing an effective umbrella, you’ve managed to stay dry. On the other hand, you’re now equipped with a potential weapon.

Imagine you are in line at a local coffee shop. Since it’s raining, the soaked non-umbrella users are cramming into the store in need of a warm beverage. Meanwhile, you are squished in between a wet businessman and a mother and child. As you try to adjust your position, you accidently press the release button and your effective yet large umbrella discharges, smacking the child in his face. Now, you’ve gotten everyone’s attention.

How can you get out alive without feeling the wrath of a momma bear?

  1. Try to woo her. Buy the kid a cake pop or biscotti. Chances are he’ll ditch the tears for a sweet treat. Then, buy a drink for the lady. She’s probably heard the kid whine all day, so this really isn’t any different. Adult interaction is what she needs.
  2. Immediately let go of the umbrella and give it a subtle toss forward. After, look as shocked as everyone else in line and begin accusing the businessman for this incident. Through in a line or two about the “poor child” and just kept yelling. The businessman will give in to your words and confess.

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Momma Say What?

10299295_10203743300487847_289658861_nAndrew Michaels | Artwork: Kelsey Sartory

I’m sure you took one glance at the big flashy letters reading, “Momma Say What?!” and thought, “This HAS to be a black man’s rip off of ‘Sh*t My Dad Says,’ by Justin Halpern.” Whelp, as much as I hate to disappoint, I am not black. To my dismay, I am a chunky white boy, currently resting in my childhood bedroom, while my equally white mother makes questionable comments. Taking a page from Mr. Halpern, the following comments were recorded over a period of time:

Describing Dallas Buyers Club:

“I have to watch a movie where a baby gets kidnapped! I’d rather watch that movie about the gay guy with AIDS. That’s more uplifting!”

Relaxing on the couch, watching her slipper slowly fall off:

“Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit……damn.”

Complaint of the day:

“This weather is contradicting AND I’ve eaten way too much peanut butter.”

“Teach me how to make boobies and wieners on text.”

“What do you mean you don’t like the word ‘voluptuous’? It’s a fine word.”

“Which doctor did you have? The Ahmadinejad-looking one?”

Watching the Oscars:

Me: “What do you think about Ben Affleck?”

Mom: “So good. He gets me going.”

“I bought this body wash for you just so I could say you smell like a French whore.”

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The Annual #10 Arrives in One Week!

 

Annual10cover

On July 31st The Annual #10 will (finally) arrive, just in time for it to still be considered a July/August issue. This issue is jam packed with material from your favorite Annual writers and a new interview with Sara Benincasa. This issue contains (but is not limited to) up to the minute Bill Murray tracking, a glimpse at an upcoming Pixar movie*, a look into Craigslist, an in-depth breakdown of mystery Doritos flavors, illustrated Campfire stories and so much more! Side effects may include stubbed toes, broken hearts and a realization of one’s own mortality, so preorder The Annual #10 today!

*Upcomins pixar movie in the satirical sense. Pixar movie detailed is in no way being produced by Pixar. We mention this, because Disney is known to be sticklers for their copyrights.

How to Handle Awkward Affairs

Andrew Michaels

Illustrations: Kelsey Sartory

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The Fart n’ Stare

Don’t lie to yourself: If you are a living, breathing human being, you are guilty of executing the fart n’ stare. This act takes place between two or more individuals in a central location, typically tight-quartered, like a line at the movie theater or an elevator.

If you would like, imagine the scenario: You thinking you can get away with a gentle, modest fart—a simple “pfft.” Once released, you subtly look around to see if you were successful in hiding the discharge. If you make awkward eye contact with the surrounding individuals, you’ve lost the battle but won the war. In other words, the fart wasn’t hidden, but you executed the fart n’ stare.

There are really only two ways to go about it.

Take the straightforward approach and acknowledge your fart. Be proud of the fact that you can toot in public and admit to its existence with three words: IT WAS ME!

Force the issue onto another. Look around like you’re trying to find “the person” who could have released such a foul odor in a public place. Usually, this will only work if three or more people are around, but if you’re really embarrassed, it doesn’t hurt to test your skills. Avoid trying to push the stench with your hand. You will be caught.

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The Retracted Wave

When seeing a family member or friend from afar, a wave is often a sign of acknowledgment before further contact. Among acquaintances or random people, the wave can be used as a silent “hello.”

The retracted wave begins when you see an unfamiliar individual waving in your direction. S/he appears to be making eye contact with you, so you wave in return. You might smile as well. Within seconds you realize the waver was actually acknowledging someone behind you and not greeting you.

How do you avoid looking like an ass?

Pull back. Slowly or quickly, whatever your style, place your hand back down by your side. This can look more believable if you pretend to get something out of your pocket with the waved hand.

If you don’t think you’ve got enough time to get your hand all the way down by your side before the waver sees you, use it to slick your hair back. This isn’t exactly subtle, but it sure beats accidently being caught waving to a random person.

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The Misinterpreted Fist Bump

Depending on your clique, the fist bump may be the handshake you all choose to use. Whether someone said something awesome or you’re saying hello, the fist bump reflects your attitude toward a situation. On the other “hand,” if you use the fist bump outside the group, it may not always go your way.

Let’s say you’re checking out at a grocery store. As you finish paying, the cashier hands you your groceries. While grabbing the bag, you notice his/her hand is in the standard shape of a “pound-it” or fist bump. Although this isn’t a common occurrence, you figure, “Why not?” and proceed to complete the bump.

Is there any way out?

Once the fists have been bumped, there is no turning back.

If you notice a fist bump isn’t the intention before contact, you can go for a more professional form of contact. Shift the situation into the misinterpreted handshake. While it may not be exactly what you hoped for, it’s better than a random fist bump.

Remember: To be awkward is to be human. Embrace it, or avoid it completely.

How to Handle Awkward Affairs was originally published in The Annual #4.