Tag Archives: Kim Kardashian

You Won’t Believe Who Kim Kardashian Is Blaming For The Paris Robbery

Last week Kanye West did the unthinkable, he stopped his own concert to help someone else. Hoping in a stretch limousine he rushed to Paris hotel where his wife, Kim Kardashian had just been robbed. Now, Kim K. is speaking out about the eventful night, laying the blame on someone long gone from this etherial plane:

Aleister Crowley.

That’s right, it is currently believed that famed occultist and sex magician Aleister Crowley is behind the now infamous Paris robbery. Although he passed away in 1947, Crowley spent considerable time in Paris conjuring spirits with other like-minded sex magicians yet the art of sex magick is not a very profitable one. In 1903 Crowley needed to summon some quick cash to support his habits.

At the start of October, 1903, Aleister Crowley broke into the Paris Catacombs to begin a seven day ritual that is believed to have been the source of his mass wealth. Given Crowley’s success, we won’t list all the steps here (though they can be found in just about any book on Sex Magick). Prior to the start of the ritual, the magician must participate in a cleanse in which they may only partake in the nectar of various fruits of the earth, no solid food may pass their lips. Upon entering the catacomb they are to strip naked and spend 38 hours rolling around in the dirt until the dust forms an exoskeleton which will be necessary protect them from the demons to be summoned. The summoning process, perhaps the most grotesque step involves bones and… bones, let’s leave it at that. Once materialized, Crowley wrestled with the demons for two days (headlocks were not permitted, a standard set by sex magicians and adopted by pro-wrestlers across the globe). After proving his strength the demons disappeared and on the seventh day returned with the highly valued jewelry that Aleister Crowley would use to build his nest egg.

On October 8, 2016, Kim Kardashian would file a police report stating that while in her Paris hotel room a group of men “materialized through flames” and ransacked her belongings. These flames left no scorch marks inside the room. Among the most valuable items stolen were a cache of jewels bearing a resemblance to those worn by Crowley during his lifetime. Many have pointed to the matching accessories as a sign of the Kardashian’s occult status when in fact, it was Crowley who lifted Kim’s fashion sense.

Kim’s wedding ring was also stolen during the robbery, but Kanye West was quick refuse its return. West tweeted the following over the weekend: That thing’s probably on a demon dick somewhere and I don’t mess around with that Lady Gaga shit.

Kevin Cole

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10 Things More Problematic About Kim Kardashian Than Nude Selfies

Kim Kardashian-West, millionaire by association, has come under fire after sharing a nude photo to her Twitter page. The snapshot, in celebration of International Women’s Day, revealed her nearly-perfect composition, with all the good parts black-boxed out :-/. Her photo was met with invective from folks all across the board, from pop star P!nk to actress Chloe Grace Moretz and jill-of-all-trades Bette Midler.

Listen. I get it. Kim Kardashian would be a nobody if it weren’t for nepotism, bombshell body proportions, and a sex tape that lit the spark igniting the nuclear bomb that is now the Kardashian Empire. However, her boobs and booty are not grounds for condemnation. Instead, here is a comprehensive list of reasons to loathe her existence that are very much fair game.

  1. She lacks any sort of discernable talent and is somehow still worth more than every person on my block combined.
  2. She is a vapid reality star who makes millions for nothing more than intermittently texting and crying on camera.
  3. She is somehow always in the headlines? How does a person always have news to share.
  4. Her business venture got her a role in “Disaster Movie” and while its box office performance was tremendously catastrophic, she still got to spend a week on set with Ike Barinholtz and now has a movie credit.
  5. Founded the Illuminati.
  6. Wrote the How I Met Your Mother series finale.
  7. Gave the Native Americans Smallpox and built shoe factories on their graves.
  8. Created an anti-drug campaign based around a 3 word slogan that ultimately led to mass incarcerations.
  9. Spent her lifesavings to build a slightly larger Washington Monument three blocks away from the original.
  10. Is always bringing back the McRib.

Christine McQuaid