Tag Archives: Lent

President Trump Vows to Give Up Denouncing Anti-Semitism for Lent

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In an executive order, which many are calling a clear violation of the separation of church and state, President Donald Trump declared he would give up the act of denouncing anti-Semitism for Lent.

“The touchy-feely Anne Frank Center may think I’m not tough on anti-Semitism, but I’m about to show those Jews what fighting hate really looks like,” Trump announced in a brief statement to the press. “Anyone can give up chocolate for Lent. Easy. What I plan to do is going to be very tough for this administration. Recently, I’ve felt like I could denounce a different act of anti-Semitism daily, but for the next 40 days I’ve chosen not to. As we get closer to Passover, I’m sure this will become a very difficult task, but I am doing it to prove my dedication to our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, the King of the Jews. And he really was, ask any rabbi, they’ll tell you.”

President Trump went on to explain how much he would like to speak out about the recent string of attacks against the Jewish community, if it were not in violation of his religious freedom.

High-ranking members of the administration, including Steve Bannon, Stephen Miller, and Jeff Sessions, were notably eager to join the President in his 40 day fast.

“I can’t imagine doing more to help the Jews,” Bannon noted with a glint of joy in his eye as he took credit for helping draft the latest executive order.

“Who says this Lent thing has to be 40 days—maybe if goes well, we’ll make it 80,” he added.

One element of the order that has drawn harsh criticism is the President’s call for the FBI to cease its investigations into anti-Semitic hate crimes, notably the recent vandalism at historic Jewish cemeteries and bomb threats made to Jewish Community Centers across the nation. When asked about this element of the order, Press Secretary Sean Spicer became notably hostile.

“No one is telling the FBI to cease investigations!” Spicer snapped “We’re simply asking them to dial it back and focus on God for once. If someone should spray-paint a swastika on a synagogue door, we ask that instead of launching an investigation, the FBI simply ask God for help.”

He went on to clarify that after the 40 day fasting period, the FBI could return to investigating any hate crimes they happened to remember, as they are not to log the crimes committed during Lent. 

An unnamed source close to both the administration and the church noted that Trump also intends to give up golden showers for the duration of Lent. He is noticeably more concerned about that.

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Good Christian? How Many Of These Things Are You Giving Up For Lent?

Lent is upon us and for the next six weeks Christians will be giving up anything from chocolate to watching TV. We’ve compiled 52 essential things to quit for lent, see how many you’re giving up and tell your friends how good a Christian you are!

1-3: Fallen Angel; 4-10: Decent Christian; 11-20: Good Christian; 21-30: Altar boy; 31-40: Disciple; 41-51: John The Baptist
52: Pope Francis

  • Flossing
  • Faith in Christ
  • Lean Pockets
  • The type of art where you make paintings out of your vomit
  • Sharing things on Facebook before doing 5 seconds of research to see if it’s made up
  • Telling everyone that the fish jumped out of the water and somehow got its mouth stuck on your penis by itself
  • Roller-blades (but not skates)
  • Making every bun a pretzel bun
  • Using the words “correctomundo” and “fo-sho” — See also: “epic”
  • Alcohol over 18% (ok, maybe 31%)
  • Indulgent chuckling
  • Ironic appropriation of AAVE
  • Having sex with your friends’ boyfriends (I heard Jesus would really appreciate it)
  • Pro-life bumper stickers
  • Complain-a-bragging
  • Eye contact
  • Chocolate flavored prophylactics
  • Asking to speak with your manager immediately
  • Taking all your self-loathing and personal frustrations out on the Kardashian/West family
  • Thinking about the country of Africa to make you feel better about your problems
  • Answering incriminating questions
  • Self-respect
  • The physical limitations of gravity
  • Using coupons
  • Your virginity
  • ALL television (but, like, TV-television. Not computer television. that’s different.)
  • Buzzfeed
  • Über and everything they stand for
  • Instagramming my breakfast
  • The Annual
  • “Wonderwall” by Oasis
  • Plotting revenge
  • Making ‘Fetch’ happen
  • Catching up on Game of Thrones before the next season
  • Having earbuds in for the sole purpose of not talking to your co-workers
  • Dipping triscuits in straight-up frosting
  • Wiping
  • Cleaning the litter boxes
  • Pooping in the litter boxes
  • CRAZY TALK
  • Football
  • Pumpkin Spice Lattes and Ugg boots
  • My Sherpa
  • My Sharona
  • My Giant
  • The Mayan Calendar
  • Mylanta
  • Lionel Ritchie’s Greatest Hits
  • Tickling bystanders
  • Walking up to unsuspected people whispering “I like the way your breath smells in the morning.”
  • Taking selfies of selfies
  • Drinking Jack and milk

Lisa Burl, Kevin ColeIsabel Duarte, Hannah Gutman, Lydia Hadfield,
David Luna, James McGarvey, Christine McQuaid, T.M. Scholtes