Tag Archives: Lily Fryburg

Transcending The Holidays: A Bonus Digital Issue

Last week, we promised we would return in a big way and here it is:

Screen Shot 2015-01-27 at 9.44.26 PM

A Free Digital Bonus Issue to kick off the new year!

Click the picture or the words above to download it (they’ll both do the trick).

This issue features our introspective In/Out list for 2015, and you wouldn’t want to start the year without knowing what’s hot and what’s not. You’ll also find junk mail dug up after the holidays, theatre reviews and the five commandments for attending comedy shows. This issue features an incredible interview with Alex Koll (stand up comic and a founding member of The Business) and so much more. Give it a download, tell your friends, download it on your friend’s computers without telling them and then pick up a subscription. The next issue hits the printers in March, but we’ll have plenty more content right here on the web until then.

 

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Overlooked Back to School Supplies

It’s only human to forget things, but there’s nothing worse than arriving at your first day of school unprepared for classes. Here are some commonly overlooked school supplies compiled by The Annual Staff:

  • Pepper Spray
  • Poop bucket
  • Lice
  • Frozen boogars
  • A seven hundred pound gorilla with a penchant for hugs
  • Dunce Caps
  • Catheters and Colostomy bags.
  • A Netflix account
  • An extra pair of underwear, just in case
  • A three-legged stool to go with the dunce cap
  • Vodka soaked fruit snacks
To the best of my knowledge, each of these items were a forgotten necessity among the following writers:
Parker Benbow | Cullen Dolson | Lily Fryburg | Amber George | Briana Haynie | Steve Younkins
 
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The New Year’s Resolution That’s On Everyone’s List

Lily Fryburg

Around January 1st everyone and their brother-in-law hits the gym. They know what’s up: their cholesterol. Because I’m a die-hard conformist, I followed the herd of New Year’s resoluters to the gym and got myself a trainer. This dictator wore more sweatbands than there are sweat glands in the human body, and his name (Tommy Morris) seemed far too benign for such a character.  I decided to call him Seargent Sanders; he did not seem to appreciate my sense of humor.  But he pushed me hard for my first (and probably only) workout. Here is his opening monologue:

“Okay, here’s how it works. Each day we crush two muscle groups using only dynamic hypertension bicameral exercises specifically chosen by me for you for maximal tearage. Today will be tris and chest. Do you know what ‘tris’ is short for?  Triangles.  Try and keep up. Rule number one: We never rest. You may drink water. You may stretch. But you may not rest. Now, let’s do tri pull-downs and skull-crushers. Let’s start light and work up.  Grab those forties right thurr and thrust them up over your head using mostly your back and elbow joints. Yeah,” he said, eyeing the rack of weights (or himself in the mirror behind it—it was impossible to tell). “That should be good.”

“All right,” I thought, steeling myself against the task at hand.  I did what the good Sergeant said.  I took a breath, I took a sip of water, and I gripped the weights and thrust them over my head using mostly my back and elbows.  It did not take long to decide that I didn’t like triangle day.

“No, no, no!” Sergeant shouted at me from behind, his forehead sweatband moving up and down with the creases in his forehead. Suffice to say, I could not finish those repetitions. “You did that all wrong! You’re supposed to use your back!”

I don’t remember much of the lifting after that.  All I know is it’s hard to move.  They tell me that’s the sign of a great workout.  I’m pretty sure that I should still be able to flex my toes.  Anyway, here’s some vocabulary I developed during my torture session. Maybe it will help you.

Reps = a number that you will try really hard to count to.

Drunken exercising = when your muscles are so drunk with fatigue that they have a mind of their own, forcing your hands and whatever they’re holding to weave through the air. (Don’t drink and lift weights, kids.)

Flys =1 billion times the weight of the buzz-buzz kind

Cheating = when your muscle jumps off the work out train, literally jolting to a stop (synonym for “failure”)

Furthermore, my trainer and I had some quality interactions. Here are the highlights:

TRAINER: You’re only cheating yourself if you don’t finish the reps.

ME: What if I’m okay with that?

_________

TRAINER: Come on, finish!

ME: That’s what she said.

(followed immediately by:)

TRAINER: Stop laughing, you’re making it harder.

__________

ME: I’m going to drop the weight on my head.

TRAINER: Don’t worry, I’m spotting you.

ME: Shouldn’t your hands be on the weights?

TRAINER: Don’t worry.

ME: It’s too heavy.

TRAINER: Don’t worry.

ME: I’m worried. UGH! 9!….10! (Puts down weight.) Okay, done.

TRAINER: There are 15 reps in a set.

___________

ME: (To the trainer) Your shoelace is untied.

^Worked like a charm.

__________

ME: I think I just don’t have upper body strength. It must be some rare disorder. Have you ever heard of that?

TRAINER: Stop talking.

__________

TRAINER: You gotta get angry.

ME: But I’m not angry. And I don’t want to be so emotional when I work out.

TRAINER: It’s the only way. It’s like meditation. But seething.

__________

(At the end of the workout…. SOS!!!)

TRAINER: How many push-ups can you do?

ME: I don’t know. Probably a few.

TRAINER: Let’s see.

ME: Okay! Uh, but just so you know, your shoelace is untied.

TRAINER: No, it’s not. Go.

ME: (Sighing heavily. Then bravely says) YOLO. (Mid way through first push-up arms shake, jolt, and collapse.)

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Solutions to the Oscar Mayer Wiener Recall

Kraft Food recalled 96,000 pounds of mislabeled wieners, cheese dogs were listed as classic dogs and for a brief period of time, chaos reigned. This left Kraft Foods with a surplus of 96,000 pounds of unused wieners. Luckily a team of Annual writers have put their heads together to find some practical uses for the seemingly unusable weenies.

  • Filler for Madame Tussaud wax figures
  • Edible pens
  • Game pieces the world’s most questionable Jenga tournament
  • A sculpture of Oscar Mayer’s famous wiener
  • Lincoln logs
  • An eco-friendly alternative to those colorful plastic spheres that poison the ball pits of our children’s play areas
  • Swimmies
  • Apathetic darts
  • The worst Haunnukah ever, it’d be a different story were there to be a massive recall of Hebrew National dogs.
  • The best version of A Nightmare on Elm Street
  • Pull one hell of a prank on PETA. Open the office closet? Avalanche of dogs. Time for lunch? Break room fridge-turned sausage fest.
  • Literal sausage fest
  • Unstable high heels
  • Anti vegetarian gauges
  • The claws for toy crane machines
  • The literal Hunger Games aka World’s Greatest Hot Dog Eating Contest Ever
  • A hellish game of chance for lactose intolerant prisoners
  • Rations for WWIII

Whether you work at Kraft or you’re wondering what to do with your recalled prepackaged meat, we sincerely hope this list will help you through these dark times.

Practical wiener uses by Parker Benbow, Lily Fryburg, Hannah Gutman, Briana Haynie, Andrew Michaels, Emily Perper, and Scott Travers

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Michael Jackson’s ‘Xscape’: Track List

“WOW!”

“NO WAY!”

“I’M PRE-ORDERING MINE NOW!”

Hear that? That is the sound of three people reacting to the news that Michael Jackson will be releasing a new album in May. “But isn’t he dead?” is something you’re probably thinking and yes, according to the liberal media elite, he is dead. However, many highly intelligent people in a basement under Texas unfortunately called Conspiracy Theorist believe he is alive and only faked his death back in 2009. Whether you are a drone who believes anything CNN tells you or an ultra cool free thinker on the Internet, The Annual has something for you! We have acquired the track names to Michael Jackson’s new Album Xscape. Read them and weep all over again just like the day he “died.”

140331-michael-jackson-xscape

  1. I’m Still Dead but Alive in You
  2. My Coffin Smells of You Feat. Elvis
  3. I Wanna Be On Your Mantel
  4. You Proud Now, Dad?
  5. That Was It
  6. Being White in Heaven
  7. Haunting Bubbles
  8. Neverland Heaven
  9. Xscaping the Afterlife
  10. Maggots Ate (What Was Left Of) My Nose
  11. Thriller (From The P.O.V Of The Dead)
  12. Good
  13. Please Stop ‘Cause I’m Dead Enough Feat. Ke$ha
  14. Bonus Track: Lisa It’s Your Birthday (Happy Birthday Lisa) – The Unreleased Demo From The Simpsons

 

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Track List by: Kevin Cole, Lily Fryburg, Briana Haynie, and Andrew Michaels

Obama’s New Guidelines for the NSA

Earlier this week it was announced that President Obama had sent a letter to the NSA proposing changes which considered to be “reasonable goals.” In the interest of maintaining transparency The Annual has come into possession of said proposal through a series of wire taps and we would now like to share it with the American public.

Gen. Alexander,

I hope you don’t mind if I call you Keith, perhaps General Keith, I’m not sure which I like best. In the past year, your department has come under increased public scrutiny thanks to noted war criminal Edward Snowden. Still, I believe we must change things to show that we’re doing some good for the nation. Here are my very reasonable goals for NSA in 2014:

  • Give all Americans a courtesy call prior to phone tapping, that way they’re aware that the NSA is listening to their every word.
  • Convert every mirror into two-way mirrors.
  • Consider sending complimentary fruit baskets to unhappy Americans in order to smooth things over.
  • For the love of God, limit the tap time on sex lines. Those bastards are still charging us.
  • Establish a backup plan for the backup plan when lines are down. Cups with string have to be proven ineffective.
  • Remove toilet-cams from all government buildings and fast food restaurants.
  • If you hear a man speaking with a “girly man” voice, it is your duty to inform him. Refer him to the James Earl Jones hotline.
  • The Hills Have Eyes themed decorations for all newly constructed NSA surveillance buildings.
  • Literally installing the eyes of traitors to the US in various hills, that way the public will know we’re serious.
  • Agents need to stop telling people that NSA stands for “Non-Stop America.”
  • Send out ads that correspond to what people have been talking about, people like targeted advertisements.
  • Send out letters detailing out poor grammar and choices, while providing information for local ESL classes.
  • New complimentary Birthday, Engagement, Anniversary, New born, New Job, New car, Pet Birthday, Sympathy For Your Plant Dying, Congrats On Getting That Stye Removed, Congrats For Completing One Year of Therapy; Here’s To The Next Twenty, Yeah That Amazon Customer Service Rep Was A Complete Dick, and I’m Sorry Your Mom Keeps Calling Asking Why The TV Isn’t Working cards.
  • Convert all insects into listening devices. AKA: Bugs

Seems simple enough. Increasingly covert and 100% serious. I’m not talking about reinventing the shoe phone here. Just some simple improvements for 2014.

HAGS (Have A Great Summer)

-President Barack H. Obama

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Letter composed by:

Parker Benbow, Kevin Cole, Lily Fryburg, Briana Haynie, Matt Lee, Andrew Michaels, Emily Perper, Scott Travers

Budgeting Your Mega Millions Winnings

This article is aimed at the two people out there who won Tuesday night’s Mega Millions Lottery drawing. Now that you have collected your lump sum of 224 million dollars, you’re probably wondering how to spend it. Well, we at The Annual have put together a handy breakdown of exactly how to spend that unnecessary wealth.

  • Fucking taxes – $25,000,000
  • A lifetime supply of Cheese Ball Barrels – $500,000
  • A brand new car! – $20,000
  • An unnecessary amount of dildos – $500
  • Retire and Open a Puffin Ranch Bed and Breakfast: You raise puffins and your guests take them out for walks as part of the attraction. Also, you only serve Puffin Cereal. – $2,300,000
  • Get your head carved into Mt. Rushmore – $23.00 max.
  • Buy the White House – $4,400,000
  • Buy the Green House – $220,000
  • Holy shit! The first 25 didn’t cover taxes!? Okay, well this should do the trick. – $25,000,000
  • “Mid-Life Crisis” novelty piggy bank – $3
  • Mid-life crisis funds (to be divided between the costs of a new car, a divorce, and a marriage to a younger hotter wife) – $100,000
  • Spend the day AS President Obama or as one of his kids (your choice). But not Michelle, she’s off limits. $2,000 of it goes to buying identical shoes to walk in all day. Day includes s/he staying at your house while you do his/her job (or go to school), including making decisions that could help or destroy people’s lives. Perks are sleeping in his/her bed, playing with his/her dog, calling Michelle your wife or mom. *Discretion is advised when choosing who to be for the day.* –$50,000,000
  • Getting every Muppet tattooed on your back (if that seems overpriced, it’s because I’m going to a fancy place. They feed you pizza to dull the pain). – $5,000
  • A pet monkey just like the one Justin Bieber has. – $15,000
  • A seat next to Justin Bieber on the Virgin Galactic. – $250,000
  • Purchasing Little Ragged Island (via privateislandsonline.com) in the Bahamas because with a name like that, how could you say no? – $23,500,000
  • A contract legally binding Tom Hanks to live out the rest of his days on my island, reenacting the entirety of Castaway twice daily. – $51,039,474
  • Wilson brand volleyball of acceptable quality. – $30.00
  • Black Sharpie. – $2
  • Really? More taxes!? Fine, here! Glad I could independently fund our war with Russia! – $28,000,000
  • Used RV for, you know, traveling the country. Definitely not for cooking meth. – $60,000
  • Bachelors Degree in Chemistry from the University of California San Diego. – $197,968
  • Golden Lego brick. Made of gold. – $15,000
  • A roll of 22 carat gold toilet paper, delivered in person with a bottle of champagne. – $1,376,900
  • To gamble, but only on penny slots. $3,000,000
  • Enough Cheez-Its to swim in an ocean of Cheez-Its. – $5,000,000
  • iTunes gift cards. – $2,000,000
  • Probably enough for a Batmobile, right? Like, a nice one. – $1,000,000
  • Ugh… I guess, charity… probably. – $1,000,000

And that adds up to approximately $223,999,900 leaving you with $100 to spend however you wish! Enjoy your new found wealth and remember, don’t spend it all in one place!

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Written by: Kevin Cole, Cullen Dolson, Lily Fryburg, Hannah Gutman