Tag Archives: Listicle

4 Stories That Prove Cheese Balls Are The Bad Boys of the Snack World

If the company you keep says something about the kind of person you are, then so too do the snacks you consume. Be it the cheese-flavored puffed-corn variety eaten directly from a jug or the more sophisticated, toothpick skewered party appetizer, the cheese ball has earned a reputation as the bad boy of the snack world. Here are 4 news stories that prove wherever cheese balls go, trouble follows:

1. Black Bear lured by cheese balls becomes jug-headed, is rescued by lasso-wielding B&B owner.

Anything consumed directly out of plastic jug is likely to stir up some kind of mischief (if only in our bowels) and is probably best avoided. You don’t have to tell that to the aptly named “Jug Head Bear,” a young black bear in Colorado who managed to get his head stuck in a discarded cheese ball jug.

A local bed and breakfast owner spotted the unlucky animal and decided to intervene – with his lasso, of course. After man and bear engaged in “a couple of good rolls in the grass,” the proper authorities arrived on the scene and Jug Head Bear was tranquilized and relieved of the jug. And you can bet that’s the last time he goes sniffing around after cheese balls.

2. Man throws cheese balls at woman’s car; woman retaliates by plowing over, killing man.

Nobody likes to have cheese balls thrown at their car, it’s just plain rude. However, killing the perpetrator in retaliation is a bit of an overreaction – even in Australia. An Australian court convicted a Sydney woman of murder and sentenced her to 18 years in prison for running over and killing a man for throwing cheese balls at her car. She was drunk and high at the time of the murder, so that may have influenced her overreaction, but then again, cheese balls are pretty infuriating.

3. Drive Defensively. You never know when a nut-covered cheese ball is going to fly through your windshield.

According to the Eagan Minnesota Police Blotter, on December 27, 2013, at 7:23 pm, someone “threw a “nut covered cheese ball” out of the window of a moving vehicle. The cheese ball hit the windshield of another vehicle and shattered it.

Clearly, something happened here, but what exactly? What series of events could have possibly led to a “nut-covered cheese ball” being thrown out the window of the moving vehicle? Did the cheese ball provoke some kind of heated exchange between the vehicle’s occupants? Was it a joke or were they simply disposing of an unwanted nut covered cheese ball? Alas, the world may never know, but we can be sure that whatever it was, it was nutty.

4. Cheese ball caper exposed when stolen goods fall out of thief’s shorts.

A Kingston, Ontario man attempted to steal a $7 cheese ball (That must be some fancy ball of cheese.) from a grocery store by stuffing it oh-so-casually down his shorts then making a break for the door. The poorly secured cheese ball tumbled out of the man’s shorts – right in front of security – and his plot was foiled. How embarrassing. The thief was apprehended and sentenced to 60 days in jail. That’s a long time to go without cheese balls.

So, the next time you reach for some cheese balls, remember these stories and choose the honey mustard pretzels instead. Honey mustard pretzels wouldn’t be caught dead on the Eagan Minnesota Police Blotter.

Patricia Grant

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The Annual’s Annual Back to School Checklist!

School’s back in session and you don’t want your child to enter the world of learning unprepared, so go over this handy list of must-haves before they leave the house.

  • Number two pencils
  • Lunch box
  • Three ring binders
  • A bucket of goat blood
  • A composition notebook
  • 5 unused candles
  • A packet of travel tissues
  • Safety scissors
  • A safety lighter
  • Websters pocket dictionary
  • An open mind
  • A copy of Magick in Theory and Practice by Aleister Crowley
  • College rule paper
  • Crayons
  • Party sparklers
  • Grandpa’s robe
  • A positive attitude!

Kevin Cole

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Five Unbelievable Facts That You Simply Won’t Believe

1. Most cars can be powered by corn alone

Perhaps you have noticed a shift towards gasoline that includes a percentage of Ethanol, a chemical compound partially derived from corn. Automotive companies have been under increasing pressure by oil lobbyists to cover up the fact that most modern cars can run efficiently on only a few ears of corn. In order to hide this, gas pipes have been restrained to a circumference that would only allow small pieces of baby corn to pass through.

2. David Schwimmer cannot swim

Contrary to his own namesake, Friends actor David Schwimmer has never been able to swim. A set PA for friends once described the infamous beach episode as the worst day of Schwimmer’s life. “He’s afraid of the water, wouldn’t even let his feet get wet.” the PA remarked, asking to remain anonymous, “The man spent the entire taping under a beach towel in a fetal position.”

3. Every “Bill Murray” twitter account is actually run by Bill Murray

Bill Murray is notoriously hard to get a hold of, he has no agent, no manager and chooses projects via a 1-800 number. Many believe he has avoided social media altogether, but sources working for Twitter confirm that every Bill Murray “parody” account is coming from the same IP Address. Twitter support has reached out to Murray on numerous occasions in an attempt to get these accounts verified but he won’t return their calls.

4. Lava is the coldest substance known to man

For decades scientists have led us to believe that Lava is unbearably hot, this is backed up by the popular belief that red=fire and if Lava were frigid, it would be ethereal blue. Consider this: The hottest flame is blue, so perhaps blue isn’t synonymous with the cold. The simple fact is that people don’t know lava is cold because they are too afraid of catching fire to touch it, and they are right to be afraid as lava is made from a unique chemical compound that will freeze a human being from the inside out.

5. Baseball is no longer the national pastime

No matter how often the phrase is said, it has been years since anyone played Baseball as it was intended when named the “National Pastime.” The original sport of Baseball used one base and, as was common in 1873, only white men could play. Players would use rubber mallets to bat leather balls at the man standing on home plate (the only base) until he was struck hard enough to collapse, players would then race to steal the base, often hitting one another with their mallets to gain domination. Times sure have changed.

Kevin Cole

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Hot Ways To Spend The Summer Solstice (and Survive the California Heatwave)

It’s the longest day of the year, alternatively, the atmosphere has provided us with some of the hottest temperatures on record. Regardless of where you are, things are getting hot and you can use these tips to survive the solstice.

  1. Gather your friends and stand in an abandoned pool until the heat compels you to host a functioning pool party.
  2. Break open your A/C Unit and stuff ice cubes into whatever empty space you can find.
  3. Casually browse Alaskan Airbnb listings
  4. Go streaking until you realize you are too hot and tired to run.
  5. Stand in the nude.
  6. Realizing the low cost of ice and syrups, open a Sno-cone stand and become a millionaire (it’s the longest day of the year, you have time).
  7. Start sweatin’ to the oldies!
  8. Purchase a cold-blooded lizard and learn its ways.
  9. Let the bastards get you down.
  10. Call your relatives and tell them you love them.
  11. Lay in bed as the sweat pools around you, slowly you will become one with the moisture in the air and evaporate.

Kevin Cole

26 Clickbait Articles That You Have to Read!

There are so many great articles on the web and you won’t believe what they’re titled!

  • This Man’s Wife Gave Birth To A Scorpion. His First Dad Joke Will Kill You!
  • 21 life hacks for computer hackers!
  • You’ll never believe what happened after this woman smiled at a man in a CVS!
  • Disney Princesses reimagined as iPhones!
  • A soldier came home from war and his dog literally spoke to him!
  • This video of a little girl learning her ABCs will give you faith in literacy!
  • 12 cats with a picture of Christ appearing in their fur; number seven even has stigmata!
  • The 15 gifts you asked for and didn’t get for Christmas; and the Toys R Us employees you should murder because of it!
  • Top ten gifs of a human penis exploding!
  • These real life ALF look-a-likes will have you questioning society!
  • Read these real theories about the Illuminati, and go undercover protecting the secrets!
  • See all the men your mother has had sex with! You’ll never guess which number I was!
  • Five best ways to get molten candle wax out of your anus.
  • Princess Charlotte, cute? Or demonic porcelain doll? Look at these pics and decide!
  • Weekly viral videos that will have you asking, should I floss more?
  • See the top 20 dead teeth of 2015!
  • 2015 Celebrity Pets Naughty List
  • Top twenty most boring celebrity deaths of the decade!
  • Eight adorable ways to style your hair with just a rusty nail!
  • What your Mac and cheese preferences say about your sex life!
  • Twelve simple tricks to perform mind control on animals! You won’t believe number eight!
  • Fifty slugs that look like Donald Trump
  • This man dressed up as a toilet and hid in a women’s restroom… What happened next will warm your heart!
  • 5 items in the room that are giving you cancer RIGHT NOW!
  • The top super foods that are available at your local Home Depot

Isabel Duarte, Briana Haynie,
Christine McQuaid, Emily PerperT.M. Scholtes

Truths We’re Too Thirsty To Put In Our Tinder Bios

Honesty is the best policy until it stops you from getting laid. Here’s to all the things we wish we could say:

  • Fat
  • Hater of Dogs
  • Hater of Nerd Shit
  • Can’t cook, won’t cook
  • Fun mix of inflated ego and self-loathing
  • NO GYM RATS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • Don’t worry about how you’ll tell my parents we met because you’re never meeting my parents?
  • Will cry at: series finales, traffic, everything else
  • Your dog smells bad, and also sucks
  • Who gives a shit how tall you are why are all of you so obsessed with this no one gives a hell
  • Probably bad at sex but you can do it to me anyway
  • We Will Never Actually Meet

Christine McQuaid & Claire