Tag Archives: Lists

4 Stories That Prove Cheese Balls Are The Bad Boys of the Snack World

If the company you keep says something about the kind of person you are, then so too do the snacks you consume. Be it the cheese-flavored puffed-corn variety eaten directly from a jug or the more sophisticated, toothpick skewered party appetizer, the cheese ball has earned a reputation as the bad boy of the snack world. Here are 4 news stories that prove wherever cheese balls go, trouble follows:

1. Black Bear lured by cheese balls becomes jug-headed, is rescued by lasso-wielding B&B owner.

Anything consumed directly out of plastic jug is likely to stir up some kind of mischief (if only in our bowels) and is probably best avoided. You don’t have to tell that to the aptly named “Jug Head Bear,” a young black bear in Colorado who managed to get his head stuck in a discarded cheese ball jug.

A local bed and breakfast owner spotted the unlucky animal and decided to intervene – with his lasso, of course. After man and bear engaged in “a couple of good rolls in the grass,” the proper authorities arrived on the scene and Jug Head Bear was tranquilized and relieved of the jug. And you can bet that’s the last time he goes sniffing around after cheese balls.

2. Man throws cheese balls at woman’s car; woman retaliates by plowing over, killing man.

Nobody likes to have cheese balls thrown at their car, it’s just plain rude. However, killing the perpetrator in retaliation is a bit of an overreaction – even in Australia. An Australian court convicted a Sydney woman of murder and sentenced her to 18 years in prison for running over and killing a man for throwing cheese balls at her car. She was drunk and high at the time of the murder, so that may have influenced her overreaction, but then again, cheese balls are pretty infuriating.

3. Drive Defensively. You never know when a nut-covered cheese ball is going to fly through your windshield.

According to the Eagan Minnesota Police Blotter, on December 27, 2013, at 7:23 pm, someone “threw a “nut covered cheese ball” out of the window of a moving vehicle. The cheese ball hit the windshield of another vehicle and shattered it.

Clearly, something happened here, but what exactly? What series of events could have possibly led to a “nut-covered cheese ball” being thrown out the window of the moving vehicle? Did the cheese ball provoke some kind of heated exchange between the vehicle’s occupants? Was it a joke or were they simply disposing of an unwanted nut covered cheese ball? Alas, the world may never know, but we can be sure that whatever it was, it was nutty.

4. Cheese ball caper exposed when stolen goods fall out of thief’s shorts.

A Kingston, Ontario man attempted to steal a $7 cheese ball (That must be some fancy ball of cheese.) from a grocery store by stuffing it oh-so-casually down his shorts then making a break for the door. The poorly secured cheese ball tumbled out of the man’s shorts – right in front of security – and his plot was foiled. How embarrassing. The thief was apprehended and sentenced to 60 days in jail. That’s a long time to go without cheese balls.

So, the next time you reach for some cheese balls, remember these stories and choose the honey mustard pretzels instead. Honey mustard pretzels wouldn’t be caught dead on the Eagan Minnesota Police Blotter.

Patricia Grant

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Hot Ways To Spend The Summer Solstice (and Survive the California Heatwave)

It’s the longest day of the year, alternatively, the atmosphere has provided us with some of the hottest temperatures on record. Regardless of where you are, things are getting hot and you can use these tips to survive the solstice.

  1. Gather your friends and stand in an abandoned pool until the heat compels you to host a functioning pool party.
  2. Break open your A/C Unit and stuff ice cubes into whatever empty space you can find.
  3. Casually browse Alaskan Airbnb listings
  4. Go streaking until you realize you are too hot and tired to run.
  5. Stand in the nude.
  6. Realizing the low cost of ice and syrups, open a Sno-cone stand and become a millionaire (it’s the longest day of the year, you have time).
  7. Start sweatin’ to the oldies!
  8. Purchase a cold-blooded lizard and learn its ways.
  9. Let the bastards get you down.
  10. Call your relatives and tell them you love them.
  11. Lay in bed as the sweat pools around you, slowly you will become one with the moisture in the air and evaporate.

Kevin Cole

Father’s Day Gifts for the Dad Who Has it All!

Purified Oxygen

Dads love breathing, studies show that it’s the thing they do most, but has your father ever inhaled pure oxygen? Probably not. Head over to any medical store and pick up an oxygen tank and breathing mask (it’s probably an over-the-counter kinda thing). You’re dad is going to love breathing this stuff! If he doesn’t want it, hold onto it for when he gets older and has no choice.

Bootlegged Jimmy Buffett Recordings

What better way to kick off the summer than with a mix of your dad’s favorite Jimmy Buffett tracks? He’ll feel right at home, listening to Margaritaville and shouting “SALT! SALT! SALT!” As drunken parrot-heads begin to overpower the music, promise him you’ll find a recording closer to the stage for his birthday.

A Trump Sticker

Whether or not your father plans to support Trump, he’s sure to have friends/siblings clinging on to that lifestyle choice. This gift may be less about giving him the chance to express himself politically and more about giving him a chance to blend in under the Trump regime. If he is a Trump supporter, perhaps the gift of a sticker will be enough to say “you don’t have to talk to me about politics anymore.”

A Free Pass on Caitlyn Jenner

God bless him, your dad really is trying to understand “this transgender thing.” He tries his best, but ultimately still screws up pronouns and uses the term “transgendered.” Still, it’s clear his heart is in the right place, so maybe let it slide for Father’s Day.

Mow the Lawn or Something

At your dad’s age, any excuse to get out of manual labor is more than welcome. You’ve got a free hour, use his mower and his gas and get the job done for him. Not only will he thank you, but maybe you’ll get ten bucks out of it, for old times sake.

A Trip to the Sea

What old man doesn’t want to feel like Hemingway in his prime? Take him out a boat, let his coarse hands take to a bottle of whiskey like an old friend. Then, bring him to a bar to meet an old friend where the two can get belligerent and start a fist fight. What fun!

A Neck Tie Made From Macaroni

Remind your father of the old days when you would make birthday cards out of construction paper and macaroni in art class. Of course, you’re both older now and he could use something a little more practical so make a cumbersome neck tie that he can show off to co-workers who still think you’re 6.

Promise Not To Put Him In A Home

It’s inevitable that you’ll have to allocate some of his social security to a nice rest home, but for now let’s live in a world where that doesn’t have to happen. Let dad ignorantly enjoy his freedom, stairways, and the opportunity to fall and get up on his own, he’ll really thank you for it.

Kevin Cole

26 Clickbait Articles That You Have to Read!

There are so many great articles on the web and you won’t believe what they’re titled!

  • This Man’s Wife Gave Birth To A Scorpion. His First Dad Joke Will Kill You!
  • 21 life hacks for computer hackers!
  • You’ll never believe what happened after this woman smiled at a man in a CVS!
  • Disney Princesses reimagined as iPhones!
  • A soldier came home from war and his dog literally spoke to him!
  • This video of a little girl learning her ABCs will give you faith in literacy!
  • 12 cats with a picture of Christ appearing in their fur; number seven even has stigmata!
  • The 15 gifts you asked for and didn’t get for Christmas; and the Toys R Us employees you should murder because of it!
  • Top ten gifs of a human penis exploding!
  • These real life ALF look-a-likes will have you questioning society!
  • Read these real theories about the Illuminati, and go undercover protecting the secrets!
  • See all the men your mother has had sex with! You’ll never guess which number I was!
  • Five best ways to get molten candle wax out of your anus.
  • Princess Charlotte, cute? Or demonic porcelain doll? Look at these pics and decide!
  • Weekly viral videos that will have you asking, should I floss more?
  • See the top 20 dead teeth of 2015!
  • 2015 Celebrity Pets Naughty List
  • Top twenty most boring celebrity deaths of the decade!
  • Eight adorable ways to style your hair with just a rusty nail!
  • What your Mac and cheese preferences say about your sex life!
  • Twelve simple tricks to perform mind control on animals! You won’t believe number eight!
  • Fifty slugs that look like Donald Trump
  • This man dressed up as a toilet and hid in a women’s restroom… What happened next will warm your heart!
  • 5 items in the room that are giving you cancer RIGHT NOW!
  • The top super foods that are available at your local Home Depot

Isabel Duarte, Briana Haynie,
Christine McQuaid, Emily PerperT.M. Scholtes

That Time of Year Again!

Well, another Halloween has come and gone, which means it is time to start planning those other upcoming holidays. You guessed it: I’m talking April Fools’ Day, 2016!

April Fools’ day is the one day of the year that brings friends and families together. You don’t want to leave them disappointed!

1. Incorporate other holiday lights to make everyone forget that it’s April. Look for Halloween items on clearance—you can even pick up a few decorations for Thanksgiving and Christmas! Heck, you can just leave all your decorations up the whole year, and never worry about putting them back in the attic!

2. Everyone absolutely loves loud, unexpected, annoying noises, so stock up on those air horns! Someone in the shower? AIRHORN! Putting away fine china? AIRHORN! Trying to get a good night’s sleep for work the next morning? DOUBLE AIRHORN! Haha, what a good prank!

3. Really ruin someone’s day at little to no expense for yourself. Wake up in the middle of the night, lift the toilet seat, then cover the bowl-hole with plastic wrap. Play the waiting game, until the prank-ee awakens and goes to relieve himself. Laugh uncontrollably as you hear his cries of anguish when he gets urine and/or other bodily fluids all over himself and the floor, then snicker quietly as you listen to your victim search for cleaning products.

4. Humans love a good mystery. This year, surprise any guests by hiding a dead body in the backyard for everyone to find! They will spend hours (or maybe years!) going over what happened and may even get the police involved! This is a prank that will go on and on, maybe for generations.

5. While everyone is still fresh from murder, make a spot of coffee or tea. Be sure to warn them that it is very, very hot. Then when they go to have a sip? A spring-loaded snake pops out! Got ’em!

If someone tells you they don’t like your jokes or gets mad at you, kindly remind them that “it was only a prank” and they need to “calm down.” This will clear things right up.

No one wants to hear “All I Want for Christmas is You” as the clock chimes midnight on November 1. Thanksgiving, Christmas…planning for these is so passé, and your pent-up holiday cheer is leeching my own reserves. Let’s look forward to the highlight of the year, together: April 1, 2016.

T. M. Scholtes

78 Words That Perfectly Describe Fall

  1. Colorful
  2. Leaves
  3. Chilly
  4. Nights
  5. Warm
  6. Pumpkin 
  7. Spice
  8. Latte
  9. That
  10. My
  11. Dad 
  12. Was 
  13. Drinking
  14. When 
  15. He 
  16. Told
  17. Me
  18. He
  19. Was 
  20. Moving
  21. To
  22. Florida
  23. To 
  24. Live
  25. With
  26. His
  27. Future
  28. Wife
  29. Autumn 
  30. Piles
  31. Of
  32. Fallen
  33. Leaves
  34. Raked
  35. Together
  36. In
  37. Rage
  38. Alone
  39. Dreaming
  40. Of 
  41. Rake
  42. Hitting
  43. Autumn
  44. In
  45. The 
  46. Face
  47. Leather
  48. Boots
  49. Stomping
  50. On
  51. Autumn’s 
  52. Hand
  53. Scarves
  54. Suffocating
  55. Autumn’s
  56. Mouth 
  57. I
  58. HATE
  59. AUTUMN
  61. Sigh……
  62. Maybe
  63. I
  64. Should
  65. Give
  66. Autumn
  67. Chance
  68. Maybe
  69. She 
  70. Isn’t
  71. So
  72. Bad
  73. She
  74. Does 
  75. Have
  76. A
  77. Pool

Briana Haynie

What Are You Going To Do Next?

Emily Perper

If you’re a recent graduate or in any sort of period of transition whatsoever, you know the feeling of well-intentioned interrogation: variations on “What are you planning to do next?”

I’m wrapping up a service year with the Episcopal Service Corps, and you’d think my potential career opportunities were the talk of all of Baltimore. “Hey, how are you?” escalates quickly to “Have you thought about what you’re going to do after this year is up?”  Sometimes I give a beneficent if vague “I’m sending out some resumes,” but at this point, I’ve basically snapped, because…

Because sending 200 resumes doesn’t guarantee a job. Because this economic downturn has been unspeakably hard for recent graduates who were told to go to college, work hard, accrue debt, get a good job, work hard, and pay off the debt accrued. Because “good job” turns out to be relative at best and nonexistent at worst. Because unpaid internships have become an abusive economy. Because it’s not anyone’s business what your survival and well-being entails unless you want it to be their business. 

I’m pissed off. I’m tired. Fraught with cynicism, snark and self-satisfaction, here are my current responses to “What are you going to do after your service year?” and the responses to my responses (which are parenthetical).

Deadpan for best results.

  1. I’m committing aliyah and joining the Israeli Defense Force.
  2. I’m setting world records for binge-watching on Netflix.
  3. I’m reuniting with my vinyl collection.
  4. I’m moving to L.A. to focus on my acting career.
  5. I’m moving to Brooklyn to focus on my writing career.
  6. I’m moving to Nashville to focus on my music career.
  7. I’m going to be a temporary resident of a permanent site in the suburbs in order to serve as house manager and canine companion.
  8. I’m moving in with my parents.
  9. I’m going to live in a house with air conditioning for the first time in six years.
  10.  I’m leading nuclear warhead awareness tours in the Eastern European bloc.
  11. I’m going back to high school. (“Oh, so you’re going to teach?” “No.”)
  12.  I’m going to write a series of response poems to Shel Silverstein’s body of work, because the dude was a bona fide creeper, and the world needs to know about it. Seriously. Wiki it.
  13. I don’t know. What do you think I should do?
  14. I don’t know. What did you do after [insert transitional stage here]?
  15. Actually, I’m a freelance editor. (Insert disbelieving looks.)
  16. Actually, I’m a freelance reporter. (Insert pitying looks.)
  17. Actually, I do a bit of blogging. (Insert pitying looks, a pat on the back and an “Oh, well, I’m sure something will turn up.”)
  18. Actually, I haven’t even thought about it yet! Still have two weeks to go, right? (Best if you want a horrified stare.)
  19.  You know what? I’m really sick of that question. (Insert defensive retort and anxious laugh.)
  20. You know what? I’ve decided it’s going to be a surprise. Wouldn’t want to ruin it for you. Or me.

Honestly, the best advice I’ve got isn’t my advice at all. It’s Cheryl Strayed’s advice. Strayed writes the “Dear Sugar” advice column for the website The Rumpus, and here is her reply to a letter from an English teacher who needed help fending off the career critics:

“You don’t have to get a job that makes others feel comfortable about what they perceive as your success. You don’t have to explain what you plan to do with your life. You don’t have to justify your education by demonstrating its financial rewards. You don’t have to maintain an impeccable credit score. Anyone who expects you to do any of those things has no sense of history or economics or science or the arts…

I hope when people ask … you’ll say: Continue my bookish examination of the contradictions and complexities of human motivation and desire; or maybe just: Carry it with me, as I do everything that matters. And then smile very serenely until they say oh.”

Good luck out there, sweet potatoes.

What Are You Going To Do Next? was originally published in The Annual #4!

Purchase your copy today!