Tag Archives: Living at home

9 Euphemisms to say “I Live With My Parents”

It doesn’t matter that it is not for lack of trying, working hard, or otherwise abasing yourself to find other rooming arrangements that you awoke one morning to discover yourself transformed into a giant leech. What matters is that people will ask. Relatives probe. Prospective employers gauge. Dates are curious. Your dentist mindlessly inquires. All will judge you ruthlessly, regardless of whether they have a subscription to That Magazine and its latest investigation of your financially doomed generation. You cannot possibly gurgle the dread phrase one more time.

Luckily, I have 9 euphemistic responses that will serve you well, whomever may ask,“So, where are you living now?”

A quick catch-all, best delivered when passing through and quickly exiting a room:

1) “No-income housing.”

For coworkers, ex-next-door-neighbors, lucky sots with paid internships, and peers with 401ks:

2) “I rent a room from some nice old folks in town.”

Impress a prospective lover or literary-minded companion:

3) “Did you know that Samuel Beckett spent time in a mental hospital and lived with his parents? Let’s just say I’m halfway to being a genius…”

Respond to friends in social services or medical professions:

4) “Group home with family systems based arrangement.”

In reply to acquaintances at your local anarchist/coffee shop/bike repair/[tool]library/vegan scone atelier:

5) “Millennial squat.”

This one’s for your punny, environmentalist pals:

6) “In the tree from which I sprung. I must bough to my parents’ authority. I wood leaf if I could, but my income is like the American Ash– hopelessly besieged by the emerald borer beetle of student loan payments.”

For religious acquaintances, do-gooders and people concerned about why you’re walking down the sidewalk looking disheveled, crying in the middle of the day:

7) “I am not homeless, I am homefull. I runneth over with home.”

Best delivered with a haunted air that quashes further questions:

8) “Let’s just say, I dwell where three generations brush their teeth in one bathroom, at the same time.”

When you must be nakedly honest and to the point:

9) “I work two days a week as a ghost tour guide.”

Lydia Hadfield

Essential Rules for Living with your Parents

At this time of year, many college graduates come to realize that after a three month job hunt a degree doesn’t always guarantee employment. At least, that’s what a few of us at The Annual have discovered. Now comes the time to swallow your pride and move in with your parents, should you find yourself in this situation be sure to follow these simple rules:

  1. Remember how your days of sneaking out of the house were a thing of the past? Guess what, you have to do it again. Your parents tell you, you’re an adult and there’s no problem with going out late, but let’s face it, you know they’re going to ask you the following day where you’ve been. So commence the sneaking once again.
  2. You’ve been gone for a while, and since you’ve been gone for a while, your parents have gotten more relaxed in their own home, probably just as relaxed as the time before they even had you, and when I say relaxed, I mean, when the boat in your parents’ bedroom is a rockin’, just stay away from the door.
  3. Get ready to learn new things about your parents that you never knew before. You’re probably thinking what could my parents possibly tell me that I don’t know already? Well, guess what, you’re wrong. Your parents, know that you’re an adult getting back from college, and your parents will view you a little differently and let you in on few secrets about what they did when they were your age. Some stuff will be fucked up, but deal with it.
  4. Never eat more food than they do. If you eat more than them, they will be more inclined to rant to you about buying groceries.
  5. Try to get a part time job while you’re living with your parents. Cash is always the best part about having a job. But the less time you’re at home and more at your job is always a good thing; the longer you’re at home in a day the more your parents are going to ask what you’re doing with your life.
  6. Should you choose to invest your time in a personal project (for example, a humor magazine) and plan to work on it in your underwear, do so in your own room with the door shut.
  7. Expect the police to be called on you at least once because you committed the crime of not calling your parents and filling them in on your whereabouts.

Nicolas Contreras | Kevin Cole | Briana Haynie

Support the Annual and receive humor every bimonth for only $20 a year!