Tag Archives: Lydia Hadfield

Christmas Song of the Week!

This week, The Annual offered Annual reader Chuck Moulder, retired community college professor, Rolling Stone subscriber and armchair musicologist, the opportunity to choose our The Christmas Song of the Week. We caught up with Chuck in his Frederick, Maryland home to listen to, and discuss his choice.

The Annual (Bill Shy): Chuck, I see you are in your armchair next to the Christmas tree-

Chuck Moulder: Yep. Got a Christmas beer here.

TA: Looks like part of a seasonal six pack, Chuck.

CM: Everybody gives ‘em to me. Holiday booze sets. My current wife. The kids. The neighbors. Friends. That one is Linda, my lovely wife’s present to me. The whiskey miniatures are Jude, my oldest. The stouts are Martha, my dear youngest. Rita and Michelle went in on the Sam Adams twinpack.

TA: Is everyone home for the holidays?

CM: Oh they’re doing their own thing.

TA: I see you have a beer in each hand.

CM: I’m ready. Shoot.

TA: Chuck, what Christmas Song would you like to select for The Annual’s Christmas Song of the Week?

CM: Let’s take it one line at a time.

TA: Oh. No, you can just-

CM: The moon is right!

TA: Ah, Paul McCartney’s ‘Wonderful-

CM: The moon is right!… Have you ever seen the moon, Bill?

TA: Well, yes, but-

CM: The moon is right! The question is: Is there a better first line to a Christmas song? The answer is: No. You don’t think of the sun at Christmastime, do you?

TA: Can’t say that I-

CM: The moon. Mother Mary’s womb. The halo of the Christchild like the very prenumbra of our lunar friend. The. Moon. Egg-like, a subtle reference to Paul’s relationship with the Eggman, John Lennon. Am I wrong?

TA: Um-

CM: The moon is right!

TA: I’m worried, Chuck, a little concerned, that this interview is going to exceed my word limit if you go through the whole-

CM: The spirits up!

TA: If you go through line by-

CM: Don’t crowd me. I’m rolling here. I’m vibing on this, here, okay? Do you know the term ‘vibing’?

TA: Yes.

CM: The spirits up. Concise. Eloquent. A story in one line. Pure Paul. Good ol’ Paul, right there. Is it secular? Is it religious, this spirit? Yes and yes.

(Pause)

CM: We’re here tonight!

TA: I’ll put it on. I’ve got it on my phone-

CM: Not yet! We’re here tonight, Bill. You and me and Christmas. The wife? No. What’s she doin’? Something. Where are the kids? They’re grown, but they don’t call. We’re here tonight!

[The Annual Reporter mutters something indistinct]

[Editor’s Note: 35 minutes later]

[Sound of a bottle opening.]

CM: McCartney’s Christmas is everyone’s Christmas. The kids practicing some crap all year long, you don’t know what it is. They don’t know what it means. Ding dong! Doesn’t matter. It’s just that feeling, y’know? Y’know, the feeling? It’s indistinct. It’s simple.

TA: Simply-

CM: HAVING A WONDERFUL CHRISTMASTIME!

TA: Right, right. So, for you, this song distills what your Christmas is all about into-

CM: Oh Bill. Bill, Bill, Bill. Let’s go deep.

TA: Deep?

CM: Paul and I, I feel like I can call him Paul, y’know? Paul and I go way back.

TA: When was the first time you heard-

CM: It’s more than that Bill. Paul McCartney and I share so…so much.

TA: You haven’t actually…? Have you met-

CM: Have you had a one-legged woman break your heart and steal your money?

TA: What?

CM: Paul and I have. Mm, mm, mm. Paul and I have. Second wives man. We’re just simple men. SIMPLY HAVING A WONDERFUL CHRISTMASTIME! Then, she’s young, she has your kid; it’s better without that extra woman leg crowding the bed, am I right? Then: POW!

TA: Wait, what?

CM: Heather Mills and my second ex, Millie Herzberg! Let it wash over you. The haze. The Christmastime. What is it about? You can’t know. Lift a glass. Don’t look down. It’s good, you’ve gotta keep it light and hazy. That’s the best way to Chriss’miss [sic]. You’re alone. The choir of kids, where are they? Jingle them bells and don’t look down. LIFT A GLASS!

TA: Chuck.

CM: We’re here tonight. And that’s enough.

TA: Thank you, Chuck. I think that is enough.

Interviewer: Bill Shy

 

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The Best Names for Children Conceived on Independence Day:

Fireworks weren’t the only thing banging last nigh, and statistically someone reading this has to be pregnant so consider this your one-stop-shop for baby names!

  • Gloria
  • Mustang
  • Texas
  • Patriot
  • Firework
  • Weiner
  • Sparkler
  • Freefire
  • Sandal
  • Cornhole
  • Kegstand
  • Rocket
  • Yard!!
  • Freedoom.
  • L’il Spark, or Sparky….Cuz everyone knows that if a spark from a firework lands on you, you get pregnant.
  • Baker, for the park in which they were conceived.
  • “America”…after the beer that inspired the conception
  • Pabst
  • Katy Perry, as inspired by firework
  • George Washington
  • Hotdog

Lisa Burl, Isabel DuarteGiovanni Kavota,
Lydia HadfieldEmily PerperT.M. Scholtes

Crowdfunded Comedy: Krimby Tales

From its inception, The Annual was meant to be a place that could foster new ideas and content from its contributors. Over the past few months Lydia Hadfield has consistently been suppling new material for the site and characters for The Last Hurrah. She went above and beyond this past holiday season when apropos of nothing, she wrote a short christmas play to be read on The Last Hurrah. It was aptly titled “A Christmas Play.”

Over the past two months, we have been working to turn the play into a short film, one which promises to be a 25 minute spectacle turning Christmas into Krimby. We’ll be teaming with Stephen Sues and Annual artist David Luna to animate portions the tales themselves. Familiar faces from The Last Hurrah will join us on screen to bring the story to life but we need your help to make this the best possible Krimby Film ever made!

On Sunday night (in lieu of The Last Hurrah) we began production on Krimby Tales, occupying the Curious Iguana (an independent bookstore in Frederick) to shoot the film’s first scene.

Image-1

We’re actively working to bring this tale to life but the bulk of the film will eventually be animated and that’s where we need your help! Give the project a look on Kickstarter and please consider making a donation to the cause. There are plenty of Krimby Awards for your perusal.

Click Here to Support Krimby Tales!

Updated Sayings: For the 21st Century!

We are living in the grim early days of the millennia.
Some of our old idioms just aren’t cuttin’ it!
They speak of a world long gone. Let’s give some of those timeworn sayings a re-branding! (Or as they used to say ‘a makeover!’)

I. “Justice is blind”

What? Justice is your six year old neighbor. If we’re talking about the court of law and it’s requisite fairness then…What?

UPDATE:“The system is blind and carries a shotgun”

II. “Kill two birds with one stone”

Who kills birds with stones? Even little Justice has a bb gun.

UPDATE:“Kill two birds with one drone”

III. “You’ve upset my apple cart”

Uh…Apple cart? You can keep the Apple if you want, but give it a new spin.

UPDATE:“You’ve thrown my phone in the toilet!”

IV. “You’re the apple of my eye”

UPDATE(HIPSTER VERSION):“You’re the Ashmead’s Kernel of my eye.
UPDATE(PROLE VERSION):“You’re the celebrity of my life-screen.”

Compiled by Ms. Ribble-Kuntz

My Disgusting Condition

Dear Friends and Family,

I am writing this email to tell you all that I appreciate your inquiries about my health. As you may have heard, I am in the hospital.
I apologize for not contacting anyone sooner. You will have been confused. I am not usually so private. However, my condition is too appallingly disgusting to discuss.

I sincerely appreciate your sympathy cards, flowers and concern. However, it would be best for everyone if no one visited me during this time. Trust me, my ailment is not something that merely makes one cringe in sympathy. Every disgusting thing you can think of is practically dinner table talk compared to what I’ve come down with!

So please, don’t ask me about it. Definitely don’t ask where the affected area lies. I’m not kidding. I didn’t even know I HAD that part of anatomy! You don’t want to know either. Yup, you’ve got one too! Though luckily, it’s healthy, or you’d be where I am: With tubes shoved up there, painful hourly palpitations of the area by the roughest nurse in the ward. The oozing! The drainage! The gas-masked attendants with their bandoliers of tools! Etc. LOL.

I don’t want to be brave, but the prognosis for this type of thing varies widely. I am assured that the medical team here at Infernal Christ is doing their best. Those of you who know me well know I’m not the type to go lightly! In some of the other rare cases, the victim succumbs in four weeks and has to be buried in a stainless steel coffin so the stench doesn’t permeate through the ground into town aquifers.

Then again, some of the few sufferers have practically polkaed competitively for the rest of their lives. A shocking percentage of survivors, in fact. Those lucky ones merely carry a small, tender scar that must be nursed in secret. I was always more of a mazurka type, but I pray for polka now, I can tell you!

Wonderful people that you are, you will want to know how you can help, what you can do. Meals are of little use to me, though I am constantly compelled to swallow objects. It’s a side effect of my medication.

My poor gerbil, Huxtavious, is well attended to, as he was quarantined with me. Gerbils can be carriers of my condition, though they express no symptoms or, it seems, sympathy.

Do not by any means stop by my house. I’m afraid my ferns will just have to be a casualty of this sad affair. They will die of thirst, or by fire, if the public health department gets its way and torches my abode in the name of training new fire fighters. So be it. My house is not contagious. However, the memories of the (many) EMS workers who responded to my (Very Disgusting) complaint were so traumatized (I repeat: It Is Too Disgusting to Mention) that they’ve sued to have it burned down for threrapuetic purposes.

In short, I love you all dearly, but please do not visit or even call. (I find it difficult to speak from shame.) I hope that you all we see me in a few short weeks, dancing merrily in the Market Street beer gardens. However, if the worst should happen, you should probably start drinking bottled water, and/or move out of town, driving at speed with headphones blasting happy music in your ears because the Post-Mortem Sounds…I lack the strength to go into!

Appallingly yours;

Lydia Hadfield

Minute by Minute Speculation About What Happened During the 30 minutes Ted Cruz and Ben Carson Spent in the Closet Together

Recent reports have an uncovered an attempt by Ted Cruz and Ben Carson to set aside their differences while meeting privately in a storage closet. As the GOP fights to get into the room where it happens, a nation is focused solely on what happened in that closet. Once the news hit the web, our political analyst Lydia Hadfield began to break down the pair’s secret meeting.

Minute 1: Cruz wants to turn the light off, Carson wants the light left on.
Minute 2: Carson explains that “scary ghoulies” come out when the lights are turned off.
Minute 3: Cruz tells Carson he doesn’t want God to see what happens next
Minute 4: Carson knocks over a janitor’s bucket.
Minute 5: Cruz whisper-yells at Carson, “Now everyone will know we’re in here!”
Minute 6: Carson starts to cry.
Minute 7: Cruz pulls Carson upright when Carson is about to slide down the wall and sit in the puddle.
Minute 8: Cruz cradles Carson’s head to his breast and softly starts to sing “Memories” from Cats.
Minute 9: Carson comments that it’s a nice song, and he can hear Cruz’s chest buzzing with music.
Minute 10: Cruz says, “Before I say anything, let me say, I love my wife.”
Minute 11: Carson says that “all females are sacred when they are in the womb, or pouch if they’re a marsupial.” Cruz asks Carson if he can hear his heartbeat.
Minute 12: Carson listens.
Minute 13: Carson listens some more.
Minute 14: “Whose heartbeat, yours or mine?” Carson asks for clarification.
Minute 15: “Mine,” says Cruz, very slowly.
Minute 16: Carson presses his ear harder against Carson’s soft, denim encased breast
Minute 17: Carson listens
Minute 18: Carson closes his eyes and listens.
Minute 19: Carson tells Cruz he can turn out the lights because he feels safe now.
Minute 20: Cruz shoves Carson petulantly away and asks if he can hear how hurt his heart is by the mean things they’ve been saying about each other.
Minute 21: Carson says that he is not a heart specialist. He begins an anecdote about a “splinky” brain tumor he encountered when he was actively practicing.
Minute 22: Cruz finds a snack-size packet of Fritos on the janitorial shelf and begins stress eating.
Minute 23: Carson doesn’t remember what happened next in the story. He sits in the puddle and prays to God to help remind him.
Minute 24: Cruz tells Carson that he often thought they could be pals if they weren’t rivals.
Minute 25: Carson holds a finger to his lips to indicate that he is praying, not listening.
Minute 26: Cruz begins to pray silently, acting like he is asking God for help in speaking to Carson, but really he is asking God to forgive him for breaking his strict campaign-trail diet, and for God to please not let Heidi notice the Fritolicious scent on his breath.
Minute 27: Carson winds up his anecdote recalling that God spoke to him in a mid-surgery nap and told him where to find the tumor.
Minute 28: Carson notices a dead cricket by the puddle when he is sitting. Points it out to Cruz.
Minute 29: Cruz gasps, “Jesus Christ!” He hates crickets and begins monologue about the subject and how it stemmed from a fourth grade sleepover
Minute 30: Carson nods, “Jesus spoke to me through that cricket too. And he says we should stop saying so many mean things about each other.”
Minute 31: Mild arguing about who should leave the closet first. Cruz leaves. Carson stays for forty eight more minutes by himself.

Lydia Hadfield

Good Christian? How Many Of These Things Are You Giving Up For Lent?

Lent is upon us and for the next six weeks Christians will be giving up anything from chocolate to watching TV. We’ve compiled 52 essential things to quit for lent, see how many you’re giving up and tell your friends how good a Christian you are!

1-3: Fallen Angel; 4-10: Decent Christian; 11-20: Good Christian; 21-30: Altar boy; 31-40: Disciple; 41-51: John The Baptist
52: Pope Francis

  • Flossing
  • Faith in Christ
  • Lean Pockets
  • The type of art where you make paintings out of your vomit
  • Sharing things on Facebook before doing 5 seconds of research to see if it’s made up
  • Telling everyone that the fish jumped out of the water and somehow got its mouth stuck on your penis by itself
  • Roller-blades (but not skates)
  • Making every bun a pretzel bun
  • Using the words “correctomundo” and “fo-sho” — See also: “epic”
  • Alcohol over 18% (ok, maybe 31%)
  • Indulgent chuckling
  • Ironic appropriation of AAVE
  • Having sex with your friends’ boyfriends (I heard Jesus would really appreciate it)
  • Pro-life bumper stickers
  • Complain-a-bragging
  • Eye contact
  • Chocolate flavored prophylactics
  • Asking to speak with your manager immediately
  • Taking all your self-loathing and personal frustrations out on the Kardashian/West family
  • Thinking about the country of Africa to make you feel better about your problems
  • Answering incriminating questions
  • Self-respect
  • The physical limitations of gravity
  • Using coupons
  • Your virginity
  • ALL television (but, like, TV-television. Not computer television. that’s different.)
  • Buzzfeed
  • Über and everything they stand for
  • Instagramming my breakfast
  • The Annual
  • “Wonderwall” by Oasis
  • Plotting revenge
  • Making ‘Fetch’ happen
  • Catching up on Game of Thrones before the next season
  • Having earbuds in for the sole purpose of not talking to your co-workers
  • Dipping triscuits in straight-up frosting
  • Wiping
  • Cleaning the litter boxes
  • Pooping in the litter boxes
  • CRAZY TALK
  • Football
  • Pumpkin Spice Lattes and Ugg boots
  • My Sherpa
  • My Sharona
  • My Giant
  • The Mayan Calendar
  • Mylanta
  • Lionel Ritchie’s Greatest Hits
  • Tickling bystanders
  • Walking up to unsuspected people whispering “I like the way your breath smells in the morning.”
  • Taking selfies of selfies
  • Drinking Jack and milk

Lisa Burl, Kevin ColeIsabel Duarte, Hannah Gutman, Lydia Hadfield,
David Luna, James McGarvey, Christine McQuaid, T.M. Scholtes