- If you fart 13 times in a row, you will lose a friend.
- If you walk under a short ladder, you will suffer knee pain.
- A trail of menstrual blood will lead a bear to your campsite.
- If you leave your shoes outside during a full moon, the Shadow King will walk in them.
- If you eat lots of bananas during your first trimester of pregnancy, you will give birth to a primate.
- If a black rhino crosses your path, you are extinct.
Ricky, you got some ‘splainin to do!
- I can’t stand Jeff [set production assistant], what a twit!
- You thought Tina and Amy were tough? Well they were just the kool-aid, it’s time for Jim Jones’ final service!
- (Giggle) Just a (giggle) with the hair like a (giggle, giggle) his (giggle) it’s just a raccoon fucking a donkey, innit?
- There are plenty of wonderful films up for awards tonight like The SHARTian — my mistake, that’s The Martian
- I swear if Jeff crosses my eye again I’ll have ‘im done in like Princess Di.
Course y’know, american cheese is just (giggle) emmental and red leicester shat out by a diarhettic buffalo that’s just (giggle) that’s just seen a raccoon fucking a donkey, innit?
- Oh Angelina, that dress is simply horrid!
- Goo goo, Gaga!
- Yeah, John Hamm’s put on a few, maybe he should lay off the beef.
- Git over here Jeff, you little shit! I’ll bash your goddamn head in! (hysteric giggles) I don’t care!
(giggle) righ’, righ’, so (giggle) her (giggle) just like a li’l, like a l’il, (wheeze-giggle) in her, in ‘er (englishteeth baring giggle) wot, like a, like a, (giggle, giggle) FUCKING RACOON FUCKING A FUCKING DONKEY? INNIT? INNIT? innitinnitinnitINNIT?
It seems that after last night’s festivities, Gervais should start planning his apology tour.
Live from The Last Hurrah, a staged reading of Lydia Hadfield’s latest production. A tale of a woman in search of gifts who comes to learn much more about Christmas than she could have ever anticipated.
A Christmas Play
Written by Lydia Hadfield
A 13 Tweet story & lullaby
Oncet thar war ae Humble Beast, innocent of gnawledge of Chrizmby, Kris Kinglejaws & Krunk Claws and their waeys. De Beast snoozled in peace
From sweet embraze of warm winter sleepins de Beast falls into de cold clutches of consciousness by rudely awakens most rudely (sore rudely)
Und horrid patesmack whar delivered upon de Beast’s head by a grumple of grave countenance. Yuz, the terrible Kris Kringlejaws waked d Beast
“Awaken!”Screamt Kris Kringlejaws, walloping de Beast most fierce. “Ow!” Cried Beastie, “Why” “Crimbus is NIGH!”answered the jawsome Kris
“Observeth the Crimby with sanctimonious revere or suffer!” Screamt Kringlejaws, “Jeebzy Lurd died 4u!” “Observeth how?” whimpered de Beast
Kris: “Begin by spreading ❤ + ! throughout the land!” “Oh…that sounds nice,” Beastie mused. “Shuttup! I’m not finished yet!”snarled Kris
“I pile all Crimbyrelics on yr back! Tinsel, glitter, presents, figurines in all materials to remind others of our piety, ornaments, stuff-”
Kringlejaw loaded, strapped and be-burdened the one happae and gentle Beast with “trappings, bamboozlery, wishes, losses 40% off signs-”
Beloaded with bejingles the Beast roared through the snow/to bring Crimby Crimby wherever he go/at first it was fun/but it got ugly quick-!
whan they ran inter Krunk Kringle and hiz eejitfriend, Nick. They 2 leapt onto the burdend Beast’s back! “Yah!” dey Screamt. “Onwart! Attak!
Faster d Beast tore thru d townes! Leave he giftes and relicks but also panick! Krunk Klaus he threw Bottles! In thar wake they disaster’d!
Til exhaust they collapse, in froze glitterknell. Long do they sleep til they hear CrimbyBell! They rise w/the sound + charge on in Crimbiz!
The 3 goad d Beast with sharp jinglespurs! to Bringge us <3+!+fresh hell. Onwardx2! Into the night! Be not 2 afraide my childe, sleep tight.
–Faithfully related by Damne Lydia Hadfield
I never would’ve thought, I’d end up in the police station on Black Friday. Not even if someone gave me a million dollars to believe it. The first person I called was my dear friend Denise to tell her that’s where I was- and I had to tell her, you know, so she’d get true story, not whatever rumors were floating around. It was the most ridiculous little thing! Some people said I bit a child, but they don’t know the whole story. Anyway, when I called Denise up to explain that I was calling from the police station and might miss her Heifer fund charity party-guess what’s the first thing she says? She says, “Oh my god. Were you involved in the rice cooker riot at the Paradise Loft?” That’s the first thing that comes to her mind! And I thought she knew me!
Anyone who knows me knows I know that the Loft’s rice cookers are nothing to fight over. That place is good for free trade bath care products and nothing else. And I thought, how could Denise think I’m that kind of person? For over five Black Fridays, I’ve hit the stores online. Right after midnight. I’m done at 3 or 4 in the morning. Same sales. Smaller carbon footprint. That’s what I say. I wasn’t out shopping. I even have the groceries delivered. I was just out walking for exercise. In a park, no less.
It was around noon and I was still fairly tired from shopping online until 4 am. I was exhausted in fact and quite hungry. So I decided to reward myself with a little treat, and bought a hot pretzel from the stand in the park. I found the nearest bench. I was really very hungry. Starving! Then! In a matter of seconds! This family with a dozen skinny children piles onto my bench! I’m about to take my first mouthful when this little girl tries to grab the pretzel right out of my hands! Now, her unstable mother later claimed that the little girl wanted to take a closer look at my ring! Ha! The mother claims that I bit the girl’s hand then clutched my pretzel to my chest! Ridiculous. Utterly ridiculous. I wouldn’t have clutched some salty thing to my new tracksuit. What really happened is this little girl was reaching for my pretzel just as I was taking a bite out of it! She practically stuck her fingers in my mouth! My luck, a policeman just happened to be patrolling this section of the park when this crazy bitch –excuse my language– when the girl’s mother was raving, practically abusing me, and there’s this little brat screaming, crying, bleeding…Ugh! Well. Bail was settled quickly enough, but the whole incident was an outrageous waste of an afternoon.
I was pretty rattled, truth be told! But the thing that really made me feel uncomfortable was what Denise said on the phone. I mean, I was at the police station, Denise was accusing me of being in a rice cooker riot and suddenly I felt like I was just a few misunderstandings away from having my whole character re-branded! So, right there, in jail, on the phone with Denise, I ended up buying like thirty Heifer fund chickens for some village. Just to feel a little more in control. Because if you don’t own your own character what do you have? Right? That was the thing that really struck me. Thankfully, even with the economy and all, I still have some financial integrity. There were murmurs, of course. There was that 5 minute news spot. The Givers Gold Circle nearly shunned me…However, as they say! “Anything irreplaceable is not worth having anyway.” I made a good showing at all the usual fundraisers and events. My holiday parties were their usual triumph. All the silly little rumors died down pretty quickly, I can tell you that. We’ve all recovered very well.