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Easter Weekend Sale!

EasterBunny

This Easter weekend use the checkout code RABBITSTEW to get $2 off your order at The Annual Store.

This offer is valid through Sunday, and available with all items in the store. That means, $3 magazines, $23 subscriptions, and $5.50 bundles!

So hop off that cross and get some sweet discounted comedy!

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A Comedic Sein-uation

Andrew Michaels

Has anyone ever told you that what happens on TV almost never happens in real life? At that moment, you get that frustrating feeling in the pit of your stomach, arguing with yourself over whether or not to stick up for “your” show, or just let the person take the win.

Okay, so it is highly unlikely that Monica could afford that fancy apartment in New York City on her own in the show “Friends.” It is also unlikely that friends like Cory, Shawn, and Eric in “Boy Meets World” are always able to fix their relationships with one another after countless fights and debacles. 

But I am here to tell you that it is possible to get that win. I found this out three years ago. And the show compared to was “Seinfeld.”

One evening, my family and I decided to try this new restaurant in town called Morgan’s. My mother informed us that her good friend—let’s call him “Steve”—was the head chef and would prepare our meal himself. Upon our arrival, he greeted us and guided us to a table for four.

After we ordered our food, I excused myself from the table and went to the restroom. As I entered, I was greeted once again by Steve, who must have entered only a few seconds before me. I proceeded with my business and began to wash my hands.  It was at this exact moment when I noticed him using the urinal.

For any man, the silence between two men in a bathroom is, for lack of a better word, uncomfortable. I have been in this predicament too many times, and one of the two men always believe it is an appropriate time to start a conversation.

“So, how’s the family?” Steve asked.

“Good,” I mumble.

Seriously?  We’re going to talk about my family during this time?  Similar to the TV show scenario earlier, I keep my thoughts to myself.  Before long, Steve left, but there was something was missing; some post-bathroom ritual. He didn’t wash his hands.

I left the bathroom, and I sat back down at our table, feeling utterly disgusted with what I just witnessed. Now, I had to live with the thought of Steve’s unwashed hands touching my food.

Suddenly, I remembered why this situation felt so familiar. The very incident I experienced five minutes ago also occurred in the hit television series “Seinfeld.”

In the episode “The Pie,” Jerry and his girlfriend go to eat at her father’s pizza restaurant. At one point, Jerry goes to the restroom and sees her father not wash his hands after using the facilities. Jerry is left watching her father prepare their meal with his soiled hands.

Wow, I thought. This is kind of freaky. I had never been in a scenario that happened just like it had on a TV show. The comical spin that Seinfeld put on the idea had transferred into my reality. While some may have found this “sein-uation” to be rather disturbing, I found it to be both gross and hilarious.

In the end, I was successful in coercing my parents to leave the restaurant due to an “upset stomach,” and I later told them of my encounter with Head Chef Steve. Now, any time anyone says TV and reality don’t mix, I remind them of the bathroom occurrence. Remember, just because a comedic situation happens on TV doesn’t mean it cannot happen in real life. In fact, more often than not, it is the comedy on TV that comes from comedy in someone’s life. Sometimes, you can get the win.

The YOLO Effect

Sam Walker

YOLO is one of the most powerful words in the modern-day slang arsenal. Coming in at four letters and an acronym in nature, YOLO stands for “you only live once.” Where most saw a tired phrase, musician Drake saw a golden opportunity. By shortening the phrase to a two-syllable spattering of semi-speech, Drake has created nothing less than a modern-day spell. I know what you’re thinking: “Magic isn’t real, or I would probably be a much happier person!” Well, naysayers, while that may be true (you also may be a pile of magic dust, because you might suck at magic), this is a magic-based PSA, so stuff it. YOLO is a spell, and not just your average one-trick pony spell. No, YOLO can be used in a bevy of ways. From forcing actions to bolstering enchants to protect oneself from harm, its range is impressive. So, let’s not waste time

The first and most apparent use of YOLO is shouting at the self, usually before an act described as generally unsafe. It could be jumping off a roof into a pool, freebasing heroin, or even unprotected sex with a rhino. Let’s get more specific so to see the whole process.

Take the image of a drunken frat guy at the top of a flight of stairs, sitting in a box, clearly poised for launch. This unlikely stair-sledding enthusiast looks about to his cheering compatriots, only to realize all too late that there can be no turning back. Gathering himself together, the soon-to-be-statistic screams “YOLO!” at the top of his lungs. Suddenly finding himself in the possession of far more courage than he thought possible, he leans forward and his box fires forth to an explosion of cheers. Head bouncing off the walls and body rocking with unsteady force, he crashes at the bottom of the stairs. Amidst a hushed silence he lays, until finally rising to claim his boon of mad props.

Now, what happened here?

Many say luck, but that is hardly the case. He activated YOLO to protect himself. Shouting “YOLO” triggered his subconscious to go to survival mode. Knowing there was no avoiding what was to come, YOLO took over, causing his body to go limp in all the right places, allowing his life to continue. Any actual injury has been quieted by a surge of adrenaline also released by the spell, allowing his seemingly immaculate recovery.

The second use of YOLO is using the power of YOLO on others. This manifests in many ways, primarily bros beguiling biddies by way of booze, observed at any club’s bar. Picture a staggering semi-slut stabilizing herself on some sturdy surface; a faceless bro saunters over, strapped with shots. Every reader and I can see that said sort-of-wench should not sip on anything more. To her luck, she agrees with us hypothetical observers, and says no. The dastardly dick dawns a dubious smirk, only to cast the YOLO spell, shouting “YOLO!” The lass’ disposition implodes instantly, and the shot is devoured.

Chilling stuff, I know. Worse yet, the YOLO spell may be cast over and over, losing its effectiveness only with loss of motor skill. The word seeps into the mind of the intended target and moves straight for the decision-making part of the brain, rewiring it to your needs. It is nothing short of a Jedi mind trick.

Now that you know the power of YOLO, I hope you will use it with care. Unwise utilization could lead to serious injury or angry mobs. And sure, you could abuse it and eventually make a bid for all the power in the world, but that would just get messy. No one likes a mess.