I have taken the liberty of vetting your Vice Presidential short list to ensure electability. Each potential candidate has been broken down using the following ranking system: Winner, Loser and Sad! Please take the time to consider the information provided. Remember: While it may be tempting to pick a loser in an attempt to strengthen your brand, there’s no need for overcompensation at this point.
Dr. Ben Carson: Winner
We all know you have a token black friend, but it’s time to up the ante with a token black vice president. Not only will Ben Carson help secure the black vote, he holds beliefs that your white supporters are comfortable with. Make him your VP, and we’ll put a white man in the White House and keep another on the twenty-dollar bill.
Chris Christie: Loser
Let’s face it. Chris was so quick to endorse you because he had to attach himself to a winner to wipe away the shame of his pitiful campaign. You don’t want that tub of lard clogging you hallways. Give him a throwaway position, like “Head Transitionary Drone.” Let him feel good about himself for once.
Pamela Anderson: Sad!
Sure, she was the last model to pose nude for Playboy, but men don’t want her anymore. If you really plan to make a woman your vice president, you’ll have to break the top 100 porn stars working today. Otherwise, you might as well make Hillary Clinton your VP—or worse, Carly Fiorina.
Meat Loaf: Winner
He may not have been the apprentice, but he came close. Loaf spent some time out of the spotlight, but what’s important to remember is polls show he would do anything for love, and that includes running as your vice president. Added bonus: He would provide a nice incentive for those working in the Trump Executive Kitchen to make America meat loaf again.
Gary Busey: Sad!
We both know Gary was ratings dynamite, but he will like provide too much—what’s the word—chutzpah for this election season. Your big thing is you speak your mind, and you wouldn’t want a vice president with the same gimmick but an even more dangerous, surrealist mind.
Ernst Tremmel: Sad!
Unfortunately, Mr. Tremmel passed away in early April, shortly after you had compiled your list of potential VPs. Sad indeed, as Ernst would have been a big hit amongst current supporters. While he may not have been an American citizen, his work for his country as a guard at Auschwitz goes a long way to prove his loyalty, and the fact that had not yet been convicted of war crimes would have made him unimpeachable.
Hillary Clinton: Winner
She may be crooked but, democrats like her and the Koch brothers like her. She may not be your biggest fan but you understand one thing she doesn’t: the art of the deal. Hillary comes with a hefty price tag, but it’s nothing a multi-billionaire like yourself can’t afford. A lot of people will initially ask if you hate each other, but show them that picture of the two of you at your wedding and they’ll know you’re old friends. Do yourself a favor: Use the money you raised selling hats and buy a Democrat.
May your great and massive pointer finger find itself aimed at a winning candidate.
Deputy Campaign Manager, Trump 2016
Donald Trump: You know, most women curtsey when they greet me.
Megyn Kelly: I can’t remember the last time I curtseyed for anyone.
Trump: Would you like to try it?
Trump: Suit yourself. If I were you–
Kelly: Well, you’re not me.
Trump: Oh my god! Is that how this is going to go? You interrupting me? That’s very rude. I’m sorry Megyn, but you’re rude. You’re a rude person. Some of my religious friends would call you a suppressive person. I’m just saying, if I were you, I would start practicing now because when I’m the president that’s how all women will greet me. A slight bend at the knees, subtly spreading their legs while lifting their skirts just a teensy bit. It’ll be required. Especially the skirts. No more of these butch women in pants. Keep it ladylike.
Kelly: … okay. Mr. Trump, at campaign rallies you’ve–
Trump: Wait a minute. You’re not on the rag are you? Because that’s a perfectly acceptable reason not to curtsey, I wouldn’t want to put you in that position.
Kelly: Mr. Trump, I’m not–
Trump: After all, our agreement does state that this interview wouldn’t happen during that time. So, I’m also mentioning it for my own safety. I mean, I have guards, the best protection. So this is really for your safety too.
Kelly: I can assure you–
Trump: You women, you just get so hostile! There’s an insatiable blood lust. You’re like dogs. You’re all a bunch of dogs. Sad, it’s sad, it’s a sad thing.
Kelly: I’M NOT ON MY PERIOD!
Trump: Okay! No need to shout. I’m mean, you’re not on your period.
Kelly: I’m sorry, I lost my composure.
Trump: Apology accepted.
Kelly: Let’s start over.
Trump: You got it, sister! [Mimics a tape recorder rewinding]
Kelly: Hey, that’s pretty good!
Trump: You like that? [Mimics tape recorder a second time]
Kelly: [Mimics tape recorder back]
Trump: You’ve got to go a little higher [Mimics tape recorder]
Kelly: Like this? [Mimics tape recorder]
This continues for three full minutes.
Kelly: [laughing] Gosh, you’re fun.
Trump: I am. I’m a fun guy. I’m like the Splash Mountain of people and let me tell ya Megyn, everyone’s lining up to take a ride. We’re currently developing fast-passes for my most passionate supporters. They’ll be able to get in and out of my speeches without having to wait. If they get arrested for defending me, those fast-passes are gonna send a message to the cops, who I love, that say “Don’t worry. The Donald’s got it.”
Kelly: Mr. Trump, your campaign has seen an almost meteoric rise to power.
Trump: That’s true, it’s undeniable and it’s tremendous. Like I said they can’t get enough. There are these people… These Americans who are disenfranchised and they see me and say to themselves “He’s really got a great.”
Kelly: … A great what?
Trump: A great. I am a great. My power can not be denied.
Kelly: Mr. Trump, what’s your favorite color?
Trump: Blue’s nice. I like gold. Is gold a color or a mineral? I can never tell. I’ve had decorators pull out a color wheel and they can’t find it, so I take out one of my dinner plates and tell them “Make it like this. This is the only color wheel you need.” So blue and gold. If there were a type of person with gold hair and blue eyes, that’d really be perfect. The perfect person.
Kelly: Well, I’m afraid we’re out of time. Mr. Trump thank you so much.
Trump: Of course Megyn. I’m so glad we were able to put our differences aside for what will absolutely be a tremendous hour of highly-watched television. A killer in the ratings, I have no doubt.
Kelly: Nor have I, Peace be with you.
Trump: And also with you.
Recently, Donald Trump blasted Hillary Clinton’s bathroom break during the Democratic Debate as “disgusting.” Commentators have been quick to judge Trump without knowing his personal experience on the matter. The following is a minute by minute timeline of his most recent bowel movement:
May 31, 2005 4:47 pm: Donald Trump takes a small swig of water during an Apprentice boardroom taping when his stomach makes a slight gurgle.
5:04 pm: Stomach rumbles intensify.
5:10 pm: Sounds emitting from the depths of Trump’s bowels make it impossible to continue the day’s taping without causing audio issues. The director pauses the shoot and Trump taps a small button hidden under the the boardroom table.
5:11 pm: Trump rises from his chair, a small fart squeaks through his butt cheeks.
5:13 pm: Trump storms through the halls of Trump tower, gently cropdusting the golden shag carpet beneath his feet. The clock is ticking.
5:14 pm: Trump, alone, enters the Executive Boardroom. He lays a finger on a thumbprint scanner and a bookcase descends to reveal the Executive Bathing Suite. Lined wall to wall in ivory tile made from the tusks of elephants hunted by his own sons, a solid gold shitter sits across from him.
5:14:52 pm: Letting out a sigh of relief, one last fart escapes his buttocks. A turd the size of a pearl exits with it.
5:14:54 pm: With very little time left, Trump drops his slacks and sits upon his throne.
5:15:01 pm: The Purge begins.
7:38 pm: Out of breath and hoarse of voice, the last of Trump’s leavings fill the bowl.
7:39 pm: Trump taps a small call bell sitting in the space typically reserved for toilet paper.
7:40 pm: Eight well prepped butlers enter the room, they’ve been waiting for this day. Hoisting Trump to his feet, they take shifts chiseling away at the product of a hard day’s work with the finest silk.
8:02 pm: The clean up is nearly completed as a ninth butler enters to act as a human bidet.
8:04 pm: The nine butlers are taken out back and shot behind Trump Tower to rid the world of witnesses. A new batch will be selected through a future reality program. The silks are sent to a dry cleaner in Chinatown.
8:45 pm: Trump returns to his peaceful slumber, it will be twenty years before another incident.