Tag Archives: Malls

Why I, Too, Will Be Boycotting The Mall of America This Xmas

This Christmas, many are calling for a total boycott of the famed Mall of America due to their decision to employ a Black Santa. I grew up with White Santa, but unlike many boycotters, I understand that Santa is merely a social construct.

However, I will not be shopping at The Mall of America this year, just as I have chosen not to do ever since I learned about this capitalist wonderland while watching Mary Kate and Ashley’s Mall Party as a child. I have chosen to boycott the mall on the sheer premise of practicality, you expect me to travel 15 hours to Minnesota to get my holiday shopping done? No thanks. At that rate, my relatives will be getting photographs of me sitting on Black Santa’s lap and nothing else from me. I can purchase more meaningful gifts by supporting small businesses like Amazon.com.

I will be extending this boycott to all malls. They’re simply too crowded during the holidays and mall managers seem content not to change that. I can barely stand to set foot in a mall at 10% capacity. Who can function in a crowded location with such an unclear flow of foot traffic. Wherever I stand, I’m in someone’s way it’s awful for my already low self-esteem. Call me a special snowflake but I will not be enjoying the artificial snowflakes at the Mall this year or any other.

Bless all of you who venture out to malls this holiday season, but I will be wrapped in a blanket on my sofa while the gift steadily trickle in, pre-wrapped, thanks to various internet vendors.

DISCLAIMER: I will void this boycott of Senator Al Franken is willing to meet me at the Mall of America so that we may shop together and become best pals.

Kevin Cole

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Having It All At The FSK Mall!

This weekend I had the pristine honor of spending an hour unencumbered in the Francis Scott Key Mall, the mall of my youth. A location I had failed to spend any substantial time in for almost ten years. What wonders would await me in the land of my youth? What new feelings would infest my body? Nostalgia? Nah, just a newfound lack of comfort in malls. Generally anything I’d want there I can buy from my sofa, a safe space. Still, I would not let this ruin my hour of adventure. Here’s a breakdown of my visit:

Chopsticks Express

This quick-fix hibachi/Chinese grill has everything you could hope for besides that delicious pink sauce. A hotspot for quality mall meat and fried rice (which is mostly yellow rice with three or four pieces of onion hidden within). Would recommend once, but not twice.


A lovely bodega with a kind and curteous staff, unfortunately they only wanted to sell hats and I am not a hat person. If they had sold Orange Juliuses like the Orange Julius across the way, then they would be the perfect mall shop. Would not recommend.

Orange Julius

The best liquid substance available at this or any mall.

Hot Topic

Once the store where I felt most at home in, now a store I have no business being in. I simply don’t get it any more, the odd combination of nerd and nihilist goth culture. I wander the shop, lost, a man who prefers colorful shirts and corduroy. Would recommend this existential crisis.

Bath & Body Works

Both Mother’s Day and my mother’s birthday are over a month away, so I skipped this one.

Spencer’s Gifts

Ah, the last remaining vestige of pure mall shops. Founded in 1947, Spencer’s Gifts is the only shop where you can watch a 4 year old gleefully shop for lava lamps six feet from an awkward teenage couple discovering the wild world of sex toys for the first time. A crossroads for fuckboy Trump Supporters and punk LGBTQ kids, Spencer’s will always be a place for morally ambiguous people watching and fake dog doo purchases.

Auntie Anne’s Pretzel Stand

I was served my third helping of mall food by a man who resembled a young Connor O’Malley. I had chosen to visit the smaller of two Auntie Anne stands because seemingly no one cared for the selection at the small one. I took their last pretzels and no receipt.

iReality Virtual Coaster

I don’t know where people get the idea that virtual reality is the future of entertainment, I’ve tried it at the FSK Mall and I was not impressed. For only a dollar was able to “transport” myself inside a pinball machine and be bashed around for 2 minutes of PS2 quality visuals. The ride hardly moved in sync with the video and when it did, it was far too slow. Plus, I had to cram myself in there, if virtual reality is truly meant for all ages, then these rides should be designed to house a 25 year old! It was also very difficult to become immersed in the experience with open walls on both sides of unit. How am I supposed to enjoy this virtual coaster when I can see an elderly couple judging me with my peripheral vision?

DSW Shoes

I’ve desperately needed new shoes for a while and am constantly disheartened by the cost. This shoe store was no different from the rest, but I did discover that UGGS makes a men’s shoe disguised as dress wear but secretly lined with animal fur. Worth $99? You tell me.

Mall Massage Chair

Finally, left to my own devices I was given the opportunity to take advantage of the timeless mall installment I had eyed my whole life. A three minute massage for only $1. This chair was the second best thing an actual masseuse, though I could’ve done without the surprise butt-play. Would recommend.

Kevin Cole