As these Summer Games come to a close, we lift our prayers to your almighty kingdom.
That you shall guide all competitors of pure and good heart to victory.
That those who practice promiscuity within the hallowed grounds of the Olympic Village find everlasting love with their partners so that they may bring new life to this world.
Let their condoms fill to bursting so that sperm may swim with the speed and grace of Michael Phelps to a new home within a mother’s womb.
Let your most beautiful creation, the mosquito, fly swift and fast to bear the gift of Zika to all impregnated.
May you, with the help of our earthly father Marco Rubio, pass new legislation so that all creatures born of Zika will be safe. Let Zika be welcome here as a safeguard for all children.
Lord, let your holy virus spread until all know its love and the scourge of Planned Parenthood is forever banished.
In your name we pray,
–National Right to Life
Support our writers on Patreon
“We should have seen this coming.” The final words of Marco Rubio 2016 echoed down the halls of the electoral hospital where Rubio lay in his final hours next to John Kasich 2016. Many wondered what he meant by we, certainly any electoral official or persons making a passing glance at the news could have seen that Little Marco’s best days were behind him.
In his final weeks among the American public, it was clear that dementia had begun to set in. Taken to imitating those around him, Rubio 2016 thrashed about on-stage taking cheap shots at Donald Trump 2016. With reckless abandon he spurted off jokes that one can only hope he had written himself – or at the very least bought off an aging comic from the Catskills. Whatever it was, it had become apparent that if Marco were to survive the season, then Barack Obama 2008 would be the last president to have a half-way decent grasp on comedy.
Here at The Annual we didn’t have much to say about Marco Rubio 2016. We saw this coming. However, when making illustrations of each candidate, Editor-in-Chief Kevin Cole remarked that he’d likely vote for the candidate that was easiest to draw and that “Rubio was one simple looking motherfucker.”
Marco Rubio 2016 had the name of a campaign that ought to lighten up on immigration and a long history of representing his constituents as well as Trump (a campaign with no constituents). The fact that he is even allowed to hold public office with such a piss-poor voting record is evidence of how special America truly is. In his passing we wish him a peaceful rest so that he may fail to attend as many senate hearings as he did prior to taking on the 2016 title.