Listen up folks, I’m going to be honest with you, this week is going to get bleak. Ungodly bleak. I’m talking “your idol was brutally murdered by his own people” bleak. This week will be fine for the most part but in the end it’s going to turn on a dime and things will change quicker than you ever thought a logical justice system was capable of.
I promise that after all the heartbreak, self-flagulation, literal bloodshed, and biblical torture porn is done, things are really going to turn around. Next week is going to kick off in a big way. Christ won’t be dead for long (Spoiler alert: he comes back next week)! All you have to do, is survive this mundane, awful week and I promise it will be much better next time around.
That is, if you subscribe to that religion. Shit, you may be an atheist – so to you I say “L’chaim!” because things are on course to stay pretty much the same. You’ll have the typical highs and lows all manifesting of your own creation and that’s great. A Friday that’s a real bummer for most will actually be a good Friday for you! You are in control of your own destiny, you are a god, or you could be if you believed in that kind of thing.
Perhaps you’re Jewish and read all the way through this to see if you were included. Don’t worry, dear Jewish reader, I haven’t forgotten you! Break out the Mevushal Wine because it’s Purim time! Purim is “the most joyous and fun holiday on the Jewish calendar” but don’t take it from me, take it from JewFaq.org! If the purim meal is anything like the Passover Seder I enjoyed as a young Methodist, you’ve got plenty to look forward too. And if Purim is very much the Jewish equivalent of Thanksgiving (as I have gleaned from the film For Your Consideration) you’ll have a week of leftovers to look forward to as well. Fast not, fear not, and a very merry Purim one and all and may all your Friday’s be good!
Alright ladies, for almost twenty years American Apparel has stood as a nationwide sex symbol, providing the sleekest, sheerest clothing for hot teens and young twenty-somethings. Today our brand is tarnished, on the verge of a potential downfall as corporate offices have filed for Chapter 11 Bankruptcy. It is up to us, the keepers of American Apparel Store #0138 Kansas City, Missouri to save this sexual zeppelin.
First thing’s first, we’ll be literally doubling down on our inventory. That means all items will sell for twice the price but half the clothing, effectively charging customers for the ability to reveal themselves. Jennifer, I need you to get to work altering every item in the store in a way that makes them twice as revealing while giving us enough left over fabric to double our inventory. To boost the sale of these items we will sell them as a part of our exclusive Jennifer Collection. I know many of you are aware that our own Jennifer is not a household name, which is why we will pair these items with photographs of my cousin who bares a striking resemblance to Jennifer Anniston.
While the Jennifer Collection is poised to rock the sales world, we still need to bring people into the store. I swear, sometimes it’s as desolate and barren as Vicky’s cooch. No offence Vick. What we need is the unmotivated sexual tension of a Ryan Murphy produced television series. To make this happen, I have lifted my son’s dressing room ban in exchange for his technical expertise. He’ll be covering the current array of models lining the wall with bed sheets and is perfecting a way to fill that space with hard-core pornography using one projector and complex series of mirrors.
It takes a village to save a company but together I know we’ll be standing tall when those Abercrombie and Fitch jackoffs finally go to see that shirtless model in the sky.