Tag Archives: New Hampshire

Our Search is Complete! The First Female President Has Been Found!

At long last, we have found her! The woman destined to become our first female president, just as the sages foretold. It was predicted that she would be found in diner in far off land of New Hampshire on the primary date of elections in the year of twenty-one-six. Sound the electoral horns and gather the vetters for we have found a being of pure light to ascend to the throne!

We understand that many of you have grown weary awaiting the one true candidate but slumber well tonight for we have found her! A candidate unassuming, innocent, and just as the prophecy stated, primed to take the youth vote. There she sat, feasting alone yet surrounded by a clamoring press, she paid them no mind — the painting of a youthful, tumblr using, introvert’s dream candidate. The future president wants not for media attention or corporate funds, instead she made one simple request for her side of flapjacks! Truly, she is primed to bequeath a side of flapjacks upon this weary nation.

Spread the word far and wide, the first female president will be seen in our time! This is crucial, for we were regretably unable to inform her of the role she is to fulfill. It is believed her name is Sunny Side, and she is destined for 2020. Should you come across her, get her to an oracle and tell all you know, the first female president may arrive tomorrow!

Kevin Cole

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Super Bowl Offers Final Escape From 24/7 Election Coverage

(Washington DC) Last night’s big game offered the American public a fleeting chance to escape from the media’s fascination with the 2016 election. For an impressive 6 hours the nation’s collective attention was spent watch watching men physically brutalize one another, as opposed to the verbal assault seen daily in political news coverage.

Since September the public has endured a total of 13 debates with few chances for universal distraction, a new Star Wars movie, the occasional ball game, and Christmas day. Still this election season has been particularly difficult to ignore with heavy hitters like Donald Trump saying whatever it takes to make news on a daily basis. His statements, outrageous to some, and “refreshing” to an unfortunate margin has dominated casual conversation from the work place to the dinner table. It’s hard to escape the reach of this election cycle and the terror has only begun as political ads start to spread beyond the swing states.

On Sunday night, much of the country gleefully consumed miniature hot dogs and alcohol, knowing that this would likely be their last chance ignore the political atmosphere outside. While most saw the night as a moment for celebration, many living New Hampshire could note a dark turn in festivities once the first political ad aired during the game. Within twenty-four hours their state would be plagued with yard signs and endless pollster phone calls. For them the Big Game would offer a bleak reminder of the peaceful lives they once lived.

With the winner of Super Bowl decided, our nation stands on the brink of a dry-spell, with little to pull focus from politics. Optimists have pointed to the Summer Olympics as a forthcoming opportunity to take a break from the heated presidential election. However dwindling ratings from previous olympics paired with an increased fear of foreigners from the political right have analysts fearing that this year’s Olympics will do little to bring the nation together. We can only hope that Beyoncé will release a new album to provide us with a week’s worth of distraction sometime soon.

Kevin Cole