Tag Archives: New York

Frederick Man’s Solo SantaCon Only a Minor Embarrassment

This past weekend, Frederick resident Chris Hollenbreck embarked on his annual one-man SantaCon. The tradition has its roots in New York City, where one day of the holiday season is devoted to dressing up as Santa and consuming dangerous amounts of alcohol.  Hollenbreck, a New York University dropout and current Downtown Frederick resident, brought the festive event to his hometown two winters ago.

“People drink in Frederick, but unless it’s Drinksgiving there’s no real holiday spirit. No holiday spirits, if you catch my drift,” said Hollenbreck. “So I thought, why not toss on a Santa hat, toss back a few brews and make a night of it?”

And make a night of it he did! Hollenbreck started his adventure at Brewer’s Alley, running into a few high school friends. “Becky was there. Oh man, Becky. I’d like to stuff some coal in her stocking,” he said, thinking fondly of his fellow Urbana High School ’08 graduate.

According to Hollenbreck, he never intended for the outing to be a solo SantaCon.

“I’ve tried to get more folks to come along: Becky, Victoria, Hillary, they all had other plans. I even asked Jeff,” he said. Reportedly, Hollenbreck and Jeff hadn’t spoke since a tenth grade argument regarding Star Wars Episode III. “They’re still churning them out, so I guess we know who won that argument.”

Unable to find anyone willing to play Santa’s Little Helper, Hollenbreck made his way down the street to Wags for a few more drinks, and then stumbled over to Guido’s. That’s where a night of attempting to get bars full of people to sing Christmas carols took a turn for the worst.

“I threw up twice, which is pretty good for me, especially on SantCon,” said Hollenbreck. He recalls vomiting in front of the Guido’s restroom, followed by a prompt berating by the barkeep. “No Christmas spirit! That guy was a real Grinch. He forced this dude I was talking with to clean up the mess. He didn’t even work there!”

After being escorted from the premises, Hollenbeck vomited a second time in front of “a few nice firemen,” who called him an Uber and got him home safely. There, Hollenbeck stared long and hard into a lump of coal and wept over what he had become.

Kevin Cole

Rockefeller Christmas Tree: “I’m Just a Humble Soldier Fighting in the War On Christmas”

At first when they were cutting me down I was really hurt. I had spent so many years in my family’s yard just minding my own business and occasionally offering shade that I felt betrayed. They’re cutting me down? Really? After all pine needles I’ve given them? But now I understand. I was always meant for something bigger, something greater, something holier. I was meant to be the largest, brightest and costliest soldier in the War on Christmas, the Rockefeller Plaza Christmas Tree.

From the very first day they stood me up in the plaza, I just knew I was special. People stopped and stared as the lights slowly adorned my branches. Suddenly I had a purpose in this world, to remind people that Christmas is here to stay.

I am on the front lines, ready to drop this Swarovski crystal star on any unsuspecting ice skater that dares to utter the words “Happy Holidays.” Ready to break a bulb over anyone who dares walk past me saying, “Let’s go to Starbucks.” I’m just a humble soldier in the trenches of the war throwing shade at anyone who insists on writing X-mas. It’s CHRIST-mas you dumb tourist, keep Christ in it.

Who would have thunk that a little/big spruce like me would grow up to become a symbol of the season?  Did you know that once I die, I’m immediately given a hero’s welcome to Christmas tree heaven where it snows all the time and the trees get to take turns holding baby Jesus? ButI don’t need all of that, I’m just happy to be able to serve.

Fellow soldiers fighting the great fight in this decades long war on Christmas, bring me your nativity scenes, your Merry Christmas signs and your Christmas trees that you’re forced to call holiday trees and I will shine my lights on them so that they will know that they are not alone in this fight and that I, the greatest Christmas tree of them all, am the one true soldier to lead the masses through this ever under attack season of Christmas. Also, I’ll introduce them to Al Roker; he’s a really funny guy just like you see on TV!

I have vowed to stand guard here in this Plaza amongst the tourists and streets lined with bacteria not yet identified, until my last dying breath; which will be on January 6th 2016 when they take me down and give me the funeral of a true Christmas soldier, becoming a Habitat For Humanity home. 

The Rockefeller Christmas Tree