Tag Archives: News

INTERNAL MEMO: Approved Terminology for Steve Bannon Coverage

Attention all Snailex Broadcast Inc. employees:

Following an incident during yesterday’s coverage of President-elect Trump’s administrative team, in which a reporter referred to Steve Bannon as “a fucking Nazi” on air, we have decided it best to review proper language for coverage of people in positions of power with a history of being rude to minorities.

Out of respect for the office of the president, we ask all reporters to refrain from using the following terms in reference to Steve Bannon:

  • Racist
  • Bigot
  • Anti-Semite
  • White Supremacist
  • White Nationalist
  • Race-baiting
  • Infrequent bather
  • A man who didn’t want his kids to go to school with Jewish children
  • Herr Goebbels
  • Some sort of monster facing abuse allegations
  • A devil on Donald Trump’s very crowded shoulder

Below are the approved terms that you may use to refer to the President-Elect’s chief strategist:

  • Breitbart Chairman
  • Champion of the Alt-Right movement
  • Semitically Challenged
  • Controversial
  • Supporter of white causes
  • Fun loving guy
  • War of Northern Aggression Enthusiast
  • A man with black friends
  • A white hot ray of sunshine
  • Old fashioned
  • A typical Trump supporter

Please pay careful attention what you say about the incoming administration or we may all be looking for work come February.

Scott Michaelson
VP of News

Support our writers on Patreon

We’re Back and We Need Your Help!

At long last The Annual is back from their three week hiatus. We may have missed the chance to cover events where comedy was most needed: The RNC, The DNC, and the release of Suicide Squad but our stone cold pack of weirdos are back for good… But there’s a catch!

Over the past three weeks we have been hard at work developing a new program that we lovingly call “Writer Compensation” and we need your help to make it a reality!  Starting today we launch our Annual Patreon. So if you’ve ever found yourself laughing or merely chuckling at the content on our site, we sincerely hope you’ll lend a hand.

We’ve got some great rewards lined up and if you pledge before August 22nd, we’ll throw in a free sticker at any level of support. So head over to Patreon.com/TheAnnual so we finally get our writers something nice.

Kevin Cole

Man raises too much money for Charity Race – Chaos Ensues

(REHOBOTH, DE) – Last week, a Delaware man raised over $5 billion dollars for his 5K charity race, and has sent the local and world-wide economy into a tailspin. Luther Neerhoff, an IT computer specialist and avid Dr. Who fan, was asked by friends to partake in the Race Against Homelessness, a 5K that asks participants to raise money for the local homeless shelter.

“Jogging and exercising aren’t normally my thing,” says Luther, his breathing starting to quicken. “But all my friends were doing it, and it would be a good excuse to get out of the house for a while.”

Organizers asks all participants to find at least five people to “sponsor” them. Sponsorship can include a one-time donation, 5 canned food items, or a per-kilometer commitment.

“No one thought I could complete the 5K; it was actually quite embarrassing,” explains Mr. Neerhoff from the safety of his couch. “I was glad to prove them wrong, but at what cost?”

After soliciting his friends and neighbors, who all agreed to the per-kilometer commitment for a few dollars each, Luther reached out to Facebook and other Internet-media sites like Reddit, Twitter, and MySpace.

“Everyone thought it was a joke! I may not be in the best shape, but I can certainly walk three and half miles in one day!” Unfortunately, this included many strangers on the Internet. The per-kilometer sponsorships began pouring in. In just three days, Luther had a commitment total of over $45,000, IF he could make it to the finish line.

“There was so much pressure now! I only needed $25 or 10 cans of food to be counted as an ‘active’ participant; but now the charity organization was calling me every few hours to be sure what was happening was real!”

The Race Against Homelessness even hired a personal trainer and life-coach to go over to Luther’s home. “It was so odd; they wanted to cook all my meals and make sure I was healthy; there was no WAY I would be missing this damn 5K.”

Soon everyone in town had heard of the race, and more support and donations came flooding in. Total pledges jumped from $45,000 to over $50 million in the span of 8 hours. Celebrities were tweeting about it; Michelle Obama sent a Vine congratulating him; his page was shared more than leaked pictures of the new Star Wars movie. But along with support came the harassment.

“I’ve never felt so bad in my life,” Luther says, after reading some of the tweets and comments about him on Internet message boards. “They really didn’t want me to finish the race. Some threatened to injure me so I wouldn’t make it, and then the homeless shelter would get no money. Why someone would stoop that low is beyond me.”

But Luther did make it to the race. His pre-race support was over $1.5 billion dollars, but it wouldn’t stop there. During the race, casinos in Las Vegas began taking bets on whether Luther would finish the race, and other bets on how far he would get before giving up. The charity organization were watching as the donations kept coming in, and sent out their best runners to stay with Luther the entire 3.2 miles.

“It was humiliating; this was no longer about charity, this was no longer about ending homelessness, and it certainly was no longer about having a ‘fun run;’ it was to see whether or not an overweight guy basically wouldn’t die before jogging 3.2 miles. And that honestly made me want to not do the race. But then I remembered who would be hurting if I didn’t, and that gave me the strength to push through.”

When all was said and done, donors had committed $5,096,450,110.05 to “Race against Homelessness” via Luther’s page. What happens when a non-profit organization now has more money than some countries in the world? Everyone wanted a piece of them. Stock trading ceased as Luther began and ended his run; now entire markets were shifting because of the donations. Canned goods, blankets, local Delaware real estate; everything was changing. The Rehoboth homeless population were now the richest in the area.

“They started a riot! After all we had done for them, now the homeless were so happy they began breaking windows and looting stores, and the other racers joined them! It was like my Alma-matter had lost the final game of the NCAA championship, only this time, I was the loser, because I completed a race! Nothing made sense.”

The people of Rehoboth and Delaware in general are still recovering. There is an abundance of over-priced commercial goods in the area, as well as a springing-up of every chain restaurant and gas station brand from across the nation. Everyone wants a piece of that $5 billion, and those formerly-homeless-now-living-in-mansions people are ready to put their cash right back into the community.

Luther saw no money come his way, and all previous employees of the homeless action center had left the company. The Annual anxiously awaits the filing of taxes for this non-profit, and is excited for what may happen next year.

“I’m never doing this again,” says Luther. “In all honesty, I wanted to walk the whole thing. Running just doesn’t agree with me. Also asking people for money in order to participate? Kinda bogus.”

T.M. Scholtes

High-class Professions Being Tarnished by Impossible Porn Expectations

(Everywhere) – Professionals across the globe are outraged; their self-worth is being defiled. That defiler? Over-the-top pornography. These erotic situations are leading to higher customer expectations of what to expect from visits.

Pornography has attempted to take hold in every facet of our lives, making parodies of beloved classics such as Batman, Harry Potter, and even Scooby-Doo. But pornography is really taking a toll out of everyday jobs, by making porn situations occur in real-life locations. These range from the work place, to high school, to getting arrested for a DUI. And it’s time for the workers to take a stand.

Margaret Koontz, a doctor in Seattle, Washington, had this to say:

“I am an attractive woman, I can’t help that. But it isn’t fair that every male patient I see has to look me up and down with his eyes, then tell me he has an injury below his waist I need to examine. They don’t understand that every female doctor is NOT just waiting to strip and bang every male patient that walks in the door! It isn’t realistic! I mean, I can really only do it once or twice a day, and then I’m completely exhausted! My patients are complaining, but it’s their own fault they didn’t schedule anything earlier in the day! I’m not going to risk my career over letting them live out these fantasies; I have serious work to do!”

Ken O’Conner, a masseuse in Switzerland, also felt the need to chime in:

“The women, they are here for a relaxing week, weekend, maybe even a month. They come alone, they come with friends, but they all want the same thing – a happy ending. I did not become a masseuse just to pleasure every woman that comes in to my spa! I am here to relieve tension, put the body back in place, help people relax and forget about their troubles, but instead I’m forced to fulfill the dreams of beautiful woman after beautiful woman, and I can no longer focus on the art of massage! Some of these women leave my parlor with more kinks and aches than when they came in due to how passionate my love-making is – they will ruin me!”

Even more basic professions were affected. Chris Fennell, a local Papa John’s delivery man, said:

“It’s just not cool to have a ‘girl’s night’ for 8 smoking hot cougars, and then decide to call Papa John’s for the ‘extra-large sausage pizza’ and expect anything but a delicious Italian cheese pie. I opened the door, and all eight were standing there, and they were quite disappointed to discover I was holding the pizza in my hands. This isn’t the ‘Dick In A Box’ video ladies! I mean, do they understand how hard it would be to hold a real extra-large pizza and box with just my penis? I mean, I do Kegel stretches, but you would need a seriously ripped cock to pull off that kind of acrobatics. I wasn’t even upset that they invited me in to be their personal dessert, but they had the audacity to assume I could bench press an 18 inch sausage with my 8 inch one that really made me angry.”

Pornography labels across the country have also chimed in to discuss:

“It’s fantasy, it’s parody! Our customers know it isn’t real,” writes Jill Filton, owner of So Much Spunk Productions, INC.

“We look at old police reports, medical records, and retirement homes to get the inspiration for our movies. These are all based in real life, but nothing like this could every REALLY happen, unless you are the most gorgeous man or woman in the world. And for those people, it does happen. Every. Single. Day. Hell, we even make videos about the owner of porn production companies, and I can use my real life experience to tell them what they are doing right and wrong. But it is because I’m stunningly attractive. We even have disclaimers at the beginning and end of every video stating that if the person viewing it is unattractive, they should not expect anything that follows to happen to them in their everyday lives. We’ve been sued before, but we show the judge the disclaimer, have them look at the client, and every case has been dismissed.”

When asked for comment, all the consumers of the videos said they were currently busy going over the videotapes in question, and would get back to us as soon as possible.

T.M. Scholtes

Frederick Man Saved from Death by Magical Fruit

Disaster was averted this afternoon by a quick thinking teen out running with his father.

Joey Lollar, 14, and his father, Alex Lollar, 43, were out jogging through the neighborhood at 5am.

“I’ve always been a runner,” explains Alex, sitting on the back of an ambulance. “It just energizes me for the rest of the day. Every morning at 4:30, my alarm goes off, and I get out there. I smell the fresh air and watch the sunrise. I used to jog with my father every morning as a kid.”

“I like it, too,” replies Joey, not making eye contact with his dad. “It’s a good bonding experience, you know? Plus, he said if I get up every day each week, he’ll buy me McDonald’s on Friday when we finish. Oh, and if I make the track team, I can have a trampoline!”

But this fateful morning, there would be no McDonalds, and certainly no trampoline.

“We were about four miles in, coming up this long, steep hill, right before Quinn Road,” explains Alex, pointing in the air to try and demonstrate the location he was talking about but not succeeding.

“Now, I like to switch up my running routes, but I’d been this way hundreds, if not thousands, of times, and never had a problem. Nothing felt different, I was feeling strong, and I was happy to know my son was out with me, even if he couldn’t really keep up and I was off my pace.”

Suddenly, Alex said he ran into, what can only be described as, a figuratively literal brick wall.

“It was like Thor punched me in the chest,” said Alex.

“Dad, Hulk can punch so much harder than Thor.”

“Shut the fuck up when I’m talking to the reporter. Anyway, all of sudden I needed to stop, it was getting difficult to breathe. It felt like something was squeezing my chest. Then, my left arm started to tingle. I was scared.”

Luckily, little Joey wasn’t far behind.

“For most of the run, I had my head down, trying to stay out of the wind,” Joey said, still sweating profusely, hours after having stopped running.

“I looked up, and it was like my dad ran into a brick wall, literally. Wait, I think I mean figuratively. Anyway, I tried to sprint the rest of the distance between us.”

“And you still took forty-three seconds,” added Alex.

“By the time I got to him, he was laying down on the sidewalk, gasping for air. The veins on his neck and forehead were bulging out. I asked him what was wrong.”

Alex Lollar was having a heart attack.

“I knew immediately what was going on, but I have never been in this sort of situation before,” said Alex, flexing his biceps. “I’ve been in shape all my life, and we eat healthy, so why would I be having a heart attack at 43? I have heard that taking aspirin as soon as the symptoms start can help, but of course I didn’t think to have any when we left the house.”

Joey Lollar acted quickly, and used his elementary-rhyme knowledge to find a solution.

“It’s a common fact that everyone should know – beans are good for the heart. I only remembered because I would sing the nursery rhyme all the time when I was younger. ‘Beans, beans, they’re good for the heart/ The more you eat, the more you fart/ The more you fart, the better you’ll feel/ so eat baked beans for every meal.’ I knew how to save my father.”

Joey ran – well, more likely, jogged slowly – back to his house, and headed to the kitchen pantry. He was stopped by his mother, Paula Lollar, [age undisclosed].

“My son burst through the door, and my first thought was ‘there is no way he beat my husband back to the house’ so I knew something was very, very wrong. He asked me for baked beans, so I didn’t even think; I just grabbed one of the many cans of Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans we keep on hand, and got into the car with my son.”

Joey and Paula rushed to Alex’s side, but the sight was not comforting.

“He could barely get any air in his lungs,” said Paula. “Joey had never run so hard in his life. And Alex was looking even worse!”

“I just started pouring in the beans,” said Alex, his clothing soaked completely through. “I knew it was the only thing that could save him.”

The moment those beans touched his lips, Alex began to feel revitalized.

“I was still mid-heart attack, but I wanted to run a full marathon! The beans really took over, and I was certain I’d be ok.”

After drinking the entire can, Alex sat up, tousled Joey’s hair, and told him the last one home would be a rotten egg. He then took off running.

“I would’ve followed him, I really would’ve!” Cried Joey, clearly about to recite a planned excuse. “But you know the other half of the rhyme: The more you eat, the more you fart. I did not want to be anywhere behind him.”

“Yeah, the farts actually reduced my overall split rate!” said Alex, with a twinkle in his eye. “I might have to incorporate it into my morning ritual!”

At publishing, Alex had made a full recovery, and Joey has given up running forever.

T.M. Scholtes