Tag Archives: NFL

American? You Bet You Are! Wouldn’t You Like A Curved TV?

Kevin Cole

Come on down to Mike’s Jumbotron Depot before The Big Game and pick up curved ultra HD television for just $1,999. It’s the most American way to watch the Patriots and Seahawks go head-to-head. Who wouldn’t want to usher friend after friend into their home this Sunday only to hear them exclaim, “Jesus Christ! Is that a curved TV?!”

If there’s anything more American than football, it’s a curved TV, offering visuals so crisp they exceed the perception of the human eye. It’s that excess your friends are sure to notice, as they scarf down bags upon bags of Fritos and view Tom Brady’s fully inflated balls with utmost clarity. So pick up your new Curved TV from Mike’s Jumbotron Depot for only $1,499!

Oh, say can you see every bead of sweat on the face of those heroes? It’s the biggest night in television–you don’t want your friends to think you’re a Communist sympathizer as you watch The Big Game on that dinky little standard definition tube TV, do you? Here’s your chance to really celebrate the sacrifices of true-blooded Americans like Marshawn Lynch: with a Curved Ultra High Def TV from Mike’s Jumbotron Depot for only $1,249.

Whether you’re rooting for the Seahawks or the Patriots, you won’t want to miss a pixel of this year’s Big Game. Within every pixel is an American flag, and if you’re not enjoying the game at an excess of 2160 pixels, you might as well be pissing on the First Amendment. Celebrate your freedom with a Curved Ultra HDTV from Mike’s Jumbotron Depot for only $999!

September 11th changed our country in ways we will never forget. But, once a year we can put that behind us and enjoy The Big Game. It was George Bush who encouraged us to shop more in a post-9/11 America, and that’s what we’re here for. Besides, haven’t you heard that American singer/songwriter/sex symbol Katy Perry will be playing the halftime show? Now, who wouldn’t want to see that on a Curved Ultra HDTV from Mike’s Jumbotron Depot for only $699?!

Look, how about this: do you want to see The Big Game like you’ve never seen it before? Touchdowns? Passes? Interceptions? What if you went down to Mike’s Jumbotron Depot and bought a Curved Ultra HDTV for only $499 and we gave you a second one for free? It’s that easy! You could put them next to each other and pretend the football field is twice as large, making the players twice as good. You’ll have two Curved TVs, and we’ll have two less because you only bought one! What a good deal! Please, don’t you want to enjoy the game?

ALL CURVED ULTRA HIGH DEF TVS MUST GO! Sweet Jesus, there’s a fire–we don’t know how this could have started, but you better get down to Mike’s Jumbotron Depot and grab an Curved Ultra High Def Television from the rubble before it’s too late! All TVs lost in the fire will have to be claimed as a major loss, but you can get them before the fire goes out for whatever cash you happen be carrying when you get to Mike’s Jumbotron Depot.

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Join the Football Fun at The Last Hurrah this Saturday

Harbaugh Brothers vow to join forces and rule all of Football

[New Orleans, Feb 5, 2013] Following a contentious Super Bowl pitting brothers John Harbaugh (Baltimore Ravens) and Jim Harbaugh (San Francisco 49ers) against one another, the two have decided to put their sibling rivalry behind them. During a post-game interview, John Harbaugh said the following of his little brother’s performance, “In the first half all I could think about was how easily I was creaming the little twerp, but then Jim really used that blackout to pump up his team and bring them to what was almost the greatest comeback in Super Bowl history. Of course, in the end the better brother won. Still, you gotta admire the little guy.”

The two then met up after the Super Bowl after party at their own Harbaugh family after after party. John and Jim spent a full two hours complimenting one another. When their sister, Joani Harbaugh, told them to get a room, they did.

The next morning, John and Jim emerged with ruffled hair and held a press conference to announce that they would be working together during the next season.

“We’ve realized that as strong as we may coaching against one another, we could really blowout the place…” Jim Harbaugh announced. “If we worked together!” Declared John, finishing his brothers sentence.

However, the two do not intend to make headlines by coaching as brothers. “It would be a cheap gimmick” said Jim Harbaugh, speculating as to how the sports media tabloids would handle each and every game-equating every glance from brother to brother with childhood subtext. Following these predictions, John Harbaugh chuckled in a way he probably would have once he discovered Jim had gone to prom with his Eighth Grade crush.

The Harbaugh Brothers went on to make it clear that any sort of Coach/Assistant Coach set up would be detrimental to their work, placing one with a higher rank than the other. “There’s really only one way this could work…” John stood and led his brother off stage, only to reappear 6 feet taller, sporting a trench coat and a mustache.

“I, Jom Harbaugh, will assume coaching duties for the Baltimore Ravens, Champions of Super Bowl XLVII, following the tragic off-stage deaths of my brothers. I loved them dearly and they will be forever missed and cherished in the hearts of football fans everywhere.”

As of press time, neither Harbaugh brother could be reached for an individual comment. According to Jom Harbaugh, a Memorial Service will be held in the Mercedes-Benz Superdome this Sunday at 3pm and all are welcome to attend.