Tag Archives: Nicolas Contreras

Nico’s Drink of the Month!

In the last issue of The Annual I penned an open letter detailing my newfound sobriety. Now, nearly two months later, I realize you all must be pretty thirsty. So, rest assured, free from confines of alcoholism Nico’s Drink of the Month is very much alive!


1 Part H

2 Parts Two Oh!


And now, as is customary of any good bartender, a story:

After giving up alcohol I have given into most illicit substances. One night last January, I was sitting on the sofa in front of a freshly paused round of Call of Duty and coming down from a hearty bong rip. I coughed. I coughed again. I coughed for about a minute. This was some good shit, but it left my throat dry and irritated. I got up, drank a glass of water and returned to my game. It was a good night.

Support the Annual and receive humor every bimonth for only $20 a year!

Summer Energy Saving Tips

The biggest problem with the summer seems to be the constant energy consumption. You’ll do anything to stay cool, until the bill arrives. Luckily, we at The Annual have compiled a list of simple ways to keep energy costs down while beating the heat.

  • Unplug your fridge at night, the air naturally cools down once the sun goes down so you won’t need to worry about anything spoiling.
  • Use migrant labor instead of electric fans.
  • Knock large holes in all your exterior walls, and enjoy the cross breeze.
  • Go old school and carry a box fan on your shoulder like a boombox.
  • Sign a pact in phallic blood with Marchosias, mighty archduke of Hell, and be granted the ability to thrive in all temperatures.
  • Instead of wasting your own energy figuring out ways to save energy, just turn on the a/c and listen to ac/dc’s greatest hits.
    (P.s. Best results are found when using a vaporizer while listening).
  •  Plan ahead by harvesting ice during the winter, then use it to insulate your home in the summer.
  • Purchase a summer home on the moon. You must provide your own transportation. Time shares available.
  • Scope out the homes of older couples going on vacation. Move into home, and tell neighbors that your great-aunt and uncle who previously inhabited the house died in a freak accident. Replace all photographs in the home with pictures of yourself and your cat. Alternately, for more sustainable use, scope out the homes of older couples who may kick the bucket soon.

Compiled by Parker Benbow, Kevin Cole, Nicolas Contreras, Isabel Duarte, David Luna, and Steve Younkins

 Support the Annual and receive humor every bimonth for only $20 a year!

Nico’s Drink of the Month


Dear Staff, Writers and Audience of The Annual,

I sadly regret to inform all of you I no longer drink: a few months ago I dislocated my knee, due to a case of wrestlingidous!

Wrestelingidous occurs when you mix alcohol, good weather and a vast amount of backyard to wrestle with your friends. It all started in the garage of my friend’s house. All of my friends and I gathered to take a shot of rumplemint vodka in celebration of my friend’s 23rd birthday. Some of my friends weren’t able to handle the shots in front of them, but I held on. I was able to hold on past my seventh shot, but that’s when it hit me…Wrestelingidous! I walked up to a couple of my friends and slightly pushed their shoulders, initiating a wrestling match. One of them proceeded to push me back harder, and that’s when the chaos began! My friend immediately pinned me down.

I got back up and said, “Nooooh..w-wr-estle meh again, I-I- wasn’t even tryinggg!” *belch!*

He said, “Nah.”

And that’s when it hit me again…Wrestlingidous!

I went to grab my friend’s right arm; he tried to block it, but I got him by faking it and grappling around him. He tried to get out of it, but there was just too much Nicolas all around him. That’s when I made my move to bring him down; but suddenly I heard a *Snap!* And that’s when I fell down to the ground and felt a shock of pain run down my leg. “F*ck! My leg’s broken!” I said.

My friends huddled around me in shock. One friend crouched down, touched it and said, “Yep, that’s broken.”

A few minutes later the ambulance came. The paramedics gave me five shots of morphine. I still felt pain, so they rushed me to the ER. Immediately, they took an X-ray and gave me two more shots of morphine. My doctor came back with the results of the X-ray and said my leg was just dislocated. She then grabbed hold of my leg, said, “Brace yourself,” and popped it back into place.

So now I sit here with both legs intact and $3000 in medical bills.

I smoke pot now.


                                         Nicolas Contreras

Support the Annual and receive humor every bimonth for only $20 a year!

Essential Rules for Living with your Parents

At this time of year, many college graduates come to realize that after a three month job hunt a degree doesn’t always guarantee employment. At least, that’s what a few of us at The Annual have discovered. Now comes the time to swallow your pride and move in with your parents, should you find yourself in this situation be sure to follow these simple rules:

  1. Remember how your days of sneaking out of the house were a thing of the past? Guess what, you have to do it again. Your parents tell you, you’re an adult and there’s no problem with going out late, but let’s face it, you know they’re going to ask you the following day where you’ve been. So commence the sneaking once again.
  2. You’ve been gone for a while, and since you’ve been gone for a while, your parents have gotten more relaxed in their own home, probably just as relaxed as the time before they even had you, and when I say relaxed, I mean, when the boat in your parents’ bedroom is a rockin’, just stay away from the door.
  3. Get ready to learn new things about your parents that you never knew before. You’re probably thinking what could my parents possibly tell me that I don’t know already? Well, guess what, you’re wrong. Your parents, know that you’re an adult getting back from college, and your parents will view you a little differently and let you in on few secrets about what they did when they were your age. Some stuff will be fucked up, but deal with it.
  4. Never eat more food than they do. If you eat more than them, they will be more inclined to rant to you about buying groceries.
  5. Try to get a part time job while you’re living with your parents. Cash is always the best part about having a job. But the less time you’re at home and more at your job is always a good thing; the longer you’re at home in a day the more your parents are going to ask what you’re doing with your life.
  6. Should you choose to invest your time in a personal project (for example, a humor magazine) and plan to work on it in your underwear, do so in your own room with the door shut.
  7. Expect the police to be called on you at least once because you committed the crime of not calling your parents and filling them in on your whereabouts.

Nicolas Contreras | Kevin Cole | Briana Haynie

Support the Annual and receive humor every bimonth for only $20 a year!

Nico’s Drink of The Month: Wine

We deeply regret to inform you that Nicolas Contreras has drunken too much and is now stuck in a Jaeger coma. Doctors say for one to come out of a Jaeger coma requires an abundance of beautiful ladies’ numbers. Please email all numbers to n.guzcontreras@gmail.com.
Together we will “hopefully” get Nic out of this coma.
(The Annual is not responsible for any regrets)

In Nico’s absence, I (Kevin Cole) will be filling in, and am pleased to share with you a house favorite:

Red Wine!
One Part Welch’s Brand Grape Juice
One Part Vodka

Mix well and enjoy.

Support the Annual and receive humor every bi-month for only $20 a year!

Nico’s Drink of the Month: Pink Panties

Pink Panties

1 (12 fluid oz.) can frozen pink lemonade concentrate
12 fluid oz. gin
1/2 cup vanilla ice cream
1/2 cup frozen strawberries
1 cup crushed ice

In a blender, combine pink lemonade, gin, ice cream, strawberries and ice. Blend until smooth. Pour into glasses and serve.

Here’s another one:
1 package frozen pink lemonade concentrate
1 cup Canadian Mist® whisky
1 cup water
1/2 container whipped cream

Combine all ingredients in a blender with half a cup of crushed ice. Blend until smooth. Serve in a tall glass.


“Walk Through This Bathroom with me”

   Recently I visited my family in northern Wisconsin, and I was invited by my cousin to join her and her friends out to the bar. As a city dweller visiting a country town, going to a country bar seemed pretty cool, yet aberrant. So we head out to this bar called “Poor Folks”—the location of which I’m still unawares. All I know is we were driving down a street and all of a sudden trees were everywhere, and then we arrived. We walk into the bar, and the place is packed with locals from around the town. The bar is painted in all yellow, and the entire ceiling is covered with George Jones albums with modern country music blaring in the background. My cousin introduces me to the bar owner and a few of the bartenders; afterwards, we find a table to sit at and begin drinking. The night goes on, and so do the rounds of beer. I tell my cousin I’ll be right back and head for the restroom.

It takes some time to get from one end to the other of the fully packed bar, all while trying to hold it in and find my sense of balance.  So I walk up to the bathroom door and open it. I take a step towards where I think the toilet might be, and I hear a woman’s gasp. I look up and see a girl sitting there with her pants down. She looks at me and immediately grabs for her pants. I turn around and walk right out as fast as I can. I wait outside the restroom, and soon she walks out. She said was so sorry; the girl’s bathroom was being used.  I said it’s no problem and laugh. I went into the bathroom and noticed there was no lock on the door even though it was a single bathroom with only a urinal and a toilet next to each other. So I take a leak, and as I was taking a leak, a drunken man walked in and rushed to the toilet next to me and took off his pants and sat down. I don’t even know if I was done taking a leak—all I know is I zipped up my pants and said “Nope.” I walk out of the bathroom and walk up to the bar to get a drink, so I could forget the drunken man’s rear end.  I get to the bar and notice all the bartenders are different. I recognize one of them— the same girl I walked in on was a bartender. She notices me and walks up to me, smiling, saying, “Once again, I’m so sorry.” I say, “Please believe me: If it was the other way around, you probably would have fainted.”

Nicolas Contreras

Support The Annual by purchasing a full year’s subscription for only $20!

The Annual Predicts The Breaking Bad Finale

It’s been five incredible seasons and this sunday AMC’s Breaking Bad will reach its epic conclusion. Many are on the edge of their seats wondering how the show will wrap up, many are wondering what this sadomasochistic madman Vince Gilligan has in store and many simply aren’t caught up on the show. 

Below are The Annual’s predictions for the Breaking Bad Finale. Different writers have given their thoughts and to avoid unnecessary spoilers we have organized the predictions by how far along they are in the series.

Emily Perper (Somewhere in Season Four but did read what happened in the most recent episode because she was tired of people bitching about it on Twitter and wanted to know what was going on.):

In the finale, Walter White tries his own product and OD’s. Jesse walks away, somehow. Skyler and Walt Jr. and Holly start over somewhere. We flash forward 10 years. Maybe in Michigan somewhere Walt Jr. gags at the sight of any billboard advertising breakfast. He goes into criminal justice. Skyler opens a successful childcare business; she protects her charges like a mama puma. Holly is too young to remember much of what happened, but Skyler tells her that Daddy did some bad things and needed to go away. Skyler is afraid of Holly’s interest in chemistry. Marie lives one town over. The two women talk often, but never about Hank.

Walter White serves time and is eventually put on probationary house arrest. He spends his time on FB trolling.

Jesse works in a pet store. The old owner leaves the shop to him when he dies.

End of series.

Hannah Gutman (the first 10 minutes of Season 5, Episode 3):

In the aftermeth (get it?) of Walt and Jesse’s latest failed attempt to smuggle that sweet crystal in the soiled diapers of baby Holly, the pair find themselves overstocked and undersold. Walt sends Jesse to Toronto, the meth capital of Canada, to establish a connection with a new international drugcartel. In the meantime, Skyler convinces Walt to join her for a weekend getaway to “rekindle the Bunsen burner” in the bedroom. Back at home Mike is left to babysit Holly. Hilarity ensues as Mike has very little baby experience and Holly is prone to spit takes. Well, spit-up takes. A phone call in the middle of the night leads Hank and Marie to pick Walter Jr. up from an out of control house party. Marie waits in the van as Hank rolls in (literally), only to find Walter Jr. on the receiving end of a meth deal with none other than our good old friend, Badger. Hank calls the cops to bust the party but gets Jr. out of dodge before they arrive. A stern lecture and an awkward stop for ice cream later, Walter Jr. finally admits that he considered doing meth because he couldn’t cope with the fact that he had failed his chemistry test. What would his father think?

Across the northern border, the meeting with the Canadians goes horribly wrong when Jesse badmouths Justin Bieber at a hockey game. He is forced to flee back to Albuquerque, with the cartel members in hot pursuit. He knows that he’d “better call Saul.” The ever-faithful lawyer dutifully tries to notify Walt, but he cannot reach him and has no choice but to make his way to the spa to interrupt the couple’s romantic weekend. He drives through the desert only to be met by Walt and Skyler on their way home. The three stop to talk. Tensions run high and as Walt begins to growl/yell, Saul lets it slip that he is in love with Skyler. Walt is stunned silent. Suddenly in a cloud of dust, Jesse drives up. A carload of Canadians arrive soon after, but in a shocking and visually impressive scene, Walt is able to gun them all down. Everyone is relieved. Walt, however, is sore from the fight. Skyler gives him an aspirin from her purse. Within minutes, it becomes quickly apparent that he has actually ingested a Ricin capsule. Skyler and Saul laugh maniacally and speed away. Walt collapses into Jesse’s arms. They share a brief but heartbreakingly beautiful exchange before Walt breathes his last breath.

Ten years later. A high school classroom. In walks Jesse, polished and looking professional. Amidst the chatter of students, he walks to the board and begins to write. He turns to the class and says, “Good morning, my name is Mr. Pinkman. Welcome to 10th grade chemistry.”

End of series.

David Luna (Caught up):

The episode opens with Walter White (now fully transformed into Heisenberg) making his way back to New Mexico in a stolen helicopter. While Heisenberg tracks down the Nazis and demolishes them with bullets, Jesse and Todd make up and become besties. After fighting an unexpected army of 300 Gustavo Fring Robo-Clones™, Heisenberg Lowers himself in a vat of molten steal, effectively terminating Skynet. Flip, Holly, and Skylar get a reality show and make millions.

End of Series.

Andrew Michaels (Caught up):

 In the second-to-last episode of Breaking Bad, it appeared Walt had made his final decision about himself: No more Walter White, but full-on Heisenberg, bitch! And in the final 75 minutes of the show, I feel those Nazis are going to get lethal dosage, which may later lead to contacting their nearest Poison Control Center. Felina picks up where the show left off earlier in the season with Walt’s car parked outside of his now abandoned home. Walt soon realizes he forgot to tip the bartender who served him his drink back in Nebraska. Frustrated with the idea of tarnishing his adequate tipping status, Walt’s new motivation for revenge against the Nazis is to retrieve the $70 million that was stolen from him in order to redeem himself by tipping a generous 25%.

Meanwhile, Todd is determined to destroy the evidence of Andrea’s murder by burning her body. Jesse learns that Todd has a particularly odd case of OCD that requires him to burn the clothes separately from the body, leading to a new discovery of her actual sex. It is during this debacle when Uncle Jack must search for his preferred Edy’s brand of vanilla ice cream after he and his Nazi companions run out. The other White family members, Skyler and Walter Jr., are trying to get out of the whole “husband/father becoming a drug lord” situation. Sklyer develops a plan to rent Walter Jr. to the various DEA agents who are hoping to get extra perks in life, such as the handicap spot at the office or a free bucket of chicken at Los Pollos Hermanos. Will Walter’s waiter ever receive a tip? Will Jesse find out Andrea’s actual sex? Do Skyler and Walter Jr. pull off their handicap scheme? Find out on Sunday, September 29th at 9/8C on AMC.

End of series.

Nicolas Contreras (Caught up):

Walter White runs back to Albuquerque, in search of revenge, to make little right of the chaos he’s caused.  His plan: to kill Uncle Jack as well as Todd. In search for the white supremacists he finds himself having car troubles, a car pulls up and none other than Hugo Archilleya, the Native American janitor that he had arrested from the second episode.

The janitor helps him with his car and gives him word of advice. As the janitor walks away he turns to walter and says “let me help you on your path of enlightenment.” He then pulls out a revolver and says lets go. They find the warehouse where Todd and his uncles reside; they plan out there attack and go. It’s a blood bath, Walter White and the Indian kill them all except one… Todd. They hear a scream coming from the hangar they see both Todd and Jessie fighting. Walt shoots Todd in the leg, as Todd tries to crawl away shouting “Please Mr.White, don’t kill me, I still haven’t banged Lydia!”

Walter walks up to him and says “My name is Heisenburg, and no…I made up my mind 10 minutes ago.” Walter shoots Todd.

Jessie, who is on the floor (as always whenever something dramatic is happening) begins to crawl away from Walt. “JESSSIE!” Walter yells.

Slowly Walt walks up to Jessie with a gun in his hand, he turns his head to hugo for one second and says,  “Get out of here Hugo, I’ve got this one and take a barrel before you leave.” Walt looks back at Jessie, he raises his arm and points his gun at Jessie; puts his finger around the trigger. He stares Jessie down though the iron sight of his gun,  a montage goes through walters head, showing all the good times they had.

“I love you Jessie.”

Jessie closes his eyes, A Loud bang echoes the hangar. A pool of blood is spilt on the ground as Jessie lies beneath walts cold dead body. You hear the sound of  metal crutches slowly walking up to Jessie.
“He killed uncle hank!”

Walt Jr. collapses on the floor crying. Jessie remains on the floor playing dead. Walt Jr. gets up a moment later, lights a match and sets the lab on fire and leaves. He takes the truck with the barrels in the back. Meanwhile, Jessie gets himself up and out just before the lab blows.

Twenty years later in a diner we see a waitress working, handing out a stack of pancakes to a customer. She walks to the back of the diner, “Another order of whites with a stack of junior pancakes for table six Walt.”

The cook slowly comes out of the back “Wha-wha-whats my name Hol-holly?”

“Flynn?!” Holly says.

“D-d-d-Damn right it’s Flynn, the bb-best p-p-ancacke maker in the world, I-I’m  the one who cracks the egggsss around here.”

“Whatever Flynn” Holly says.

End of series.

Kevin Cole (Caught up):

I think it will start out relatively calm but then quickly escalate to shaking, tensing up and hyperventilating until until my face is numb and I am crying. Oh wait… you mean what’s actually going to happen IN the episode? Not the high-strung emotional drama on my sofa that will be occurring during the finale? Well, okay but you’re really missing out.

At the tail end of last week’s episode we say Walt disappear from the Nebraskan dive bar just before local law enforcement arrived at the scene. What we didn’t see was Charlie Rose inquiring about the possible connections between Grey Matter Industries and a small scale Zombie outbreak that occurred at the outskirts of Albuquerque. Sensing his family may be in danger Walt buys an fully automatic rifle and heads home to make on last attempt at redeeming himself by saving Skylar,  Walt Jr. and Holly.

We pick up where we left off with Jesse as lights rise on the white supremacist compound to reveal that the entire hoard had become infected. Jesse makes a break for it to find any usable vehicle in the compound. On his way to safety he bumps into Hank, risen from the dead… the source of the infection. Jesse breaks Hank’s head off, shouts “Bitch!” grabs a motorcycle and rides off into the sunrise, passing Walt as he arrives in town.

Walt finds his family but it is too late, they have been bitten. He kills the hoard of zombies surrounding them and feeds his family the ricin. Realizing he had nothing left to live for he takes the ricin and just as he goes to consume it, realizes he has none left. Alone and broken Walter White is torn apart by the undead and The Walking Dead will pick up where the series left off one year in the future.

Meanwhile, blissfully unaware of the events at hand, Saul Goodman moves to California and pitches a show to ailing cable network AMC. The show is called Barking Bad, a show about a dog who once loved playing catch but has turned to a life of biting mailmen to cover for his kitten prostitution ring. The show is a hit and Saul becomes an entertainment kingpin.

End of series.

For more, subscribe to receive The Annual in print!

Nico’s Drink of The Month

red headed slut cocktail

This month’s drink is a  Red Headed Slut Cocktail. I will also tell you how to make a Lindsay Lohan Cocktail; , which, in all honesty, is a Redheaded Slut with a dash of coke. HA! (I apologize to any of the pretty ladies I may have offended.)

Red Headed Slut Cocktail
2 part cranberry
1 part Jaeger
1 part peach schnapps

Pour peach schnapps and Jaeger in a cocktail glass, along with cranberry juice. Stir, and serve.

Lindsay Lohan Cocktail
1 part peach schnapps
1 part Jaeger
2 part cranberry
Splash of coke

Pour peach schnapps and Jaeger, along with cranberry juice over ice, in a cocktail glass. Stir, top with a shot of coke, and serve.

A month ago I went to a fast food place, and this girl at the register started to talk to me and we hit it off. She got me to laugh, I made her laugh, “Tee hee hee.” Exciting, right?! So from then on whenever I would go to this place, I’d keep an eye out for her, and maybe one day I’d get the nerve to ask her out. Eventually I saw her and we talked, but I totally chickened out and didn’t ask. What was wrong with me?!

A month went by and I hadn’t seen her in a while. I thought I would never get a chance to ask her out. Well…I…thought…WRONG!

One night, a couple buddies and I had a few drinks and were having a good time. By the middle of the night we were hungry and craving Taco Bell.

My pal Kiefer drove, and the rest of us piled in; I sat directly behind him. So we took off to the nearest Taco Bell in search of those new Cool Ranch Tacos. After ordering our entrees we proceeded to go to the cashier’s window. As soon as we pulled up, I looked at the cashier, and I couldn’t believe it. It was her!

She looked over to grab my buddy’s credit card and saw that I was sitting in the backseat. She said, “Hey!” with a smile on her face.

Kiefer pulled forward a bit and rolled down my window. Not a good idea, especially in my state of mind.

I waved and slurred out a “helllllloooooo” preceded by a “howy aurrr youu…doin.”

She looked at me with a smile (a smile that secretly said, “Ah, crap”) and talked to me. The only problem is, I didn’t know what she was saying nor what she was talking about.

She turned to grab our food and at that moment I thought it would be the best time to give her my card and say to her, “Hey, you should give me a call sometime and we can hang out,” but this didn’t happen.

Instead, I fumbled around in my pockets, trying to find my stupid card. She turned back around and handed Kiefer the food. I grabbed my card and shot my arm right out the window, card in hand.

She looked at me, grabbed the card, and I said, “Hey callll me sometime…if you ever wanna…you know.” And my friend drove away.

Nicolas Contreras

This installment of Nico’s Drink of the Month appeared in The Annual #3! Purchase your copy today!

The Next Generation Condom

Screen Shot 2013-03-28 at 1.28.26 AM

Kevin Cole, Nicolas Contreras, Cullen Dolson, Courtney McLaughlin

Earlier this week, Bill Gates offered a $100,000 grant for whomever can create the next generation of condoms. The new condoms would need to “preserve or enhance sensation” while preventing STDs and offering up incentives for use. Here at The Annual we have been hard at work developing the next generation of condoms and this is what we have come up with thus far.

First there are numerous standard features that absolutely MUST be included in the next-gen condom if it is to be successful at all. These include:

  • Wifi Compatibility
  • An achievement based system synced to Xbox Live
  • A embedded microchip that would allow for “Thrust-tracking” enabling users to rack up “Frequent Fucker Miles”
  • A POV Camera for in-depth investigations

The next-gen condom would also need to be reusable, machine washable, and potentially made from the same material as “those blankets at your mother’s house.” In addition, this material should be able to change colors with the detection of Sexually Transmitted Diseases.

The next generation of condom isn’t just a means to prevent unwanted pregnancies, it’s an effective marketing tool. With special Crossover-Condoms, companies can promote their products, in an arena where T-shirts simply won’t do. The following are just two of the countless, potential Crossover-Condoms to simultaneously  revolutionize intercourse and marketing:

  • Star Trek: The Next generation Condoms: Get ready to “Engage” with the Star Trek TNGC. Timed with JJ Abrams’ inevitable Next Generation reboot, these condoms will boldly go where no man has gone before. Be sure to pick up the Worf condoms, ribbed for her pleasure.
  • Moonrise Condoms: The condom that waxes and wanes with the moon cycle, the menstrual cycle, and the Wes Anderson cycle. Includes an ocean sounds soundtrack, insta-tampon, and a struggling family with an absent father figure. Buy yours today!

Of course, all condoms will come Norton Antivirus approved and monitored, with 24/7 support. If any issue should arise (or fail to) simply call 1800-nortoncondoms. When it just can’t boot up, call Norton tech. “They made sure I wasn’t left hanging!”-proud Norton customer