Tag Archives: NRA

Things To Do With The Extra Hours Of Winter Darkness

Finally watch Stranger Things.

Gain Twitter followers from live tweeting Stranger Things.

Create a butt divot in your couch.

Lock yourself inside your home.

Call your mom so that she can reassure you winter won’t last forever.

Use your tears to get your daily 8 glasses of water.

Slowly unravel the sweater your aunt knitted for you as you chant “I can’t handle this” at the wall.

Contemplate death by firing squad because it’s quicker than death by winter’s wind.

Lose some Twitter followers because you’re tweeting too much about firing squads.

Thank the NRA for following you on Twitter.

Pull out your hair to crochet into a blanket.

Impress your aunt with your new blanket.

Type up a manifesto while eating a block of Velveeta cheese.

Crumple up your manifesto and start over because you typed, “Blood. Blood. Blood.” Instead of, “I’ve never gone to a Taylor Swift concert.”

Snuggle up to your laptop and wave to the Demogorgon as you pray for spring.

Briana Haynie

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NRA Gearing Up To Purchase America’s Naming Rights

In 2008, American’s elected Barack Obama on the premise of change, almost eight years later it seems the biggest change is just around the corner. Inside sources have indicated that the National Rifle Association, a majority stock holder in the House and the Senate, is preparing to flex their influence and purchase the naming rights to the United States. In 2014 the NRA spent $974,152 buying out individual congressmen, yet in 2013 they raised over $300 million and this surplus will soon be spent on a major political power play.

We reached out to NRA President Wayne LaPierre and he assured us that any changes would be minimal. “In most cases you’ll still be able to say you’re a ‘United States’ citizen, even when using abbreviations our great country’s title will be almost identical, with the exception of one letter.” The USAR.

Much to the excitement of AR-15 manufacturers like Barrett, Colt, and Knight’s Armament, the purchase of our country’s naming rights would solidify the AR-15 as a household rifle without the passage of legislation. “Wayne and I had numerous conversations about the upcoming purchase and found that it would only serve to strengthen the second amendment,” remarked former presidential candidate Ted Cruz, who was bought by the NRA for over $65,000. “Once we become the United States of Assault Rifles, it would be false advertising to reject them altogether. I think that’ll help folks sleep better at night.”

Aware of the importance of truth in advertising, the NRA recently acquired master-salesman Donald Trump to head up their latest campaign. “People think radical Islam is a bad word, but no one wants to say Assault Rifle either. Sad! It really is. So we’re going to hogtie the P.C. Police and force them to say it when they pledge allegiance to the great USofAR!” Trump said at a recent sales pitch following the Pulse Nightclub shooting that left 50 dead. “Once I’m running things, everyone will be packing heat. No background checks required. With that kind of firepower we won’t need gods to keep us safe. Trump. NRA. One Nation Under Guns!” he proclaimed as supporters fired celebratory rounds into the air.

With the country about to be bought out, the NRA has assured us that despite the name change, all the basic ingredients will remain the same. Under the United States of Assault Rifles, the second amendment will be safe from harm, just as the infallible slave owners who wrote the Constitution intended it to be.

Kevin Cole

Safe in an Unsafe Space with Toby Muresianu

Toby Muresianu is “a very funny engineer” working in California. His show, Unsafe Space, brings together comedians and experts to discuss pressing issues that face us today.  David Luna recently spoke with Toby about the show and his approach to politics and comedy.

How’s the year been for you as an entertainer in the most entertaining year of our contemporary history?

I’ve had a lot of good, entertaining years in my lifetime, but this is probably the most ridiculous, in terms of politics. It’s entertaining. I feel like I’m a pretty boring person. I always enjoyed things being more boring and safer and better for more people rather than exciting but also terrifying. People always tell political comedians “You must be so glad that there’s lots of material with terrible politicians!” and I’m like yeah, but I’m a person first. I’m not that greedy that I’d rather live in an awful country with plenty of fodder for material.

How long have you been doing stand-up?

About 14 years now. I got off to a slower start. I was one of those guys who did it once a month, and then I got into it gradually, more in earnest around 2006. I started when I was a freshman in college so most of my focus was on studying and college stuff.

Are you pursuing comedy full time? What are your personal goals as a human being?

I had been an engineer at Microsoft for a couple of years, and then I left to do app development and stand-up comedy. I’ve done that for a number of years. Sometimes I’d be making my living doing comedy and not focusing on apps, and sometimes that would flip-flop. It’s always been a bit murky. I’ll take side jobs, engineering on a comedy podcast, working for Uber and then blogging about it. Generally, I’ve been a comedian more than anything else, doing tangential sidework related to comedy since 2009. The idea of “full time comedian” is kind of murky. I could make a living if I stayed on the road all the time, but recently I’ve been staying in LA more to focus on stuff here.

What have been your most fulfilling experiences as a comedian?

In 2013 I did the Edinburgh Fringe Festival for the first time; I did an hour long solo show. Doing that and having a big crowd some days, just for me, that was the first time I’d consistently do an hour. I’d done it sporadically before that, but this was the first time it was my full show. I’m doing an hour every night, not filling it with crowd work. It was all material that I’m proud of, not throwing in hacky jokes to fill the time.

I was also running a show at the time, a compilation show. I was running two shows a day; it was a very hard experience. You’re in charge of promoting a show, everyone who comes in is coming exclusively to see you, and when you have a shitty set you take it personally because there’s no one else to blame it on. You’re responsible for it when it’s finished, but on the flip side, when it goes well, by the end of run you’re firing on all cylinders and it’s really rewarding.

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What are you involved with at the moment?

I always bite off more than I can chew, which is a blessing and curse. Right now, my big project is Unsafe Space, which is a live show and a podcast that I co-produce with my friend Lou Perez another comedian. It’s a live show where people do stand-up on controversial topics, and then there’s a response from experts in the field and a discussion with the audience.

Continue reading Safe in an Unsafe Space with Toby Muresianu

Where are the guns?

Honey? Honey wake up! Something’s not right.

Oh my god, where are my guns? They’re gone! They’re all gone! Okay, don’t panic, they’ve got to be here somewhere maybe I accidentally left them behind the gun safe or in the pantry, they’re always the last place you used them. Jesus, where did I put them? What if the kids got a hold of them? No. I always told them not to play with the guns. They’re good kids, they’ll listen. They — oh, thank god they’re asleep.

Wait a minute… Of course. That bastard! The man from the TV, he said he would take them! I thought we were safe, I thought if I locked them away I could hold onto them for one more day. How could I have let my guard down? He just came in the middle of the night, unseen and unheard, like an evil Santa Claus. We weren’t even offered the chance to participate in a buy-back program. Just like that all my guns are gone. My Colt, my AK, my Han Solo blaster replica! All gone!

I can’t defend myself, my family, my kingdom. We’ll have to enroll in Jiu Jitsu classes. I just hope those Brazillians can be trusted…

Hey kids! Who wants to learn a martial art!? We have to learn all of them before President Mussolini comes knocking the door down to take you away and force you to pray to his sun god.

Daddy’s just going to go to the bathroom for a minute and then we’ll begin your home schooling. Wait… WHERE IS IT!?!

Kevin Cole