Tag Archives: Obama

[Procrastinating Armageddon]

Armageddon

Stephen Craig

Armageddon isn’t going to start itself.  Has anyone noticed that it is June 2014 and we still exist? Weren’t we supposed to go down in 2012? That’s at least what I was expecting, but here we are still on this green earth.   The Mayans specifically requested that the world end, but the majority of people expected something big to happen to take us out.  Well, guess what? IT DIDN’T!!!  Obama is not the antichrist, aliens haven’t come back, and North Korea is all talk.

We need to stop procrastinating and press the restart button ourselves.  We shall allow a new generation of life to grow more prosperous and make more mistakes than we did.  How is this going to happen?  Good question.  If you’re a chickenwuss, quit reading and keep procrastinating. But if you’ve got balls then learn your potential destiny in the next couple examples so we can produce our own Apocalypse.

[Scenario 1: Zombie Town]

For all idiots (like me) who bunkered down with food and weapons for the scheduled Apocalypse.

This radical idea calls for you to pack up everything you have.   I know it’s your life’s savings and no one else can have it, but you’re still reading then you’ve agreed with my opening statement.  Armageddon is not going to start by itself.  So why hold onto it if you’ll never use it?  GREAT question!  No answer.  After you have packed up everything and before heading to Israel you need to stop by your local costume shop or makeup store (Wal-Mart is a good substitute).  This is where you will purchase (or steal since the world is about to end) all the blood and zombie makeup that they have.  Trust me you’ll need it.

Once acquired all shall rendezvous in Israel and start operation Zombie Town.  Disperse all food to the streets drawing in all the famished and all beastly wild creatures.  Cripple everything in sight with your bullets or your baseball bats, keeping in mind not to kill anything yet.  You then cover the crippled specimens in zombie blood or its own guts.  After you have properly created your Zombie Town the food is running out.  Hostile holy groups are on their way in to postpone your Apocalypse and it’s time to defend yourself and your beloved zombie creations.  Cripple and cover what you can, and kill and feed upon the rest.  Fight against all possible odds and hopefully kick start the non-living race.  Job isn’t done until you actually kick start the non-living race and prank the world into its own apocalypse.

[Scenario 2: Persuasive Letters]

For all writers and people with powers of persuasion.

This radical idea calls for all fit and worthy to form an anonymous committee.  You will need to be at a secret headquarters and have an underground way of delivering anonymous information to all the world’s countries.  I would also recommend gathering lethal drugs that taste like strawberries.

Operation Persuasive Letters can now commence.  Write a letter to all the world’s leaders; this includes nation leaders, religious leaders, and others with significant power and/or intelligence.  The job is to convince them all that they are ignorant, unproductive, and most of all, a bunch of tool bags.  Tell them they can’t get anything done.  They may want to save the world, but that’s impossible without a global restart.  Then tell them to quit procrastinating, get off you lazy butt and go ahead and kill yourself.  The only way to get something done is to have the leaders all commit suicide at the same time.  Make it easy on them by providing the lethal drugs with instructions in the letter.

Now if you did Part 1 right, Part 2 should come naturally and with an abundance of entertainment to the committee.  The world is in shock, and without its proper world leaders it’s ready to make mistakes.  Start to write another set of letters insulting the new world leaders and what they stand for.  However instead of sending the letters anonymously, sign them from the other new world leaders.  This should surely piss everybody off and get them to start blaming the first anonymous letters on the same people they received the second letter from.  Job isn’t done until you cue World War III and prank the world into its own Apocalypse.

[Bonus Scenario]

With Obama failing to be the antichrist, Al Gore suspending a hellfire earth by calling attention to global warming, and North Korea being all talk, who is going press the reset button by destroying the planet and making way for the next generation of life.

Check out The Annual’s Free Digital Issue Now

Subscribe to The Annual for only $20 a year!

Back In My Day – The Ebola Crisis

You kids are living in a golden age of medical technology. MRI machines, remote controlled robo-doctors, take-home pregnancy tests–the list goes on. Life expectancy is so high, I have yet to succumb to tubes shoved up my nose to tell me how to breathe, and I’m 86. Every disease is a fleeting cultural phenomenon that has the youth of this country hootin’ and hollerin’ as they dump water on their heads or run from one place to another.

But back in my day we knew how to take a disease head on. We didn’t partake in gimmicky viral videos; we targeted the viral infection, and we eliminated it.

In fact, there are many disease you’ve probably never heard of, thanks to my generation. Polio, for instance, is a thing of the past. I’m sure many of you don’t know what polio is, so I’ll be brief for those of you who will find this “too long” or “don’t read.” TL;DR polio was a horrible nightmare disease that left its victims sick to the point of paralysis.

When polio ravaged the countryside we had a real president running this once glorious nation. That president was Franklin Delano Roosevelt, a man who took note of the coming polio epidemic and set out to battle it personally. This was a man who understood you couldn’t wait around for a disease to reach its potential 100,000 weekly diagnoses. He learned firsthand how the disease affected the human body, all in the name of science. And it’s thanks to his bravery that polio is a thing of the past.

President Roosevelt wasn’t the only one to take on disease. Taft foresaw the current obesity epidemic and wedged himself into a bathtub as a warning to the nation about the dangers of obesity. Even a president in office as recent as Ronald Reagan was brave enough to come out using a hearing aid, a move to eliminate the stigma associated with common geriatric devices, it was the greatest thing he could do for national health during his presidency.

So perhaps this young hotshot in the White House ought to take a lesson from his elders. All I know is back in my day, Ebola wouldn’t have been a problem.


Giles-Giles Fisher (Guest Contributor)

Giles is a prominent member of the Falls Church Assisted Living community. He is well read, with over 30 books currently in his room and over one hundred in storage. Giles enjoys playing backgammon on wednesday afternoons with his pal Franklin.