Tag Archives: Ocean City MD

Sharks Celebrate Annual “Human Week” with One Last Kill Before Americans Forget Summer

(OCEAN CITY, MD) – As the kids all go back to school and summer comes to a close, there is one annual tradition that sharks have grown accustomed to – human week.

“Oh, I LIVE for Human Week,” says Cruiser, an Oceanic White-Tip who stopped in from the deep ocean for the festivities. “I look forward to it every year, it’s become a tradition for me and my family.”

When vacation season ends, there are those few who just love to get the final drop out of their summer, and hit the beaches in droves as the temperatures begin to fall. The increased activity and decrease in daylight makes a perfect combination for these apex predators.

“It’s basically an all-you-can-eat Human Buffet!” yells Puncture, an Atlantic Mako, as he chews on a tibia. “Normally, I eat trash and whatever slow fish I find, but these humans are just presenting themselves to us, we have to take advantage. I even called a few friends over to watch, it’s ridiculous! We had trivia, made some human-shaped jello shots, the works. Then we took a hit of human blood and went into a frenzy. It’s my favorite week of the year by far!”

Humans have recently been enthralled with Shark Week on the Discovery channel, hosting parties and creating drinking games for the event that celebrates sharks, and offers some insight into shark behaviors. That is, of course, after showing us fourteen different ways a Great White Shark can jump out of the water to bite a fake seal.

“We felt degraded, to be honest,” says Poseidon, an enormous Great White Shark. “Humans continuously mock us. Like ‘haha look he thought that fake seal was a real seal!’ Yeah, no duh! We’re starving down here, we need like hundreds of pounds of food per meal. Plus, why are they so interested to watch us get busy and have babies? We aren’t crashing through the walls of emergency rooms and breaking into bedrooms at night. Just let us do our thing. I bet hearing that we have a Human Week will send shark-fin soup orders up tenfold.”

Humans don’t normally care about sharks, but when Shark Week is on they claim sharks are their favorite thing in the whole world, similarly, most sharks also don’t care about humans until Human Week.

“What do I care if humans are dying from hunger all over the world? I’ve got stuff to do,” quips Chomp, a 19 year old Common Hammerhead. “But this week, I’m all about eating humans. I learned a little bit about them, too, like how they all kill things for fun, and want to elect people to lead them when they have no history of leading. Humans are wild. But next week, nah, I won’t do a single thing to help humans. Maybe next Human Week though!”

“We sharks have been around for millions of years,” explains Thresh, a local Sand Shark. “We’ve seen humans do lots of stupid stuff, and they will continue to do stupid things. But we sharks will just keep living our lives here, under the sea. I bet in a thousand years they will have forgotten what Shark Week was about in the first place. You’ll probably be ritualistically sacrificing people to us sharks based on a mistranslation of what Shark Week used to be. But we’ll remember, though, and we will appreciate the sacrifice. Think of Human Week as the appetizer to when that day comes.”

Human Week in Ocean City runs from September 25th through October 1st. Have fun in the waves!

TM Scholtes

How to Vote in The Maryland Primary

Tuesday will a big day for voters, with 5 states hosting their primary elections. Maryland is set to play a key role with 95 delegates at stake for Democrats and 38 for republicans. This comes with numerous changes to the voting process as the state has decided to forego electronic ballots, luckily we have all the tips you need to cast your vote in the Maryland Primary.

Finding Your Polling Place

Your polling location should have been mailed out to you. In the event that you forgot, the easiest way to locate it is to go outside the night before election day, locate the North Star and follow it for 57 paces. This should plant your right in front of your designated polling place, leave a trail of bread crumbs so that you can locate it in the morning.

What To Bring

While the constitution ensures your right to vote, there are strict laws in place to protect you from voter fraud. The easiest way to be guaranteed your ability to vote remains is to bring a copy of your fourth grade year book, this has been the gold standard of identification since the Lincoln administration.

New Ballots

While Maryland votes are no longer cast with electronic machines, the new ballots aren’t entirely new. Election officials have opted to revert back to methods used by the state’s founding fathers. When you arrive at your polling place, you will be given an electoral crab mallet, find the crab that represents your chosen candidate and give it wack (names are often written on the underside of the crab in blue sharpie). The bashed crab will then be cooked and fed to a state delegate representing your candidate, the delegate to gain the most weight decides the outcome.

Voting While Independent

Independent voters get very little say in Maryland’s closed primary. So little say that independents who enter a polling place are often locked up and sentenced to 6 months in prison, which tends to disqualify them from voting in the general election. However, it is still possible for independents to make their voices heard. When the moon is in its third phase, burn an effigy to your candidate of choice deep within a field of corn, let the blaze catch amongst the crops and spread to the nearby villages. The message of your chosen candidate will be carried on ashes and taken to the state house in Annapolis.

Upon Completion

Wear your “I Voted” sticker with pride so that you do not fall victim to the hoards of spring breakers, searching a human beer bong to take with them Ocean City.

Kevin Cole