by Stuart Gunter | Illustrated by Parker Benbow
It’s very possible that many of you have begun speculating whether or not The Annual would go on, it had been a while since issue 10. It even seemed as though the month of September had been skipped in it’s entirety. However, The Annual is back baby!
Coming October 21st, our Oct/Nov spectacular hits virtual store shelves and will then be mailed straight to your physical door! This issue features fall fashion tips, halloween costume ideas, an interview with Emily Heller, tributes to Joan Rivers and Robin Williams and so much more. It’s a bimonthly comedic extravaganza that you won’t want to miss! Click here to preorder your copy!
This issue features material from:Parker Benbow, Isabel Duarte, Amber George, Hannah Gutman, Briana Haynie, David Luna, Andrew Michaels, Buddy Purucker, and Steve Younkins!
It’s only human to forget things, but there’s nothing worse than arriving at your first day of school unprepared for classes. Here are some commonly overlooked school supplies compiled by The Annual Staff:
- Pepper Spray
A seven hundred pound gorilla with a penchant for hugs
- Dunce Caps
- Catheters and Colostomy bags.
- A Netflix account
- An extra pair of underwear, just in case
- A three-legged stool to go with the dunce cap
- Vodka soaked fruit snacks
The biggest problem with the summer seems to be the constant energy consumption. You’ll do anything to stay cool, until the bill arrives. Luckily, we at The Annual have compiled a list of simple ways to keep energy costs down while beating the heat.
- Unplug your fridge at night, the air naturally cools down once the sun goes down so you won’t need to worry about anything spoiling.
- Use migrant labor instead of electric fans.
- Knock large holes in all your exterior walls, and enjoy the cross breeze.
- Go old school and carry a box fan on your shoulder like a boombox.
- Sign a pact in phallic blood with Marchosias, mighty archduke of Hell, and be granted the ability to thrive in all temperatures.
- Instead of wasting your own energy figuring out ways to save energy, just turn on the a/c and listen to ac/dc’s greatest hits.
(P.s. Best results are found when using a vaporizer while listening).
- Plan ahead by harvesting ice during the winter, then use it to insulate your home in the summer.
- Purchase a summer home on the moon. You must provide your own transportation. Time shares available.
- Scope out the homes of older couples going on vacation. Move into home, and tell neighbors that your great-aunt and uncle who previously inhabited the house died in a freak accident. Replace all photographs in the home with pictures of yourself and your cat. Alternately, for more sustainable use, scope out the homes of older couples who may kick the bucket soon.
Compiled by Parker Benbow, Kevin Cole, Nicolas Contreras, Isabel Duarte, David Luna, and Steve Younkins
What I’ve come to learn more and more is that comedians aren’t just “funny guys”. Those who excel in any art are not limited to one skill. In fact, their genius reflects upon every other aspect of their lives, making these individuals brilliant in more ways than we can immediately perceive. We can all learn from those with real passion.
I spoke with someone who has been an outstanding improvisational comedian for over two decades. He is wise, he loves dogs, and he is not lacking in passion. His name is…
David Luna: Tell me your earliest memory.
Brad Sherwood: My earliest memory in performing: I was in preschool and I did You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown, and I was Snoopy, and I was just laying on the doghouse, dancing the whole time. That was my first memory of being in front of an audience.
DL: Can you remember how you felt when you worked your first acting job?
BS: I liked it. I liked being in front of people. I was an only child, so I think I was a little starved for attention. Being around people was such a rarity for me. I felt like I lived a lot of time in solitary with my own thoughts, so any time I got a chance to be with other people was really exciting.
DL: Do you feel the same way today about acting? Do you feel like you always want to be in front of people, or do you also reserve a good chunk of time for solemn introspection or just solitude?
BS: Now the only time I like to be around people is when I’m performing. Now I’m back to being a completely solitary, hermit-like person, except for when I’m performing.
DL: What do you do with the time you have to yourself? Any creative things?
BS: Yeah, I have a lot of different creative outlets. Sometimes I play guitar and write sort of folky, introspective-y kind of songs. Sort of James Taylor, Cat Stevens-like stuff. And I paint, but I haven’t painted in a long time. Mostly abstract, weird stuff, like Peter Max.
DL: Of the music you’ve written, is any of it available for people to listen to online, or is it stuff you do privately?
BS: It’s mostly stuff I do privately. I should actually be a little more organized. Most of it’s in a fairly listenable state that I can actually probably put it on iTunes. I would never be looking for it to be a real source of income, but for people interested in hearing “oh, what kind of songs does Brad write,” I should get more organized and throw it on to iTunes.
DL: Out of the projects that you’ve been involved with, which ones have been the most rewarding?
BS: Really, my favorite is what Colin and I are doing now, which is our live tour. It’s so much fun. We both like being in front of a live audience, we both like making people laugh and we have complete creative control over the show, so we’re the ones calling the shots. We go out 40 to 50 times a year, and it pays our bills and keeps us busy and we still have lots of free time to do other things, including taping Whose Line and other projects. So, it’s really the best of both worlds.
The Shop follows the day-to-day life of Lewis, its one and only clerk. His daily interactions with the regular and one-time customers often resembles group therapy mixed with a southern revival. Freaks, geeks, enthusiasts and tools, Lewis not only sells music, but often solves the world’s problems….in theory, anyway.
Kraft Food recalled 96,000 pounds of mislabeled wieners, cheese dogs were listed as classic dogs and for a brief period of time, chaos reigned. This left Kraft Foods with a surplus of 96,000 pounds of unused wieners. Luckily a team of Annual writers have put their heads together to find some practical uses for the seemingly unusable weenies.
- Filler for Madame Tussaud wax figures
- Edible pens
- Game pieces the world’s most questionable Jenga tournament
- A sculpture of Oscar Mayer’s famous wiener
- Lincoln logs
- An eco-friendly alternative to those colorful plastic spheres that poison the ball pits of our children’s play areas
- Apathetic darts
- The worst Haunnukah ever, it’d be a different story were there to be a massive recall of Hebrew National dogs.
- The best version of A Nightmare on Elm Street
- Pull one hell of a prank on PETA. Open the office closet? Avalanche of dogs. Time for lunch? Break room fridge-turned sausage fest.
- Literal sausage fest
- Unstable high heels
- Anti vegetarian gauges
- The claws for toy crane machines
- The literal Hunger Games aka World’s Greatest Hot Dog Eating Contest Ever
- A hellish game of chance for lactose intolerant prisoners
- Rations for WWIII
Whether you work at Kraft or you’re wondering what to do with your recalled prepackaged meat, we sincerely hope this list will help you through these dark times.
Practical wiener uses by Parker Benbow, Lily Fryburg, Hannah Gutman, Briana Haynie, Andrew Michaels, Emily Perper, and Scott Travers