Tag Archives: Patricia Grant

Written Off by Family, Black Sheep Suzie is Officially a Free Agent. Adopt Her Today!

Is family life a bore? Do you dread going home to your perfect brood? It sounds like your family needs a Black Sheep – why not Suzie? She excels at disrupting harmonious family dynamics. A week with Suzie is guaranteed to infuse your home with the misery you crave and you’ll have an excuse to start drinking again!

Is Junior struggling in school? Was Sister caught “out with the boys?” Adopt Suzie and she’ll make your troublesome teens look like pious angels and budding brainiacs in comparison. Trust us, we don’t call her a Black Sheep for nothing – she’s terrible!

Her compact size and flexible, liquor-limber limbs makes her ideal for travel. Take her to the In-Law’s for the holidays and she’ll really #@&$ it up!  Guaranteed to “ruin Christmas” for years to come! Her nightly weeping is “whisper-quiet.” You won’t hear a thing! Best of all, Suzie will cost you NOTHING in school tuition because she was expelled from community college AND ceramics class at the Recreation Center AND tumbling class at the gym. She doesn’t even try anymore! Suzie has had all her shots and is toilet-trained (unless you make her really, really mad). She’ll have sex with Slow Uncle Dan! She has a chronic case of “the sharts” and loves to tell people about it! This girl’s terrible!

Don’t let your family go another day without the benefits of a Black Sheep child. Every family needs one – why not Suzie? She’s the best – at being the worst!

Here’s how to order:

Suzie is available for long term or short term adoption. Drop her a note in Dumpster E24 in the alley behind the Hooters on Bascom Avenue. Or send her an email at blacksheepsuz@hotmail.com and she’ll get back to you in July 2025 when they reinstate her computer privileges at the library.

Patricia Grant

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4 Stories That Prove Cheese Balls Are The Bad Boys of the Snack World

If the company you keep says something about the kind of person you are, then so too do the snacks you consume. Be it the cheese-flavored puffed-corn variety eaten directly from a jug or the more sophisticated, toothpick skewered party appetizer, the cheese ball has earned a reputation as the bad boy of the snack world. Here are 4 news stories that prove wherever cheese balls go, trouble follows:

1. Black Bear lured by cheese balls becomes jug-headed, is rescued by lasso-wielding B&B owner.

Anything consumed directly out of plastic jug is likely to stir up some kind of mischief (if only in our bowels) and is probably best avoided. You don’t have to tell that to the aptly named “Jug Head Bear,” a young black bear in Colorado who managed to get his head stuck in a discarded cheese ball jug.

A local bed and breakfast owner spotted the unlucky animal and decided to intervene – with his lasso, of course. After man and bear engaged in “a couple of good rolls in the grass,” the proper authorities arrived on the scene and Jug Head Bear was tranquilized and relieved of the jug. And you can bet that’s the last time he goes sniffing around after cheese balls.

2. Man throws cheese balls at woman’s car; woman retaliates by plowing over, killing man.

Nobody likes to have cheese balls thrown at their car, it’s just plain rude. However, killing the perpetrator in retaliation is a bit of an overreaction – even in Australia. An Australian court convicted a Sydney woman of murder and sentenced her to 18 years in prison for running over and killing a man for throwing cheese balls at her car. She was drunk and high at the time of the murder, so that may have influenced her overreaction, but then again, cheese balls are pretty infuriating.

3. Drive Defensively. You never know when a nut-covered cheese ball is going to fly through your windshield.

According to the Eagan Minnesota Police Blotter, on December 27, 2013, at 7:23 pm, someone “threw a “nut covered cheese ball” out of the window of a moving vehicle. The cheese ball hit the windshield of another vehicle and shattered it.

Clearly, something happened here, but what exactly? What series of events could have possibly led to a “nut-covered cheese ball” being thrown out the window of the moving vehicle? Did the cheese ball provoke some kind of heated exchange between the vehicle’s occupants? Was it a joke or were they simply disposing of an unwanted nut covered cheese ball? Alas, the world may never know, but we can be sure that whatever it was, it was nutty.

4. Cheese ball caper exposed when stolen goods fall out of thief’s shorts.

A Kingston, Ontario man attempted to steal a $7 cheese ball (That must be some fancy ball of cheese.) from a grocery store by stuffing it oh-so-casually down his shorts then making a break for the door. The poorly secured cheese ball tumbled out of the man’s shorts – right in front of security – and his plot was foiled. How embarrassing. The thief was apprehended and sentenced to 60 days in jail. That’s a long time to go without cheese balls.

So, the next time you reach for some cheese balls, remember these stories and choose the honey mustard pretzels instead. Honey mustard pretzels wouldn’t be caught dead on the Eagan Minnesota Police Blotter.

Patricia Grant

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Please Plan Accordingly For This Week in Crazy Town

The traffic light at First and Hobart will turn green for thirty seconds this Monday at 10:34 a.m. It will then revert to red for the remainder of the decade. Please plan accordingly.

The courtesy coffee bar at the Quickee Oil on Main St. will be restocked at 3 p.m. this Tuesday when Josh the service technician/janitor is scheduled to finally get off his lazy ass. Large crowds expected. Please plan accordingly.

The semi-annual reopening of our community mass grave is scheduled for Wednesday. “Senior Roundup” begins 6 a.m. sharp. All eligible seniors in dead or near-dead condition must be placed curbside by 6 a.m. for pickup and disposal. Please plan accordingly.

Crazy Town will observe a period of “lawlessness” on Thursday from 11 a.m. to 4 p.m. in honor of our founding fathers Kill’em All Kennedy and Stabby-Joe Johnson. Murder and mayhem expected, vigilante justice encouraged. Please plan accordingly.

The pickup/drop off helicopter pad at Sunnybrook Elementary will be closed for the Elk’s club annual hip-hop dance party and laser light show on Friday afternoon. Parents of students, please plan accordingly.

The Crazy Town Event Center will host the Erotic Bonsai and Lewd Quilt Expo this Saturday. Commencement ceremony begins at 9 a.m. to be followed by a parade of the exhibits through historic downtown. Surrounding roads will be closed to through traffic until 2 p.m. Please plan accordingly.

The lawn at Podunk Park will be closed this Sunday for the second coming of demigod Zuul, as prophesied by our Lord and Savior Rick Moranis. Tiny Tot soccer practice will be held at the Golden Horizon Assisted Living Facility. Residents of the Golden Horizon Assisted Living Facility will be held in the corral at Old Man Hornaby’s Petting Zoo and Pony Rides. Please plan accordingly.

A friendly reminder: residential streets are subject to repaving at the mayor’s whim. All cars, personal items, pets and persons left on the street during the hours of said whim will be paved over without exception. Please plan accordingly.

Patricia Grant

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