Tag Archives: Political Humor

#GiveHillaryAGirlfriend

Across the internet, the rallying cry of a generation has emerged: MAKE IT GAYER! they shout, from #GiveElsaAGirlfriend to #GiveCaptainAmericaABoyfriend it’s time that these characters hook-up with someone of the same gender identity. Representation is important, but why must that it be limited to the purely fictional. What we need is homosexual representation in the real world, which is why it’s the perfect time to #GiveHillaryAGirlfriend.

What more inspiring visage for LGBTQ youth could their be than to pair our first female president with a first lady? Up until now, Hillary Clinton hasn’t seen much viral success, but with #GiveHillaryAGirlfried she could become an internet sensation, giving her the strength to break away from Donald Trump as they grow closer in the polls.

Of course, there will be plenty of naysayers, those who believe Hillary should stick to political canon which dictates that she has been a lifelong heterosexual, married to former President Bill Clinton since 1975. However, even Hillary was canonically opposed to same-sex marriage until 2013. Perhaps as characters grow, they can have a change of heart and given the fluid nature of sexuality it is entirely possible that she could find herself attracted to someone of the same gender. Bill was a great addition to the Hillary Clinton saga, he added an incredible dramatic plot line in the late 90s, but it’s time to retire the character for something hotter. If the polls reflect that the people really want to #GiveHillaryAGirlfriend then perhaps that will nudge her in the right direction, as it has on so many other important issues. It’s time that we unite as a party and proclaim “I’m with her and also her!”

Kevin Cole

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Donald J. Trump Statement Regarding Abortion (2nd Revision)

Abortion is a tricky subject. There are a lot of layers. A lot of Layers. But my wavering stance on the issue doesn’t mean I’m not right for women, much like Mel Gibson, I know what women want, I hate the jews, and I don’t shy away from using the term sugartits. I know the PC police aren’t fans of that word. “Oh, did you hear Trump said sugartits? How un-PC!” Well tough tits, I know women’s bodies and I understand the government’s right to control them.

The problem is, women don’t know women’s bodies. I know, I can read their minds, like I said: Mel Gibson. What Women Want. Terrific film. I read a woman’s mind on 5th Avenue and all she could think about was having a baby, carrying it to term, and should something happen prior to birth finding peace while serving hard time. That seems fair. But I echo this sentiment and suddenly everyone’s upset with me? Excuse me, but it’s not my fault they can’t make up their minds. So suddenly I’m anti-women? Me?

Even Lyin’ Cruz is stepping up to the plate? Have you seen his wife? He marries and uggo and suddenly he’s a crusader for women’s rights!? THAT’S NOT HOW IT WORKS TED. I don’t want Ted’s support. I don’t need Ted’s support. But I’m pretty sure we’re both republicans, which means we know a women’s place isn’t in prison – but it’s also not in the work place, I’m looking at you Fiorina.

Look, when I’m president this won’t even be an issue. We won’t have to make abortion illegal because women won’t need abortions. I guarantee it. I have the purest seed and billions of dollars. So when you come to see me on mandatory mating day, trust me, you’re in good large hands.

-Donald J. Trump

Dr. Ben Carson’s Diary

The Annual, through a top-secret mission of secrecy, was able to obtain a piece of writing straight from Dr. Ben Carson’s diary written after he dropped out of the 2016 race. We present it here in its entirety. 

March 2nd, 2016

Dear Diary,

What an awful couple of days. As it turns out, I am not meant to be President. After my defeat on Super Tuesday there isn’t a reason to continue my campaign any longer.

I’ll manage but I’m worried dear diary, what will happen to my hands? The hands that successfully detached two twins conjoined at the head. The hands that inspired the book and movie Gifted Hands, and the hands whose fingerprints resemble the image of Jesus. What will become of my five point healing machines now that they’ll never get the chance to fix America?

I thought the power of my scalpel carriers would carry me through to the White House. But America is too politically correct to understand the healing power of these fists. All I had to do was get to the Washington, step into the oval office and place a single hand on my desk, the President’s desk, and everything would have been okay. War would have ceased, race would have become a non-issue, and my eyes would have stayed open for an entire State Of The Union Address. This could have been yours America!

But now what should I do with my magnificent metacarpi? Stick them in my pockets?! That’s a disgrace to the history of neurosurgery. No, my gifted hands are meant to do great things I just have to figure out what those next great things will be. For now I will continue making money by appearing on Fox News, and selling off the rest of my Carson2016 pins.

That’s it for now diary; I’m off to treat my mighty dukes to a massage.

 Dr. Ben

Ben Carson Comes Out of Hibernation in Time for Super Tuesday

This week saw an unprecedented, energetic Ben Carson kick in the doors to his campaign headquarters, ready to take charge of his presidential campaign just in time for the Super Tuesday primaries. Those close to the candidate have reported that his sleepy demeanor was actually the result of a long-held sleep pattern developed shortly before Dr. Carson separated a pair of conjoined twins.

Carson chronicled the process in his memoir Gifted Hands:

The surgery was to last four hours. Any well-rested surgeon will begin to get the finger shakes after two hours of intensive surgery so I knew I had to develop a way to stay rested as the surgery progressed. I began to practice the motions until I could literally do it in my sleep. As time went on I perfected the method, allowing myself to sleep for day, even weeks at a time, without notice. I would communicate with patients, perform complex surgeries, and be present for important family events while asleep. My daughter’s wedding is an actual dream to me.”

Behind the scenes, Dr. Carson has survived the election with the help of his well-maintained sleep team. For most events, Carson is placed on a pair of roller skates and given a good shove towards a podium. From there he’s on autopilot, able to deliver a speech without the audience noticing a mental disconnect from the world around him.

“It’s an incredible breakthrough for politics!” said Carson’s business manager, Armstrong Williams. “Just imagine the possibilities! We can save tax payer dollars by allowing congressmen to spout off their deeply held beliefs while asleep. They could work for 24 straight hours without a break for food or accommodation. As long as they have the right folks pushing them into place they can avoid an entryway snafu like at the New Hampshire debate. I’ll admit that was rough, but Ben’s teaching me how to use the technique in my own life and I’m already looking forward to waking up to the Carson presidency.”

Though effective for Carson, this new method of sleep campaigning has its detractors. Among them is Carson’s former campaign manager Barry Bennett: “Sure he was in the room, actively participating in conversation, but he was never actually there. You have to be engaged to run a successful campaign and I couldn’t work with a candidate who’s coasting by making statements like ‘the Jews could have prevented the Holocaust if they had guns.’ That dream logic doesn’t work in the real world.”

Now wide-awake, Carson has been seen doing cartwheels on the campaign trail. He’s connecting with voters like never before, joking and laughing. He once became so excited at the prospects of his presidential campaign that he was heard yelling from two blocks away. Carson now presents an energy that surpasses that of Donald Trump and has reportedly fractured 87 wrists giving out campaign trail handshakes.

This uptick in energy from the candidate has many supporters at ease, now knowing Carson is actually excited to run for president. With poll numbers through the roof, it looks like he may turn around the race and take home the nomination. This is believed to be good news for the GOP, who is currently at odds with their idealist frontrunner. Studies show Carson will likely grow tired and reenter his sleep cycle in October, just ahead of the general election.

Kevin Cole

Santorum’s Campaign Entirely Fueled by Thoughts and Prayers

Annual Hackers recently uncovered the following email from within the Santorum campaign.


Dear Rick,

The latest polls are in and I simply must implore you to try a new campaign strategy. Back in 2012 you were a potential frontrunner, now we are dead last among every other GOP candidate. Rick, I’m begging you, please let us get out and do some actual campaigning. Enlisting evangelicals to come in and pray 8 hours a day for you to win is not working. You and I both know that God wants us to win, but we don’t have a change in H-E-Double hockey sticks if don’t start printing out flyers or putting your face on a billboard. Anything.

I’ve CCed the Santorum Think Tank on this as well. It cost a lot to fill a room with atheists and pay them to think about your presidency and the fact that you will win, but that’s no longer enough. I’m putting my foot down as campaign manager and asking them to stop thinking about the end goal and rather what it will take for us to get there. I’ve also asked the Think Tank to stop thinking about how “God is dead” because it might be counteracting the 8 hour prayer circle.

If prayers fail to start upping our poll numbers by Wednesday I will pull our staffers from the prayer circle so we can pay them to do graphic design and whatever else they were hired for.

Terry Allen
Campaign Manager – Santorum 2016

Bernie’s Campfire – ISIS, Islam and The Big Lebowski

On this week’s broadcast, Bernie Sanders discusses the correlation between ISIS and Islam (surprise, there is none).

Please send any questions you have for Senator Sanders to BerniesCampfire@gmail.com or tweet @SandersCampfire.

Click here to hear past addresses.