Tag Archives: Political Humor

Back In My Day – President Frankenstein

For the majority of my life I have been under the impression that we were to hold our presidential candidates to a higher standard than the average joe out on the street. However, the latest announcement from Mr. Dr. Benjamin Carson has made it clear to me that times have changed. The GOP has clearly shown a lack of judgment by allowing anyone to toss their hat into the ring. Dr. Carson fancies himself to be a neurosurgeon, a brain scientist for those millennials who are following politics but fail to recognize how one medical procedure can effectively shift the course of human events. Given this man’s comprehensive knowledge of the human brain, we must ask, what is he capable of?

Let’s start in 1987, when Carson separated a pair of conjoined twins, fused at the back of the head. Those twins were happily when along came this so called “doctor” with a thirst for success, eager to play god. A living symbol of unity, created as god intended. Dr. Carson, however, saw them as freaks, set out separate the two and did so successfully. Driven by his own ego, Carson gave the world a glimpse of his freakish medicinal power.

Ben Carson also helped to create and regularly performed the hemispherectomy, a surgery that involves the removal of an entire hemisphere of the brain. This is supposedly used to control severe cases of epilepsy but I am not fooled. This man’s overall knowledge of both the body and brain presents a dangerous reality. As we all know, thanks to Obama, our healthcare is in the hands of the government and under a Carson administration he would be given free reign to perform his sick experiments, excuse me, “procedures” on anyone he wishes. The nation will be his operating table. What happens when the elderly are given mandatory ice pick lobotomies in an effort to preserve their youth? What should happen if Carson’s loved ones parish? Will he simply harvest new body parts from the lower class, use it to house the brain of his nephew and then hoist it high above the white house on a stormy night in order to breathe new life into them?

If Dr. Ben Carson is at all interested in preserving this country, he needs to take a stand and answer these questions. Carson must step forward and make it clear that he will maintain the national tradition of putting politics before science, no matter the cause. We do not need a Dr. President Carson (or a President Dr. Carson, whatever the preferred term may be) telling us how to properly live our lives. If he wants to recommend “life saving procedures” that will scramble our brains and cause us all to think the same way, then he ought to do so as the Surgeon General, where such recommendations can be ignored. Otherwise, he will want to scrub the title “Doctor” from his name if he hopes to have any chance of victory.


GilesGiles Fisher (Guest Contributor)

Giles is a prominent member of the Falls Church Assisted Living community. He is well read, with over 38 books currently in his room and over one hundred in storage. Giles recently underwent pancreatic surgery for what his children tell him “is his own good.”

Obama’s New Guidelines for the NSA

Earlier this week it was announced that President Obama had sent a letter to the NSA proposing changes which considered to be “reasonable goals.” In the interest of maintaining transparency The Annual has come into possession of said proposal through a series of wire taps and we would now like to share it with the American public.

Gen. Alexander,

I hope you don’t mind if I call you Keith, perhaps General Keith, I’m not sure which I like best. In the past year, your department has come under increased public scrutiny thanks to noted war criminal Edward Snowden. Still, I believe we must change things to show that we’re doing some good for the nation. Here are my very reasonable goals for NSA in 2014:

  • Give all Americans a courtesy call prior to phone tapping, that way they’re aware that the NSA is listening to their every word.
  • Convert every mirror into two-way mirrors.
  • Consider sending complimentary fruit baskets to unhappy Americans in order to smooth things over.
  • For the love of God, limit the tap time on sex lines. Those bastards are still charging us.
  • Establish a backup plan for the backup plan when lines are down. Cups with string have to be proven ineffective.
  • Remove toilet-cams from all government buildings and fast food restaurants.
  • If you hear a man speaking with a “girly man” voice, it is your duty to inform him. Refer him to the James Earl Jones hotline.
  • The Hills Have Eyes themed decorations for all newly constructed NSA surveillance buildings.
  • Literally installing the eyes of traitors to the US in various hills, that way the public will know we’re serious.
  • Agents need to stop telling people that NSA stands for “Non-Stop America.”
  • Send out ads that correspond to what people have been talking about, people like targeted advertisements.
  • Send out letters detailing out poor grammar and choices, while providing information for local ESL classes.
  • New complimentary Birthday, Engagement, Anniversary, New born, New Job, New car, Pet Birthday, Sympathy For Your Plant Dying, Congrats On Getting That Stye Removed, Congrats For Completing One Year of Therapy; Here’s To The Next Twenty, Yeah That Amazon Customer Service Rep Was A Complete Dick, and I’m Sorry Your Mom Keeps Calling Asking Why The TV Isn’t Working cards.
  • Convert all insects into listening devices. AKA: Bugs

Seems simple enough. Increasingly covert and 100% serious. I’m not talking about reinventing the shoe phone here. Just some simple improvements for 2014.

HAGS (Have A Great Summer)

-President Barack H. Obama

Support the Annual and receive humor every bi-month for only $20 a year!

Letter composed by:

Parker Benbow, Kevin Cole, Lily Fryburg, Briana Haynie, Matt Lee, Andrew Michaels, Emily Perper, Scott Travers

Legislative Schedule

Bills To Be Heard Today:

SB 106: Commission Task Force to Study: Propeller Hats—The Future of Aviation?

HB 289: BUDGET RESOLUTION: Allocate $90 billion for ‘bacne’ cure, because, ew.

HB 1054: BUDGET RESOLUTION: $40/week for divorced dads to take their kid to Dave & Busters for once,. Geez, Dad, your house is so boring. Mom’s is way more fun.

HB 874: Bill to outlaw ‘Night Parents.’

SB 1: Increase the salary of the legislator from District 24 with the great haircut and the damn good-looking teeth to $1,000,000,000 annually. WITHDRAWN.

SB 666: Scary bill. Please kill this bill.

SB 201: Bill to Outlaw ‘Truck Nutz.’

AMENDMENT: Bill to stop Calvin from peeing on everything, goddamnit.

HB 894: BUDGET RESOLUTION: Commemorate the death of the 500th victim of gun violence in our state by giving their family a vacation to the Bahamas! Allocates $4,000 for fun snorkeling and fun swimming times, because this is about the most meaningful gun violence legislation we’ll be able to pass.

SB 2: You all have to like my really funny statuses on Facebook, okay?

HB 755: BUDGET RESOLUTION: Holy shit, did you guys see that article about carbon nanotubes? Can we get some of that here?

 

RECEPTIONS: 

Beginning at 6 p.m. or When Voting is Complete

  • STATE LEGISLATURE SUMMIT. HOSTED BY: The Mountain Climbers Caucus. This will take place on the summit of a mountain.
  • STANKY LEG NIGHT. HOSTED BY: The Stanky Leg. Come do the Stanky Leg with your favorite state legislators!

 Scott Travers

Legislative Schedule was originally published in The Annual #3, purchase your copy today!