Attention all Snailex Broadcast Inc. employees:
Following an incident during yesterday’s coverage of President-elect Trump’s administrative team, in which a reporter referred to Steve Bannon as “a fucking Nazi” on air, we have decided it best to review proper language for coverage of people in positions of power with a history of being rude to minorities.
Out of respect for the office of the president, we ask all reporters to refrain from using the following terms in reference to Steve Bannon:
- White Supremacist
- White Nationalist
- Infrequent bather
- A man who didn’t want his kids to go to school with Jewish children
- Herr Goebbels
- Some sort of monster facing abuse allegations
- A devil on Donald Trump’s very crowded shoulder
Below are the approved terms that you may use to refer to the President-Elect’s chief strategist:
- Breitbart Chairman
- Champion of the Alt-Right movement
- Semitically Challenged
- Supporter of white causes
- Fun loving guy
- War of Northern Aggression Enthusiast
- A man with black friends
- A white hot ray of sunshine
- Old fashioned
- A typical Trump supporter
Please pay careful attention what you say about the incoming administration or we may all be looking for work come February.
VP of News
Last night, Marco Guteirrez, founder of Latinos for Trump, threatened that “if you don’t do something about [immigration] you are going to have taco trucks on every corner.” This is very on-message for the Trump campaign, even if it is toned down from usual threat of murder and rape from across the border.
At this very moment, Clinterns are hard at work wedging this 5 second soundbite into the campaign’s next ad calling Donald Trump a double-racist:
VOICE OVER as black and white clips from cable news play on screen:
Just when you thought it was safe to listen to a Trump Supporter…
Taco trucks on every corner!!
note to editors: insert 20 more seconds of racist trump quotes here.
However, this is counter-intuitive. The Clinton Campaign would be wise to spend their resources embracing “taco trucks on every corner” as opposed to making it another flagship moment of Trump-based racism.
Obviously, Clinton isn’t hurting in the latino demographic, Trump’s done an excellent job of ensuring her success there. “Taco trucks on every corner” has the potential to be another “hot sauce in my bag” moment for Hillary. It’s a welcoming message to so many groups, particularly white male taco truck owners in the Bernie or Bust camp.
Taco trucks on every corner comes with the promise of job growth, diversity, and an increase in tacos. Let’s face it Hillary, people love tacos and if Trump can successfully run on a platform of “having the best words” why not win by having the best tacos?
Donald Trump is a corpse, a walking amalgamation of rotting human flesh, and if this wasn’t made apparent by his braindead ramblings it all became clear this week. During a campaign rally in Anaheim a fly made it’s way towards Trump and comfortably nested in his hairpiece. Flies are known to flock to the dead, they mark the start of decomposition, an unfortunate transformation that Trump’s lifeless body is currently enduring. This is important to note as Trump has the ability to walk and while he may sleep in a coffin, his constant movement during the day makes it hard for the worms to do their work.
Pay close attention to Trump’s rhetoric and you’ll find that it is that of a Confederate General brought back to life. “Make America Great Again” it’s all an effort to harken back to the first and only time that brain was truly alive.
It is believed that Donald Trump was built by three Russian child-scientists, Ivanka, Eric and Donald Truplin. In 1989 the team, under contract by Gorbachev, dug up corpses from across Russia and assembled the man who they would grow to call father. With the help of Russian spies they stole the brain of Confederate General Braxton Bragg while visiting the Smithsonian. Born anew, Bragg was brainwashed into believing he had been reincarnated as a wealthy American named Donald Trump.
Soon the creature would believe every bit of its own backstory and take the American economy by storm. Most of this was done by talking big, after all Braxton Bragg wasn’t the general’s given name but rather a nickname used on the battlefield. Bragg was a well known boaster, a general who won many battles by accident, took all the credit for himself and brutally decapitated the families of his enemies. War was a sport to him, as it will be once more when this Soviet-Confederate Corpse becomes our president.
In the months to come, we can expect to see more flies ravaging his body, as he drones on failing to notice chunks of human flesh slowly being devoured. By the October debates he will have lost an eye (likely mid-debate) but that will only bring a gain in the polls. He will tout it as a handicap, bringing on more sympathy votes as his limbs begin to fail. Once the corpse is confined to a wheelchair being pushed around by a Brazilian super model, he will compare himself to FDR and gain most of Bernie Sanders’ supporters. As president he will divert all funds to his scientist children who will work tirelessly to keep him alive for the next 8 years and in a midnight regulation he will blow the earth to bits, shouting “If I can’t have it, no one can!”
Across the internet, the rallying cry of a generation has emerged: MAKE IT GAYER! they shout, from #GiveElsaAGirlfriend to #GiveCaptainAmericaABoyfriend it’s time that these characters hook-up with someone of the same gender identity. Representation is important, but why must that it be limited to the purely fictional. What we need is homosexual representation in the real world, which is why it’s the perfect time to #GiveHillaryAGirlfriend.
What more inspiring visage for LGBTQ youth could their be than to pair our first female president with a first lady? Up until now, Hillary Clinton hasn’t seen much viral success, but with #GiveHillaryAGirlfried she could become an internet sensation, giving her the strength to break away from Donald Trump as they grow closer in the polls.
Of course, there will be plenty of naysayers, those who believe Hillary should stick to political canon which dictates that she has been a lifelong heterosexual, married to former President Bill Clinton since 1975. However, even Hillary was canonically opposed to same-sex marriage until 2013. Perhaps as characters grow, they can have a change of heart and given the fluid nature of sexuality it is entirely possible that she could find herself attracted to someone of the same gender. Bill was a great addition to the Hillary Clinton saga, he added an incredible dramatic plot line in the late 90s, but it’s time to retire the character for something hotter. If the polls reflect that the people really want to #GiveHillaryAGirlfriend then perhaps that will nudge her in the right direction, as it has on so many other important issues. It’s time that we unite as a party and proclaim “I’m with her and also her!”
A truly sad time has befallen the Republican Party as the candidate a nation was sure would stick through to the bitter end has finally passed. John Kasich 2016 was a strong and unshakable candidate, unwilling to let a dead-last position shake him of the confidence needed to become president. From the get-go the odds were against John, and as it became mathematically impossible to claim victory he trudged on, believing in his purest of hearts that he would become the nominee.
Unfortunately, John Kasich 2016 was little more than a distant blip on our radar. One that would go off whenever my grandmother sent out a facebook message asking family members to follow his campaign at the debates and across the country. This blip was thankfully removed when said grandmother was informed which family members were registered Democrats.
If Trump 2016 was the loud one, Cruz 2016 was the cute one and Carson 2016 was the quiet one, Kasich was most certainly the forgotten one. As Illustrations of each candidate would top relevant stories on this site, one candidate was illustrated but the final image was entirely forgotten in the upload process (until today). A sad metaphor for a sad campaign.
Today we remember John Kasich 2016, he may not have meant much to us, but to some he meant not being a Trump supporter.
This morning we lay to rest a truly vile presidential campaign by the name of Ted Cruz 2016. Oh Ted, we knew you all too well and the things that could be inferred were even worse. While you were never cool enough to be the Zodiac killer, you did everything in your power to be equally despicable.
It was a long road for Ted Cruz 2016, the first to announce his candidacy, (though we all knew in 2013 that the late Jeb Bush 2016 would throw his hat into the ring as soon as the election season began). We never expected Ted to last this long, a phrase no woman has ever uttered, while Cruz’s congressional contemporaries found his staying power to be among his worst assets. Even when he came to speak in The Annual’s hometown we wondered how he would fill 2 hours, then we realized he came to power by embarking on a marathon filibuster in a failed attempt to deny healthcare to millions. Before chasing the presidency, Cruz spent his time preventing others from stimulating their own genitals as would continue to stimulate his own.
He rose to power by consistently placing second, gaining key edorsments from those solely wishing to distance themselves from Donald Trump 2016, among them was the late Jeb Bush. Meanwhile, Cruz 2016 would butt heads with many republican campaigns who have since passed, including Ben Carson 2016 who would find himself locked in a closet with Ted for longer than most thought was humanly possible.
Politicians weren’t the only ones to avoid time in a closet with Ted Cruz 2016, as his own children would rush to keep a physical distance from the candidate whenever he approached them. At a recent campaign event, Cruz was unable to overcome the deafening cries that he “sucks” from a 12 year old heckler. After having the child removed, Cruz remarked that the kid could use a spanking, while this remark may have garnered a 15 second applause from the crowd, it should have garnered raised eyebrows from anyone watching Ted Cruz’s interactions with his own children.
Towards the end of his life, Ted Cruz 2016 sought to gain some of Donald Trump’s life force by turning his attention to minorities, specifically the transgender community. Ted believed in the ball of sludge he called his heart that transgender people used public restrooms with the same intentions as Republican Senator Larry Craig. He went so far as to suggest that they should not be allowed to use any public restrooms, prompting us to strike back and attempt to have him banned from the same facilities.
In the end, Ted Cruz 2016 left behind a vile, transphobic, and abusive vision of presidency. He may not have been the Zodiac Killer, but he wasn’t much better.
Over the weekend, we started a petition to ban presidential candidate Ted Cruz from all public restrooms. We at The Annual feel this is best for the safety of our children and all innocent bathroom goers. If you sign one web-based petition, we hope you will head over to change.org and help protect our public bathrooms from this notable creep.
Recently, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz came out against the rights of trans people to use any public restrooms. While the self appointed captain of the Bathroom Police claims to be concerned about the safety of children and innocent bathroom goers, this is where the Christian idealist fails to truly know thyself.
While feigning concern about the safety of children, Ted Cruz has been actively supported by the Duggar family. This family notably spent years covering up Josh Duggar’s incestuous, child abuse scandal. If Ted Cruz trusts the Duggars, can we trust Ted Cruz to use the same bathrooms as our children?
To make matters worse, during his time in Princeton, Cruz would often don a bathrobe and loiter around the women’s dormitory. President or not, what’s to stop this man from doing the same near our public restrooms? Not only is it dangerous for this man to be using the same bathrooms as the general public, but he could cause just as much trouble from outside these facilities.
This petition will call on President Obama to sign an executive order banning Ted Cruz from entering or standing within 50 feet of any public restroom in the United States of America. Let’s keep Lucifer out of our latrines!