Attention all Snailex Broadcast Inc. employees:
Following an incident during yesterday’s coverage of President-elect Trump’s administrative team, in which a reporter referred to Steve Bannon as “a fucking Nazi” on air, we have decided it best to review proper language for coverage of people in positions of power with a history of being rude to minorities.
Out of respect for the office of the president, we ask all reporters to refrain from using the following terms in reference to Steve Bannon:
- White Supremacist
- White Nationalist
- Infrequent bather
- A man who didn’t want his kids to go to school with Jewish children
- Herr Goebbels
- Some sort of monster facing abuse allegations
- A devil on Donald Trump’s very crowded shoulder
Below are the approved terms that you may use to refer to the President-Elect’s chief strategist:
- Breitbart Chairman
- Champion of the Alt-Right movement
- Semitically Challenged
- Supporter of white causes
- Fun loving guy
- War of Northern Aggression Enthusiast
- A man with black friends
- A white hot ray of sunshine
- Old fashioned
- A typical Trump supporter
Please pay careful attention what you say about the incoming administration or we may all be looking for work come February.
VP of News
Last night, Marco Guteirrez, founder of Latinos for Trump, threatened that “if you don’t do something about [immigration] you are going to have taco trucks on every corner.” This is very on-message for the Trump campaign, even if it is toned down from usual threat of murder and rape from across the border.
At this very moment, Clinterns are hard at work wedging this 5 second soundbite into the campaign’s next ad calling Donald Trump a double-racist:
VOICE OVER as black and white clips from cable news play on screen:
Just when you thought it was safe to listen to a Trump Supporter…
Taco trucks on every corner!!
note to editors: insert 20 more seconds of racist trump quotes here.
However, this is counter-intuitive. The Clinton Campaign would be wise to spend their resources embracing “taco trucks on every corner” as opposed to making it another flagship moment of Trump-based racism.
Obviously, Clinton isn’t hurting in the latino demographic, Trump’s done an excellent job of ensuring her success there. “Taco trucks on every corner” has the potential to be another “hot sauce in my bag” moment for Hillary. It’s a welcoming message to so many groups, particularly white male taco truck owners in the Bernie or Bust camp.
Taco trucks on every corner comes with the promise of job growth, diversity, and an increase in tacos. Let’s face it Hillary, people love tacos and if Trump can successfully run on a platform of “having the best words” why not win by having the best tacos?
Donald Trump is a corpse, a walking amalgamation of rotting human flesh, and if this wasn’t made apparent by his braindead ramblings it all became clear this week. During a campaign rally in Anaheim a fly made it’s way towards Trump and comfortably nested in his hairpiece. Flies are known to flock to the dead, they mark the start of decomposition, an unfortunate transformation that Trump’s lifeless body is currently enduring. This is important to note as Trump has the ability to walk and while he may sleep in a coffin, his constant movement during the day makes it hard for the worms to do their work.
Pay close attention to Trump’s rhetoric and you’ll find that it is that of a Confederate General brought back to life. “Make America Great Again” it’s all an effort to harken back to the first and only time that brain was truly alive.
It is believed that Donald Trump was built by three Russian child-scientists, Ivanka, Eric and Donald Truplin. In 1989 the team, under contract by Gorbachev, dug up corpses from across Russia and assembled the man who they would grow to call father. With the help of Russian spies they stole the brain of Confederate General Braxton Bragg while visiting the Smithsonian. Born anew, Bragg was brainwashed into believing he had been reincarnated as a wealthy American named Donald Trump.
Soon the creature would believe every bit of its own backstory and take the American economy by storm. Most of this was done by talking big, after all Braxton Bragg wasn’t the general’s given name but rather a nickname used on the battlefield. Bragg was a well known boaster, a general who won many battles by accident, took all the credit for himself and brutally decapitated the families of his enemies. War was a sport to him, as it will be once more when this Soviet-Confederate Corpse becomes our president.
In the months to come, we can expect to see more flies ravaging his body, as he drones on failing to notice chunks of human flesh slowly being devoured. By the October debates he will have lost an eye (likely mid-debate) but that will only bring a gain in the polls. He will tout it as a handicap, bringing on more sympathy votes as his limbs begin to fail. Once the corpse is confined to a wheelchair being pushed around by a Brazilian super model, he will compare himself to FDR and gain most of Bernie Sanders’ supporters. As president he will divert all funds to his scientist children who will work tirelessly to keep him alive for the next 8 years and in a midnight regulation he will blow the earth to bits, shouting “If I can’t have it, no one can!”
Across the internet, the rallying cry of a generation has emerged: MAKE IT GAYER! they shout, from #GiveElsaAGirlfriend to #GiveCaptainAmericaABoyfriend it’s time that these characters hook-up with someone of the same gender identity. Representation is important, but why must that it be limited to the purely fictional. What we need is homosexual representation in the real world, which is why it’s the perfect time to #GiveHillaryAGirlfriend.
What more inspiring visage for LGBTQ youth could their be than to pair our first female president with a first lady? Up until now, Hillary Clinton hasn’t seen much viral success, but with #GiveHillaryAGirlfried she could become an internet sensation, giving her the strength to break away from Donald Trump as they grow closer in the polls.
Of course, there will be plenty of naysayers, those who believe Hillary should stick to political canon which dictates that she has been a lifelong heterosexual, married to former President Bill Clinton since 1975. However, even Hillary was canonically opposed to same-sex marriage until 2013. Perhaps as characters grow, they can have a change of heart and given the fluid nature of sexuality it is entirely possible that she could find herself attracted to someone of the same gender. Bill was a great addition to the Hillary Clinton saga, he added an incredible dramatic plot line in the late 90s, but it’s time to retire the character for something hotter. If the polls reflect that the people really want to #GiveHillaryAGirlfriend then perhaps that will nudge her in the right direction, as it has on so many other important issues. It’s time that we unite as a party and proclaim “I’m with her and also her!”
A truly sad time has befallen the Republican Party as the candidate a nation was sure would stick through to the bitter end has finally passed. John Kasich 2016 was a strong and unshakable candidate, unwilling to let a dead-last position shake him of the confidence needed to become president. From the get-go the odds were against John, and as it became mathematically impossible to claim victory he trudged on, believing in his purest of hearts that he would become the nominee.
Unfortunately, John Kasich 2016 was little more than a distant blip on our radar. One that would go off whenever my grandmother sent out a facebook message asking family members to follow his campaign at the debates and across the country. This blip was thankfully removed when said grandmother was informed which family members were registered Democrats.
If Trump 2016 was the loud one, Cruz 2016 was the cute one and Carson 2016 was the quiet one, Kasich was most certainly the forgotten one. As Illustrations of each candidate would top relevant stories on this site, one candidate was illustrated but the final image was entirely forgotten in the upload process (until today). A sad metaphor for a sad campaign.
Today we remember John Kasich 2016, he may not have meant much to us, but to some he meant not being a Trump supporter.