Tag Archives: Poop

5th of July Beer-Shits at An All Time High

Another year has come and gone in America, and with it came backyard barbeques, parties, and celebrations to recognize our independence. Unfortunately, after consuming copious amounts of meat, cheese, and alcohol, the greatest problem facing our nation is “the day after beer-shits.”

The 5th of July has become synonymous with aching bellies and hours spent on the porcelain throne, as the fermented yeasts and aged beef fight one another for dominance in the gut. Along with the actual disgusting dumps and diarrhea explosions, we humans subject ourselves to the foulest gases exiting our bodies from both ends, and the ever present danger of hoping you just have to fart, but then not being sure if it was just gas that came out. Now, with all kinds of vegetarian options being throw into the mix with tofu and hummus, the 4th of July has become a danger zone of activity for the human body, with our toilets (and dignity) paying the price the following day.

With such a crisis on our hands, we need to band together and get the President, Congress, and the House of Representatives to declare the 5th of July a National Holiday as well. We can’t possibly continue at our current rate of over-doing everything on the fourth, only to be expected to show up not hungover and ready to perform our regularly scheduled work, not feeling like a pile of garbage. There are a lot of pressing issues facing our nation, but claiming the 5th of July as a new National Holiday should be at the top of the list. Our country (and bodies) can’t survive another year of throwing caution to the wind on the 4th , and expecting to be fully recovered by 8am the next day; it just isn’t possible.

So, as you sit in the bathroom reading this article, be sure to open a new email in between waves of nausea and intestine-cramping, and send it to your local representative, demand that they support our initiative to make the 5th of July a national holiday. Have another beer while you’re at it; we both know you aren’t going anywhere for awhile.

‘Murica.

T.M. Scholtes

On Pooping Outside

Cullen Dolson

       Pooping is perhaps the most understated intellectual activity. Science has proved countless times that people who take their sweet time on the john lead happier, more successful lives. However, what do you do when you don’t have a john?! Such is the case in The Wilderness. Reader, don’t distress! It’s quite fece-able to have a superb poo, even when out in the woods. Here is my advice:

1) Find the perfect spot. 

Look for beautiful scenery away from the rest of the world. Let this spot be a serene poop-haven. This will enhance the poop/pooper relationship tenfold. It must calm the soul (and the bowels) and make for the easiest of poops. The goal here is to not even feel the loss of your fecal friend.

2) Find the best implement for wiping.

My personal favorite—a good pine cone. Not only does it successfully remove all extra stragglers, it’s rough exterior serves a double purpose as it exfoliates your down-belows. This all-natural approach to wiping leaves no trace but a baby-soft buttocks.*

3) Look for woodland creatures simultaneously enjoying a delightful poo.

There ain’t nothing better on God’s green earth than sharing a poop experience with our furry friends. Notice I said “furry” friends. This, of course, refers to our mammalian allies. Why not our reptile friends? Science has proven that these animals don’t poop. Instead, they reverse synthesize that fecal matter back into the atmosphere. Look it up—it’s science. (For more information on the pooping habits of reptiles, tune in to future columns!)

4) Most importantly, be sure to make use of this wonderful time for introspection and meditation.

I mean, where would be today if our great leaders did not make use of their own poop-time meditation? Abraham Lincoln took a seven-and-a-half hour meditative poop in the middle of the White House Garden when writing the Emancipation Proclamation. That is a whole shit ton of dedication, if you ask me (and a likewise hefty sized poo, I might add)! Dante Alighieri wrote his Divine Comedy during his stint in a secluded shack in the Apennine Mountains! Hell, Gandhi practically invented pooping!

So, do not shy away from your poo. No—embrace your time alone with an intellectual fervor like that of our greatest thinkers (and stinkers) of time gone by.

*CAUTION: Go with the grain.

On Pooping Outside was originally published in The Annual #3, purchase your copy today!