Tag Archives: Pope Francis

REAL LIFE MIRACLE! Mother Teresa Lives On In Statue

This week it became official, Mother Teresa will become a canonized saint! Pope Francis carefully confirmed her final miracle during his last visit to the states and it’s the miracle that keeps on miracling.

In the heart of the Baltimore Basilica sits a statue of Mother Teresa, but how it got there is the real story. “I had picked up a bag of office supplies on my way into work and set them on my side table,” tells Father Abramson. “I had a 10:15 shift in the confessional, so I left the supplies in the office and went in to do my priestly duties. When I returned around noon the supplies had disappeared and in there place was this statue of Mother Teresa! I didn’t know this at the time but it September 5, 1997, the very day she passed.”

Abramson gave the statue a prominent space in the basilica for all to pay their respects and that’s when strange events started to occur. “We heard noises coming from within the statue, at first we assumed it Father Abramson’s lost office supplies settling into place, but then we heard the prayers.” Remembers Sister Mary-Catherine, the token Mary-Catherine of the church. The Statue was X-Rayed by a team of scientists, the first to enter the church since the earth was proven to be revolve around the sun.

Mother Teresa2

Within the statue was a scale replica of the I Dream of Jeannie set and Mother Teresa herself. In her passing, it seems that she had rematerialized, smaller and more powerful than ever before, but her power is contained within this mystical bust of the future saint.

The miracle does not cease with miniature resurrection. Many have reported good fortune has smiled upon them after waving their hands between the Saint and the small child in the statue.

By breaking her eye contact the benefits of Mother Teresa’s charitable work are placed upon whomever she now gazes. As an unfortunate downside, one almost considered by Pope Francis to be an anti-miracle, when Mother Teresa is not gazing upon the child in the statue, a random child in the world spends their life in suffering and pain.

Before leaving the states, Pope Francis waved his holy hand in front of the future saint and shouted [in latin] “By jove! I think she’s got it! A true miracle machine! May we both live forever!” and with the Mother’s help, he may just do that.

Kevin Cole

Scientists officially declare Intelligent Design theory “literally unintelligent”

(AUSTIN, TEXAS) – As Doctor Dean Appling took his morning shower, he began his usual ritual of loudly singing “Roxanne” by The Police while soaping up his body. While hitting the high notes of the chorus, Doctor Freeman moved his head in such a way that water from the shower head got into his mouth at the same time he was singing, causing the water to enter his lungs. Dr. Appling began to choke, and after a few seconds unable to breathe, his oxygen-starved brain had a realization – human bodies were not designed intelligently at all.

“Well, it’s just the perfect song to sing in a shower,” expressed Doctor Appling, in our exclusive after-shower interview. “It has high notes, low notes, it’s upbeat, and all the different chords really resonate in a good tiled bathroom.”

We asked Dean to skip ahead, and get on to his discovery.

“The thing is…if our entire universe, and more specifically, the Human body, were designed ‘intelligently’ to be the way they are now, why does every single thing about the human body seem unintelligent?”

“Let me start with the breakthrough that led to this discovery – the human windpipe and human digestive tract all start at the exact same place. The pathways for air AND food cross in the pharynx; but why? It seems that this would save space within the human body, which would be pretty handy based on evolution…but if some other being designed us this way, it astronomically stupid. We need air and water, and could easily take them in together, the way creatures of the sea do, but for some reason, this creator decided to make everything harder by forcing our bodies to distinguish the two, and mistaking one for the other can lead to our death! This started me thinking – what else about the human body seems to point out that no one would have intelligently designed us? At its core, even the idea of Intelligent Design is literally unintelligent.”

Dr. Appling is the professor of Biochemistry at the University of Texas at Austin, and a world-renowned researcher in favor of evolution. He has travelled around the world learning about many different cultures, but most recently began studying anatomy to help refute the claim of intelligent design.

“These questions bring up even more general questions – why do we need to eat? Why do we need to breathe? There are single-celled organisms that can do without these very basic human needs, so why were we designed to need them? Why do we feel extreme heat and cold? Why do our cells die? Now, I have had some of these questions answered by various religious leaders. ‘We die in order to appreciate life.’ Like, what? So ‘God’ or this ‘Intelligent creator’ made us so frail in order to appreciate our frailty on Earth? So God is essentially a teenager playing The Sims on his computer, watching us do pointless things for his entertainment? He made the Earth have tasty fruits and vegetables so we could experience these wonderful things, but also poisonous berries and dangerous animals to kill us? How does any of this make sense to anyone?”

Evolution and Creationism are both hotly debated, with no clear winner or loser, and with a lot of support on each side. Intelligent design is a theory that attempts to bridge this gap, with the Discovery Institute in Seattle, Washington, leading the charge to get this new idea accepted as real science.

“The world doesn’t make sense without [Intelligent Design],” says Steven J. Buri, President of the Discovery Institute. “Think of it this way; if the universe was created by a ‘big bang’ then who created the big bang? If the universe has always been around, doesn’t it make sense that something would’ve have been around with it in order to create life as we know it? In order to even think about science, someone had to give us a brain, and the reasoning skills to learn and write and teach. Think about this – the brain is the only part of the human anatomy that named itself! Evolution can’t explain that!”

“His arguments make no sense!” replies Dr. Appling. “Evolution can explain ALL of that. I don’t have the time to get into it, but trust me. I wonder if he can explain that if God created Humans in ‘His” image, does God really have an issue of choking on his own spit? You think an omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresent, omnibenevolent being has that issue a lot? Or needs two different orifices to get rid of waste from ‘His’ body? How does Intelligent Design account for needing a urethra and a sphincter? Why can’t it all be combined to come out of one? Why do we have waste at all? Shouldn’t our bodies be a perfect consumer of energy? Then again, why do we need energy? Science has answers, evolution has answers. Unfortunately, ‘God’ cannot be reached for comment to see what answers he would give.

The Annual has reached out to the Catholic Church to get God’s answers on some of the matters, and we received this response from the Diocese of Rome:

“God loves all his creations, even if they do not believe in him. God gave us freewill, in order to make our own decisions, and deal with this life in our own way. These bodies are not our final form; we are all spiritual beings, and will be awakened at the end of time. It is God who will be awaiting us in heaven. May peace be with you all?

And also, fuck Dean Appling. He’s a dick.

Sincerely, Pope Francis.”

“Oh give me a break!” Dr. Appling has now torn out bits of his hair. “Fine; what the Pope said doesn’t necessarily disagree with evolution, and he certainly didn’t even mention intelligent design. But that was sort of low of him to call me that.”

Dr. Appling has had his team at the Institute for Cellular and Molecular Biology working around the clock for more answers, and have really just come up with more questions.

“The Church and Mr. Buri cannot just wave away these fundamentals questions of our origin by saying the word ‘God.’ There is more to life than that. And I will spend the entirety of mine digging for the truth.”

All we at The Annual know for sure is…The Truth is Out There. The X-Files miniseries will premier Sunday, January 24th 2016 only on FOX!

At the time of publishing this, Dr. Appling had stubbed his toe on his bedframe and cursed God’s name for designing such a ridiculous pain mechanism for the human body.

TM Scholtes

Great Deals on The Pope’s Visit from Craigslist

In light of Pope Francis’ upcoming US Tour, many have been scalping tickets on to events on Craigslist. We at The Annual have taken the time to find the best postings to help you save time and money.

Pope Francis Tickets And A Free Pass To Heaven – $125,000

My priest recently gave my family three tickets to see Pope Francis and told me that if I met His Holiness I would gain admittance into heaven. This was said in confidence during my last confession. Truth be told, I’ve been on a real Billy Joel kick and I feel confident saying I’d like to live a long life and burn in hell for it. So I’m selling these tickets and Father Ted’s word that you’ll get into heaven upon spending time in the presence of His Holiness.

Pope Francis to Perform D.C.

One ticket, front pew: $275. Potential for meet-and-greet. For you or the diehard Catholic in your life. SmarTrip card with $5 thrown in.

Cheap POPE TICKETS

Had plans to see Pope with my son to get the demons out, but he was successfully exorcised by Presbyterians so we’re cancelling and going to Universal Studios. Got two tix, 40 bucks each.

Pope Fan Club Meeting

The DC Chapter of the Group of the Piously Devoted (GPD) will be meeting prior to Pope Francis’ visit to the city. All interested members must present $100 for a penance and 40 “Hail Marys” at the door. Only the righteous may join us for fan-girling session along His Holiness’ Pope Mobile route.

Reasonable Priced Pope Tickets for Sinners and Losers

Protesting Pope not worth all the gay wedding abominations going on that day. Need $$ back to support our godly hatred if everyone. $35 each, must buy all 40. -WBC

Kiss the pope – $2500

When Amal and I got married in Venice, the ceremony was officiated by Pope Francis. This is why we chose not to let the press in on our big day. At one point during the ceremony His Holiness leaned over to me and whispered ever so softly “If I could kiss a man, it would be you George Clooney.” He then sent me a ticket to his upcoming United States tour, and while the thought of kissing Pope Francis excites me, I couldn’t be the one to do it. Proceeds from this Craigslist posting will go towards UNICEF

FREE POPE TICKETS

Had a premonition that something very bad is going to happen in Philadelphia that day and I don’t want to be there. Tickets are free.

Tickets to Pope Francis Show

Girlfriend wanted to see the Dalai Lama, got these instead by accident. If you like Pope hmu. Show includes special guest appearance – could it be Jesus?? $20 each. Take it or leave it.

Want 2 make a buck

Sell bottled water with me for $7 in Brookland metro station
80/20 split

Wear comfortable clothes
No assholes

Pope Gig in DC Livestream

Don’t want to make the trip all the way down to DC for the Pope, but still want to be blessed? Livestream from my phone with added commentary. $40 for the link.

Make Out with Me in a Pope Hat – $25 or Best offer

I am a DDF SWF and am looking to get my modest freak on while wearing a pope hat. For an extra $50 I will dress my car up to look like the popemobile and we can make out there.

Kevin Cole, Taylor GoebelDavid LunaRobert MartinEmily Perper

Robert Martin would like to recommend
you consider investing in unlicensed Pope merchandise.

A look back at 2013 via the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade!

Kevin Cole

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Remember the fateful night when Miley Cyrus became a cultural phenomenon by getting her rocks off onstage with a foam finger? Well, we can’t forget and the whole thing has been memorialized in this balloon, brought to you by Snickers. Snickers Satisfy!

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Floating in on a cloud of Sarin Gas, we look back at the war with Syria that never was by coming together to carve the turkey as Selena Gomez performs her newest hit song, Shake that Assad!

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Flying high above the city, it’s Sandra Bullock from the hit film Gravity! Gravity smashed box office records this October, relive the horrors of space exploration with Gravity on Blu-Ray this holiday season!

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From atop a float shaped like the National Cathedral, former Pope Benedict and Pope Francis come together for one last performance: We are the World in Latin.

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Making its way down Broadway, it’s a tribute to New York’s finest. It’s Michael, Trevor and Franklin! Beat up hookers, steal cars, and commit unmotivated acts of murder this Thanksgiving with Grand Theft Auto V from Rockstar Games!

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This roaming Hot Pocket is sponsored by the National Security Agency in celebration of Edward Snowden’s first Thanksgiving abroad. Enjoy every traitor’s favorite Turkey and Cheese Hot Pockets, on store shelves now!

A look at The Macy’s Parade was originally published in The Annual #6, purchase your copy today!