Tag Archives: Pranks

The Truth Behind Your Discolored Toilet Tissue

We’ve all been there – you’re finishing up a relaxing, restful, well deserved number 2 – and you go to grab a few squares of fluffy heaven when you spot it: a dark mark on your otherwise unblemished toilet tissue. Your brain and body seize up for a moment as they register what you are seeing:

  1. Ok, it’s definitely not a spider (main crisis averted)
  2. There is no way your BM could’ve splashed or ricocheted up to touch that paper (secondary crisis averted)
  3. There is no way someone else’s sustenance droppings would’ve been able to reach the toilet paper, and you would have totally noticed it before you sat down anyway if that were true (now the second-guessing creeps in)

In fact, all three of these are correct. Many scientific studies were conducted, and there is no possible way for fecal matter to get from the toilet to the toilet paper, as long as the toilet paper is the same height or higher off the ground than the toilet lid (Spiders had a negligible impact on the study, but it is possible you will find one on your TP, so be wary).

The truth behind those toilet paper discolorations is much darker. You might have put your mind at ease by thinking it was a defect in that particular square, or possibly a bit of tree pulp that was not ground up as fine as its brethren, or a million other reasons to hide yourself from the truth – that someone else was wiping their butt on your toilet paper before you.

You probably didn’t know that tree-pulp factory workers have one of the highest rates of depression out of all lumber-based employment; you also probably didn’t know that after fast food restaurants, tree-pulp processing plants are the number one employer of high-school and college students; and the last thing you probably didn’t know is that depressed high-school and college age students are the number one leading group to screw with consumer products for their own amusement.

You probably HAVE seen the pictures and videos of fast food workers licking taco shells, putting their hands down their pants and then making a hamburger, or – like Eminem told us – spitting on your onion rings. What you haven’t heard is that toilet paper manufacturers have similar issues with their employees, with much dire outcomes. Rather than spitting on their products, the TP workers USE their products, before YOU get to. Now, toilet paper has a scrutinized quality control procedure, so just taking a large dump into the vat of paper pulp would immediately be flagged, and the product “flushed.” But, small issues, hidden in the middle of roll, would never be seen or noticed. And that is where YOU come in.

Reaching for a fresh square, you see the tiny, often overlooked discolored speck – this is where the workers have made you look like a fool. While you rid your mind of the disgusting possibility, they thrive knowing that you have just wiped your butt with their week-old stool sample. The workers wipe their butts on the almost complete rolls as they are being wound for final shipment. Most of them are in on the act, and they rotate who gets to leave their calling card skid-mark. For many, it is a rite of passage from childhood into adulthood; for you, it is just a disgusting fact you would have been better off not knowing for the rest of your life.

Now, not every roll is stamped, making it even more obvious when your paper has a blemish. But be warned – just because it doesn’t look or smell or feel like someone else’s poop, be assured that it is. If anyone mentions a deal on investing in those moist towelettes for personal bathrooms, I would suggest you invest, and think of switching out all your dry paper products for wet ones.

And besides, why risk it?

T.M. Scholtes

That Time of Year Again!

Well, another Halloween has come and gone, which means it is time to start planning those other upcoming holidays. You guessed it: I’m talking April Fools’ Day, 2016!

April Fools’ day is the one day of the year that brings friends and families together. You don’t want to leave them disappointed!

1. Incorporate other holiday lights to make everyone forget that it’s April. Look for Halloween items on clearance—you can even pick up a few decorations for Thanksgiving and Christmas! Heck, you can just leave all your decorations up the whole year, and never worry about putting them back in the attic!

2. Everyone absolutely loves loud, unexpected, annoying noises, so stock up on those air horns! Someone in the shower? AIRHORN! Putting away fine china? AIRHORN! Trying to get a good night’s sleep for work the next morning? DOUBLE AIRHORN! Haha, what a good prank!

3. Really ruin someone’s day at little to no expense for yourself. Wake up in the middle of the night, lift the toilet seat, then cover the bowl-hole with plastic wrap. Play the waiting game, until the prank-ee awakens and goes to relieve himself. Laugh uncontrollably as you hear his cries of anguish when he gets urine and/or other bodily fluids all over himself and the floor, then snicker quietly as you listen to your victim search for cleaning products.

4. Humans love a good mystery. This year, surprise any guests by hiding a dead body in the backyard for everyone to find! They will spend hours (or maybe years!) going over what happened and may even get the police involved! This is a prank that will go on and on, maybe for generations.

5. While everyone is still fresh from murder, make a spot of coffee or tea. Be sure to warn them that it is very, very hot. Then when they go to have a sip? A spring-loaded snake pops out! Got ’em!

If someone tells you they don’t like your jokes or gets mad at you, kindly remind them that “it was only a prank” and they need to “calm down.” This will clear things right up.

No one wants to hear “All I Want for Christmas is You” as the clock chimes midnight on November 1. Thanksgiving, Christmas…planning for these is so passé, and your pent-up holiday cheer is leeching my own reserves. Let’s look forward to the highlight of the year, together: April 1, 2016.

T. M. Scholtes